We're after your collected wit and wisdom (again!)

[Justine (mumsnet)]

Hi all,
We've been asked to put together something for Scotland on Sunday's magazine supplement about the first year of parenthood. Something along the lines of "Things I've learned from my first year of being a mum". They're after pithy, witty one and two liners as well as a nod to the more serious stuff too. Feel free to contribute as many times as you like - I should imagine they'll want to include nicknames so it's your chance to be famous (in your mumsnet persona) in Scotland at least.

I'm racking my brains to think of something good but can't come close to anything as good as this contribution from Spod: "Opening a new box of nappy sacks to discover that they are a different colour to the normal ones (and subconsciously debating which you prefer) can be the highlight of your day.
And this from Anchovy: "When your small baby hasn't had a poo for two days, you should dress it in a babygrow with feet attached" which we put in a similar thing we did for the Guardian a while back.
So, over to you (and many thanks )
Justine, Carrie and Rachel

Babies have no volume control - especially in public places.

Your baby crying will sound like an emergency siren to you and a tiny whimper to everyone else.

Never pretend you are in control.

Breastfed baby poo smells of cheese and knowing all the words to the very hungry caterpillar is very very useful...

LOL MarsLady!

Dh came home the other day and said he had meta guy called Milo!

I instantly replied by saying was he purple and then burst in to song, singing the Tweenies theme tune!

That if you don't change their nappy within minutes of smelling it, you will have to contend with poo up their back and down their socks - and that if you don't move said nappy well out of the way immediately, they'll spin around and/or do a little tap dance on it just for good measure.

I'll never learn.

My DS keeps asking if poo tastes like jam!!
Not sure why, we don't have any jam in our house.

Even the deepest-sleeping babies have built-in sensors primed to detect the very moment their mum has sat down with trashy mag & coffee cup in hand--and wake up accordingly.

The only mums who lose weight during breastfeeding are those who were skinny to start with.

You will enrich your life by making friends with people years younger/older than yourself and from all sorts of different backgrounds, simply because you are the same 'baby age'

It's an education in safe sex.

Saying to your DH 'I'm going to have an early night' doesn't mean what it used to mean. It just means you really need an early night.

And your bed partner might have their mouth attached to your nipple, but their feet are tangled in the elastic of your knickers...

Thank you, Thank you. These were fab and a selection were published in Scotland on Sunday's Spectrum magazine last Sunday here . (Think you might have to register to see if yours made it.)
Has anyone noticed if we've been invaded by Scots as a result - it's certainly been busy ?

Thanks for that Justine, yay, one of mine made it in!

Ooh, ooh, I'm in! How exciting!!

Fame at last

I'm in too! Woohoo!

I'd forgotten all about this! Mine's in! (again! ) No pseudonyms this time

Made it! Hoots mon!

Yep. That as well!!

Mines not in, no surprise, it was pants!

YAY.....I'm in!!!!

I'm in .. though bizarrely find myself a little miffed not to be credited as I love the fame and plaudits I get from having the name 'Twiglett' (or sometimes 'Twigless') in lights

ahh the bright lights of broadway beckon

Yay! Me too, although in my previous incarnation as Lowryn