We're after your collected wit and wisdom (again!)

[Justine (mumsnet)]

Hi all,
We've been asked to put together something for Scotland on Sunday's magazine supplement about the first year of parenthood. Something along the lines of "Things I've learned from my first year of being a mum". They're after pithy, witty one and two liners as well as a nod to the more serious stuff too. Feel free to contribute as many times as you like - I should imagine they'll want to include nicknames so it's your chance to be famous (in your mumsnet persona) in Scotland at least.

I'm racking my brains to think of something good but can't come close to anything as good as this contribution from Spod: "Opening a new box of nappy sacks to discover that they are a different colour to the normal ones (and subconsciously debating which you prefer) can be the highlight of your day.
And this from Anchovy: "When your small baby hasn't had a poo for two days, you should dress it in a babygrow with feet attached" which we put in a similar thing we did for the Guardian a while back.
So, over to you (and many thanks )
Justine, Carrie and Rachel

Your baby will sleep through your morning alarm, loud music/voices and even a smoke alarm, but the gentle tinkling of parents picking up knives and forks to eat will wake them in an instant.

Even if your baby has not trown up for weeks, on the day you are taking her somewhere nice and have put a nice outfit on her - she will (and usually about 5 minutes before you get there so you can't change her!)

On a more serious note, I have learned to trust my own instincts. There is no manual for babies and all the Caring for Baby books in the world are no match for what feels right to you. Even if you don't think you have strong maternal instincts, they are there - listen to them, they're rarely wrong!

Things you did to get your first baby to sleep, settle, eat, drink, burp, smile, laugh, etc etc probably won't work for any subsequent babies you have.

You'll have to learn it all over again.

When you have your first baby you might not know how to love him/her. But after a few days that maternal love thing kicks in it's amazing, scary, lovely, all consuming, shocking, beautiful.......and you'll cry for hours at the knowledge that you missed out on those feeling for the first few days.

I did anyway.

Sitting in a darkened room in the early hours of the morning feeding my dd, absolutely shattered yet completely contented, I realised I had no idea until then how much my Mum had done for me.

Also teletext is not only for the hearing impaired!

Your baby is an individual, they will not adhere to varying baby book ideals, keep up with the joneses, or subscribe to your mother/in laws ideals!

But on the same note, Tracey Hogg's advice is sound.

Suddenly everything that mattered before, just doesn't matter anymore!! I spent a few airy fairy months after having my dd not really caring whether i was late to work, or if the bills were paid because only my dd mattered. - fortunately 2 yrs on i have recovered some skills such as basic timekeeping!!

Never again will you be able to try clothes on in shops in private. First your pram is too big so you have to leave it sticking out the cubicle with the curtain half drawn, and next your walking talking two year old decides to open the curtain to show the world the stretchmarks she gave to mummy!

Another thing I learned during the first year is that you really don't need to worry about how expensive it would be to pay for your child's higher education... the day nursery costs twice as much.

You'll pick the same things up off the floor every day
You'll never go out without shoving banana/cheese/crackers into your handbag
You'll find out how incredibly huge bogies can be
Boys always have sticky hands
If cutting their fingernails seems bad, wait 'til you try the toenails
Tiny gorgeous babies get loads of ear wax
The best sound ever is a baby chuckling in their sleep

There is no such thing as "getting back to normal" after having a baby. You can never return to anything remotely close to "normal", you simply advance to a strange new kind of abnormality.

Anyone who tells you breastfeeding is easy and comes naturally is a liar! It's a skill and must be learned and mastered like any other.

Trying to dress a newborn is like trying to thread cooked spaghetti through a straw.

That first year really does go fast!

Eyes in the back of your head are not enough - you need them all the way around.

In being a mum, I discovered a depth and range of emotion I never imagined I was capable of, or was even humanly possible.

apologies if i repeat anything.

if baby doesnt wish to be fed by you anymore...dont, just give her the spoon...its not worth the tantrum and food up your walls.

steralising is neccessary but after you see baby eating fluff from her shoes, why bother?

you can mop your laminate floor 20 times but let baby crawl for half an hour and she will be filthy. babies attract dirt.

sometimes, whatever you do...baby will scream.

your baby can drive you mad...all day, but one smile next morning as soon as she wakes up and you will develop amnesia.

baby wipes are good for anything, especially cleaning telephones. one wonders how something so gentle to clean a baby's bottom can shift grime in an industrial way.

if you dont take your baby shopping you will rock the trolley anyway.

if your baby sleeps you are glad...but you will poke them to see if they are alive...and wake them up.

you will have one side of your waist very defined, from carrying baby round the supermarket on your hip and pulling a muscle.

banana needs to be picked lovingly from babygros...a wash just will not do.

You'd imagined that you'd be some sort of Annabel Karmel goddess in the kitchen, but you rapidly realise that jars and packets are just as good.

You had to have that 'Rolls-Royce' of a buggy during your pregnancy, but you start to drool over light, easily folded strollers once you've wrestled your three-wheeler into the back of your car single-handedly.

You don't have to change your baby after every single feed.

you will stare longingly at the micro-sized ditzy handbags in topshop, then reach for the huge one because its practical for carrying bottles, nappies, wipes and a change of clothes, therefore will get more use

laughed out loud at hausfrau's post!

I have learnt:
-the price of nappies and buggies (never gave a monkeys before)
-to serenely ignore all 'advice' (especially from mil)

• what baby rice looks like -that breastfeeding HURTS in the beginning, but really is worth it (less puke, no bottles) -that you never get tired of just looking at his face...... -that you will learn how to compromise on everything - all your firmly-held childrearing beliefs suddenly become questionable -that your sex drive becomes a dim and distant memory after the birth

-that you wil actually have people offering to re-tie your laces on the bus when you're wearing the baby-carrier and can't bend over
-anf that your partner will be transformed into a cross between fred astaire and jimi hendrix to entertain the baby during mealtimes (lol)

And your washing machine will breakdown from overuse..

that having very expensive co-ordinating baby equipment will not make your baby sleep thru the night, stop crying etc etc.

how many things you can do one handed.

Don't stand when you can sit.
Don't sit when you can lie down.
Don't just lie there if there's any chance of some sleep.

you will never finish a cup of tea again. ever

you can run upstairs, have a wee and run downstairs in under 15 seconds!

ediemay........you've got SO it right!!

Huge bogies? my boys culitate the biggest ones I've EVER seen. How does that happen?

Sticky hands? I washed ds2 hands before leaving the house. By the time we got home they were filthy and sticky!?!?!?!?

Ear wax? OMG where does it all come from?

Sleep Chuckling? I sooooo agree, unbelieveabley cute.

you will go to the baby clinic and sit beaming because your baby is the prettiest baby there

i am not ashamed of doing that!

got it SO right, even.

Np, sorry.....it's my baby!

emma - LOL!

As soon as you have a baby you become invisible. Your partner, however, will discover that carrying a small child makes him a babe magnet. Encourage this, it means he will be keen to carry the small one or push the buggy whenever you go out.