We're after your collected wit and wisdom (again!)

[Justine (mumsnet)]

Hi all,
We've been asked to put together something for Scotland on Sunday's magazine supplement about the first year of parenthood. Something along the lines of "Things I've learned from my first year of being a mum". They're after pithy, witty one and two liners as well as a nod to the more serious stuff too. Feel free to contribute as many times as you like - I should imagine they'll want to include nicknames so it's your chance to be famous (in your mumsnet persona) in Scotland at least.

I'm racking my brains to think of something good but can't come close to anything as good as this contribution from Spod: "Opening a new box of nappy sacks to discover that they are a different colour to the normal ones (and subconsciously debating which you prefer) can be the highlight of your day.
And this from Anchovy: "When your small baby hasn't had a poo for two days, you should dress it in a babygrow with feet attached" which we put in a similar thing we did for the Guardian a while back.
So, over to you (and many thanks )
Justine, Carrie and Rachel

Do not try to remove a baby from a snug-fitting sling when standing under a pendant light.

during the first year going to the dental hygenist with all that entails, will feel like a break!

On the day when you have dragged yourself out of the house solely to avoid killing yourself and/or the baby, you're cross-eyed from lack of sleep, you're wearing your most revolting pair of drawstring trousers because they're the only things that fit, and you're wondering just when, oh when your life might be less awful...several total bloody strangers will say, sanctimoniously, 'treasure it while it lasts.'

Sudacreme does not come out of green carpet. Or your black top. Or your blue trousers...

hahahaha MI!

At the end of the year you will look at a friend's newborn and think,'Was mine ever really that small!?!'

You may well find yourself eating a Mars bar behind the kitchen cabinet door while lectuting your children on the need to 'share'.

Small children can vomit more than their body mass. They can hit everything else in the bathroom, while missing the sink and the toilet.

You child will show you that he has worked out how to open the fridge door by dropping your eggs on the floor. He will laugh while he does this!

You will develop biceps like Mike Tyson, but the bingo flaps will still be there underneath.

dh will wake up and get the baby if you kick him hard enough...

Nothing, absolutely nothing, is more breathtakingly beautiful and peaceful than my son when he is asleep.

If your child is quiet, they are usually up to no good!

in his dreams!

You never knew there were so many experts on raising children amongst your non-parenting friends.

You find that popping to the shops for half an hour usually end up being 3 hours by the time all the little old ladies have stopped you to coo over your baby.

Having a cleavage full of sick is not so bad after all.

Your partner suddenly develops night deafness.

Your determined resolution not to resort to baby food jars disappears after the third weekend spent glued to the blender.

on the day described by MI below, you will run into your ex-boyfriend.

stalk

Your baby will cry for no reason, and you will learn to ignore it!

being kept waiting at the doctors (without your kids) is bliss.
Ditto aeroplane journeys on your own

Remember your post natal body is not fat - it is sexually plump

You know you are a parent when you havent got a clue whats no 1 at the mo but will quite happily hum the tune of Balamory in Tesco's

stretch marks sound nicer when you call them baby ribbons

you have no real friends left just virtual ones!

You will never finish a cup of tea or coffee.