Help we need your thoughts on: Everything you need to know about Toddlers for G2

[JustineMumsnet]

Hello Mumsnetters,
Am compiling a G2 piece to promote our fabby new MN Guide - Toddlers, and need some hilariously witty yet useful and practical tips/advice from you about how to deal with toddlers to supplement the best of the book. Pretty please?

Buy teenage dcs or yourself a laptop to stop pc wars

OOPs wrong thread

Try and see the bright side when they are throwing themselves on the floor in a shakespearian manor - just have a laugh at it.

When you feel like you are about to crack at the moaning/tantrum, grab hold of them, wizz them around, throw them down and tickle them all over - it will make them and you feel much better.

Do not give them scissors and turn your back unless you are famous enough to start a trend with your new "interesting" haircut.

Do not give them glue and leave unsupervised with your laptop.

Do not give them a pot of Sudocrem. Ever.

IM(frightful)E

Yes - Sudocrem and dark-coloured fabric sofas are not a natural coupling

Avoid glitter. Full stop.

do not let them anywhere near your laptop unless you know how to replace the keyboard

likewise mobile phones

and given access to ANY phone they will dial 999

When they have asked you them same 'Why?' questions five times over, try turning it around and asking them the same question - it can work wonders! DS often ask repeated questions because he wanted to demonstrate his new-found knowledge, but he didn't know how to articulate it.

There is a reason toddlers are ticklish. If used judiciously, and not overdone, it may divert yet another tantrum...

you will grow to hate balamory but your child will want to watch it all day every day

ignoring a toddler is your most powerful weapon - if they lie down in the middle of the supermarket screaming blue murder ignore them, walk a little bit away if safe to do so and pretend to look at an interesting tin of tomatos. Granny's will tut but they are evil old bags, giving in will only lead to more tantrums

do not buy furniture you like or that costs lots of money until your child has grown out of toddlerdom - this stage is what Ikea is for.

Toddlers will make you laugh harder and longer than anyone else on earth - they may also make you want to stick your head in the gas oven on occasion

"do not let them anywhere near your laptop unless you know how to replace the keyboard" Oh yes. Oh, yes yes yes.

Accidental Damage is a house insurance essential

When they're having a real 'toddler' moment, always try and remember that you're the grown up and as tempting as it may be, don't revert to toddlerdom yourself. Not always as easy to do as it sounds.

Also, in my experience of 4 toddlers, don't worry too much about developmental 'norms'. Generally it seems that everything does all eventually fall into place, so best just to relax and really enjoy each moment for what it is.

You can't argue with a sick toddler mind, so don't even try.

remember- tv is your friend

When your toddler is having VERY projectile vomit is posh cafe do not put your hand over their mouth in plaintive effort to try and stem the flow. It may just spray all over hte posh women sitting next to you...

Learn quickly Cbeebies is friend not foe.

sorry, I would give you a witty quote but I'm too tired. when do they stop getting up at 6am again?

never express even slightly unfavourable opinions of friends, family and acquaintances is front of them, they will parrot them out to the right person at the most inopportune time.
it is a skill

no matter how equal opportunities and right on gender equality you are, your little girls will demand pink glitter stuff at some point, and will declare what is for girls/boys in the most '50 reactionary fashion possible

just go with it and protest loudly you don't know where she got it from

I never realised before I had a toddler how the phrase "I making soup, Mummy" can strike cold terror into the heart of a grown woman.

Or how easily toilet paper soup clogs drains.

Toddlers watch and learn. Remember that - they watch you and learn from you. So dont be surprised when they repeat things you would rather they didnt / do things you never knew they could (like pouring all the bubble mix in the bath) / pick up your bad habits.
It might start with doing the hoovering like mummy, but it ends with MUCH embarrassment

Toddlers suffer from temporal insensitivity - it takes ten times as long for a toddler to do anything than an adult. However the converse is true if chocolate buttons are on offer or it is time between the word 'no' being said and the transformation from human to beastie

We fall in love with our babies and think they are the most perfect human beings on the planet. They become toddlers to redress this imbalance.