We're after your collected wit and wisdom (again!)

[Justine (mumsnet)]

Hi all,
We've been asked to put together something for Scotland on Sunday's magazine supplement about the first year of parenthood. Something along the lines of "Things I've learned from my first year of being a mum". They're after pithy, witty one and two liners as well as a nod to the more serious stuff too. Feel free to contribute as many times as you like - I should imagine they'll want to include nicknames so it's your chance to be famous (in your mumsnet persona) in Scotland at least.

I'm racking my brains to think of something good but can't come close to anything as good as this contribution from Spod: "Opening a new box of nappy sacks to discover that they are a different colour to the normal ones (and subconsciously debating which you prefer) can be the highlight of your day.
And this from Anchovy: "When your small baby hasn't had a poo for two days, you should dress it in a babygrow with feet attached" which we put in a similar thing we did for the Guardian a while back.
So, over to you (and many thanks )
Justine, Carrie and Rachel

remember one day you too will be a mother-in-law

an 8 month old may turn their nose up at all the lovingly prepared home-cooked food, but they sure do like to eat Sky digital cards

there is nothing faster than a crawling baby

the best toy for a baby is an older child

you will never hav anticipated the strength and and animal quality of the love a mother can have towards her child.

you will never again underestimate how painful it is to be head-butted by an 8 month old

or the razor like quality of a babys finger nailsfgs!

it is easier to fillet a live octopus than to cut a baby's fingernails

npot if you are a s uperior mother of course

I bow to your superiority in octopus-filleting

an ironing board has more flexibility than a toddler who refuses to go into a buggy/car seat

I head but them!

knee in the tummy marslady

have Morecambe and Wise been resurrected?

NSPCC twiglett

Your child will only have the mother of all tantrums when MRS I told you so walks by

If you feed your freshly weaned child carrots for one meal and spinach the next, it comes out the other end in lovely swirly pattern. How do they do that??

have just had visions of Soupy trying to think of ways to frame her babies' poos

You just buy a box frame from Ikea...

Your favourite most expensive shampoo makes the best bubbles in a bath, and can be drained into the bath in a matter of seconds by a 2 year old. Even as you just hang up the towels.

Anything dangerous that you lose, and search endlesly for will be found in seconds by a small child while your back is turned.

Car keys are infinately better than plastic ones, always make sure you have a set of spare keys handy.

People tell you your life will never be the same again and they're right, but you wouldn't have it any other way.

You learn not to take things for granted.

you learn how to suck snot from a new borns nose, administer suppositories, get puked over, weed on, pooed on, your not allowed to sleep or do anything for yourself but you've never been so deeply and uncontionally in love with anyone more in your life.

Just when you think you have it sussed they'll throw something new at you but you will cope.

Always where white - it hides the milky sick ups!

Never store CD's in a rack close to the ground, unless you want to encourage your child to learn to crawl.

Learn how to stimulate your child's projectile vomiting then practise aiming it at anyone who tells you you will soon forget the pain/it needs a sibling/all babies sleep 18 hours.

For the especially obnoxious, feed your child with avocado first.

Threatening to show your episotomy scar generally stops patronising comments about women being wimps during childbirth.

The £50 you spent getting Freeview will rapidly seem like the best investment you ever made as you worship at the temple of CeBeebies.

Whoever invented fridge locks obviously never had to contend with a determined toddler who KNOWS there is yoghurt behind that door.

Your cat will be your baby's first, unrequited love. The cat, however, will suffer from traumatic stress for years after.

Message withdrawn

While a tale of how your baby's nappy exploded so dramatically that he was mustard from the shoulders down and it took three packets of wipes to clean him up will make your NCT group laugh, it should not be shared over dinner with colleagues.

More seriously... you will finally understand just how easy it would be to shake a baby, and the knowledge will scare you.

The only thing you can say for certain is that nothing is certain and everything is a learning curve.