We're after your collected wit and wisdom (again!)

[Justine (mumsnet)]

Hi all,
We've been asked to put together something for Scotland on Sunday's magazine supplement about the first year of parenthood. Something along the lines of "Things I've learned from my first year of being a mum". They're after pithy, witty one and two liners as well as a nod to the more serious stuff too. Feel free to contribute as many times as you like - I should imagine they'll want to include nicknames so it's your chance to be famous (in your mumsnet persona) in Scotland at least.

I'm racking my brains to think of something good but can't come close to anything as good as this contribution from Spod: "Opening a new box of nappy sacks to discover that they are a different colour to the normal ones (and subconsciously debating which you prefer) can be the highlight of your day.
And this from Anchovy: "When your small baby hasn't had a poo for two days, you should dress it in a babygrow with feet attached" which we put in a similar thing we did for the Guardian a while back.
So, over to you (and many thanks )
Justine, Carrie and Rachel

Go out as much as possible, with your baby. Visit firends, stay over, go out to eat, do as much as you can becuase if you think the first year is hard wait for the second year!

Never put your child in decent trousers to go to anything held in a Church hall. The floors are never cleaned because they know that the crawling knees of myriad babies and toddlers at Tumble Tots and playgroups will do the job for them.

On your first day back at work you will:
a) have to walk around with an armful of files as you won't know what to do with your hands
b) continue to narrate everything...lets just get a coffee, oooh silly mummy made a mess...where's my document gone - all in a high pitched voice
c)Fluctuate between sheer joy that you are with grown ups and utter guilt that you are not missing your baby as much as you think you ought to!

Dinosaur...that's the new thing I'll learn today.....always thought they were just friends.

You know you've become a parent when you sneak out of work 15 minutes early for a reason other than getting to pub before before it gets too packed (Am a father by the way)

Don't be afraid of travelling with a newborn. They are just like hand luggage at this stage! Much much harder when they start to crawl!
Plus, if you are totally sleep deprived you won't suffer from jet lag!

The first year of parenthood?
It will be both better and worse than you imagined

Biggest thing I've learnt....I knew nothing before. I had experienced 1/10 of what life is about even at 35.
What I know now....mother nature can be glorious and cruel and when your a mother you have to ride that emotional journey every day.

No matter how long you've waited for your firstborn, no matter how well you've bonded and how much you adore him, there will come a brief moment, round about day 8, when you will think - this is it, there's no going back, there are no days off, and its for always. And you will be a bit scared. It will pass. You will be fine.

If you don't like what the midwives, health visitors or doctors tell you - ignore them. There are too many people with too many opinions when you have a baby.

That whatever anyone else tells you, YOU know best.

...and that there's nothing like postnatal groups to bring out the know-it-all in a woman.

... and that CBeebies is worth the licence fee on its own.

But I don't think you realise all of this till about year 5

Enjoy every moment (night or day) they're not babies for long

That those 9 months spent worrying about the birth should have been spent thinking more about what life would be like afterwards.

That people without buggies should never fill up valuable space in shop lifts.

You will always feel guilty about something.

Don't buy new outfits. They will always have spaghetti bolognese sauce on by the end of the day, even if you have only fed them white stuff.

Stain removers don't work.

When you buy a digi-box (and you will!) do not allow your baby to play with the remote control until you have chosen a pincode. Unless you want to spend all day on the telephone explaining to the nice man how your baby is the only one who knows how to unlock the childlock.

Why everybody tells you you will forget the pain at birth and everybody forgets to tell you you will forget half of the things -related to your child or not- that were in your brain before pregnancy as well?.

The realisation that you can spend 24 hours a day, maintaining another human being which is harder work than you even thought it could be...and its for another 18 years.
Realising that you didn't really understand what you were saying, when you said that you liked your own company...pre-baby.
Sleep becomes more appealing than sex. In fact a lot of things become more appealing than sex!

These are terrific - many, many thanks. Keep em coming... oh and bear in mind that it's the first year we're after so can't use any toddler/ older child stuff, hilarious as it is. We're not drafting until Sunday or Monday.
Thanks again.

However many soft toys you have, your baby will develop an attachment to a yellow bouncy ball with a red flashing light in it...

As a mother you will work 24hr days 7days a week

DP/DH will always say he has to "work in the morning" after you have managed to elbow/kick him awake and ask him to go see to crying baby. Never mind fact that you have got up 3/4 times already.

And they alway manage to go to football on a Saturday

put your babies in front of the washing machine - the colours and sound will entertain them for ages - the spin cycle is so loud it will put them to sleep- then you have to go run for the vacume and put that on in the kitchen so they dont wake up. - excellent if you have twins.

The 9 mnths of pregnancy will be the easiest 9 mnths of the rest of your life

You can't throw a sickie just because you fancy a day off. In fact its almost impossible to take any time off if you really are sick. You learn to feed a baby its mush and change a revolting nappy with your head over a bucket.