We're after your collected wit and wisdom (again!)

[Justine (mumsnet)]

Hi all,
We've been asked to put together something for Scotland on Sunday's magazine supplement about the first year of parenthood. Something along the lines of "Things I've learned from my first year of being a mum". They're after pithy, witty one and two liners as well as a nod to the more serious stuff too. Feel free to contribute as many times as you like - I should imagine they'll want to include nicknames so it's your chance to be famous (in your mumsnet persona) in Scotland at least.

I'm racking my brains to think of something good but can't come close to anything as good as this contribution from Spod: "Opening a new box of nappy sacks to discover that they are a different colour to the normal ones (and subconsciously debating which you prefer) can be the highlight of your day.
And this from Anchovy: "When your small baby hasn't had a poo for two days, you should dress it in a babygrow with feet attached" which we put in a similar thing we did for the Guardian a while back.
So, over to you (and many thanks )
Justine, Carrie and Rachel

Things I have learnt....

Always go up a size of nappy before they reach the weight limit, to avoid leaks.
Cover one nipple up with a towel while breastfeeding on the other one, to avoid spraying everywhere.
Babies indeed come without any instructions and certainly have no guarantee.
Just when you think you have a routine sussed, your baby will change it.
Put the vest bottom up over one shoulder and pop it up, to avoid the flaps getting in the way of nappy changes.
The running order of Cbeebies programmes.

You laugh hollowly when childless friends tell you they're tired. Or busy.

Always remember your baby has read none of the baby books so do not be surprised when he/she does not conform to whatever Dr/baby guru's suggestions are in vogue.

Whenever a baby is sick or poos there is always far more comes out than ever went in.

Breastfed-baby poo does not smell sweet, whatever Miriam Stoppard says.

Attend as many baby groups as possible - it WILL keep you sane!!!!

You will have a trail of snot and puke on your shoulder for at least a year and will think anyone who doesn't looks glamorous.

You never forget the first time your baby projectile vomits.

When changing the nappy of a baby boy, remember to keep your mouth closed!

Children will put the most disgusting things in their mouths - normally in front of your mil!

you will buy a second pram - that travel system is great for a while but not for long....

life is never the same again (but much better!)

A good washable nappy system is only about 10 mins more work a day than disposables.

Ensure babywipes are always to hand - you never know when your little darling may need sick or snot wiped away!!!

You will learn how to snatch a nap, standing up, in the queue at Tesco's.

No matter how grumpy your baby has been during the day, the last smile of the day makes it all worth while.

You promised yourself you would never ever take your child to McDonalds. Ha Ha!

Discover the wonder of Mumsnet.... a huge help with those niggly questions!

You can clean your entire house with babywipes.

Always have a carrier bag on hand for those "mum, I feel sick" moments.

Even when your dd is dressed in head to toe pink some old dear will say 'Oh what a lovely boy, what's his name'. Mine even had hair slides in her blond curls and a skirt on!!

an that those raisins will go straight through intact!

People will not hesitate to look at you as if you are really weird if you have given your child a name they have not heard of.

I now understand the meaning of something I read whilst pg:

?To have a child is to watch your heart walking around the room?