We're after your collected wit and wisdom (again!)

[Justine (mumsnet)]

Hi all,
We've been asked to put together something for Scotland on Sunday's magazine supplement about the first year of parenthood. Something along the lines of "Things I've learned from my first year of being a mum". They're after pithy, witty one and two liners as well as a nod to the more serious stuff too. Feel free to contribute as many times as you like - I should imagine they'll want to include nicknames so it's your chance to be famous (in your mumsnet persona) in Scotland at least.

I'm racking my brains to think of something good but can't come close to anything as good as this contribution from Spod: "Opening a new box of nappy sacks to discover that they are a different colour to the normal ones (and subconsciously debating which you prefer) can be the highlight of your day.
And this from Anchovy: "When your small baby hasn't had a poo for two days, you should dress it in a babygrow with feet attached" which we put in a similar thing we did for the Guardian a while back.
So, over to you (and many thanks )
Justine, Carrie and Rachel

You can guarantee that just as you drop off into an exhausted sleep, you baby will wake up!!

When they sleep through the night, you will be unable to for fear they are dead.

Do not poke a sleeping baby!

You will actually occasionally find yourself taking your mother/in-law's advice out of sheer desperation.

Your partner is always more tired than you! - afterall you just stay at home with the baby all day!

All those things you said you would never do ie. go back to work, let you kids watch the Teletubbies/sleep in your bed/eat chocolate and ready made food - get real, you do it all and more - anything for a quiet life!

Never take anything for granted ever again - sleep, a cup of tea or God forbid a meal, a telephone conversation, a bath, your favourtie soap, sex - any of these without interruption is impossible!

You get very good at doing things with one hand/arm!

That first smile and the first Mama/Dada can melt your heart and will continue to do so! Just wait til they put their arms around you, give you a kiss and say they love you - you will forgive them anything then!

There is no such thing as a holiday,it is just child care in a different climate.

Message withdrawn

You will know how many stiches a woman has, if she has mastitis, when she last had sex and often not know what their surname is!

LOL HMB

Not sleeping for 7 months won't kill you, you'll just feel like it has.
Try giving a big bowl of cereal just before bedtime to a baby who is a poor sleeper.
Do not dare look underneath the seat cushion of your baby's highchair because then you'll have to clean it.

Never be surprised to find wooden spoons down the loo or half eaten cookies in your shoes!

The noise a child makes is in inverse proportion to the damage they are causing.

If your child is completely silent for more than three minutes, she's probably taken her own nappy off and is trying to eat her own poo. Either that or she's trying to eat the cat.

You don't have to be a perfect parent - good enough is good enough.

At least three times a week, someone will demand to know when you're going to provide your child with a little brother. The urge to pummel them to within an inch of their lives never goes away.

Even if your dd is dressed from top to toe in pink flowery clothes, someone will always say "Oh, he's a proper little boy, isn't he."

Baby development books are all very well and good - but your baby can't read the book and won't know what she's supposed to be doing. What's more, she won't care.

you learn that luke warm tea or cold tea is not so bad after all...

if you ask a toddler ' could you just put this new loo roll in the loo' they will, literally...

Depressingly, nobody is very interested in your exposed breasts after all.

Once you've had a child you realise that the person who said "Before I had children I had 6 rules for bringing them up, now I have 6 children and no rules" was spot on!

Oh how true MI! (You're on form today!)

You think about buying kiddies shoes and slippers in terms of how much poo and wee they can catch or absorb in case of accidents.

By far the most useful skill you need to develop to manage this parenting lark is to be able to smile and nod at all the well-meaning advice

Whatever your mother did with you will be directly opposite to all the current advice in babycare

No matter how hard the first year gets, remember its far easier than being a mother struggling with a 4 year old who wants to go in the men's loos in McDonalds

Sleep is over-rated

New babies smell

yes I w oudl agree t
"rememebr your mother wa a far better mother thab you are"

you wont have the faintest idea who anyone is in Heat magazine any more

You used to congratulate yourself if you remembered something you'd forgotten to pick up before you got to the checkout in Tescos. Now you think "excellent, forgot to get the toothbrushes, that will give us a reason to go out tomorrow!".

You congratulate yourself because you caught all the sick in your hands and none went on the sofa/carpet.

Banana comes out of the other end looking like spinach. Banana, that innocent nearly white fruit, stains like nothing else.

you will leave naff kiddies cds on in the car way fater you have dropped them off at nursery

of course she was - wasn't she Gobbledigook?!

you will be very mistrustful of anyone without kids

Twiglett -

"you will be very mistrustful of anyone without kids" - who give you 'knowing?' looks!