We're after your collected wit and wisdom (again!)

[Justine (mumsnet)]

Hi all,
We've been asked to put together something for Scotland on Sunday's magazine supplement about the first year of parenthood. Something along the lines of "Things I've learned from my first year of being a mum". They're after pithy, witty one and two liners as well as a nod to the more serious stuff too. Feel free to contribute as many times as you like - I should imagine they'll want to include nicknames so it's your chance to be famous (in your mumsnet persona) in Scotland at least.

I'm racking my brains to think of something good but can't come close to anything as good as this contribution from Spod: "Opening a new box of nappy sacks to discover that they are a different colour to the normal ones (and subconsciously debating which you prefer) can be the highlight of your day.
And this from Anchovy: "When your small baby hasn't had a poo for two days, you should dress it in a babygrow with feet attached" which we put in a similar thing we did for the Guardian a while back.
So, over to you (and many thanks )
Justine, Carrie and Rachel

A crawling child can move faster than you think

runny poo as well as vomit can be projectile (very young breastfed babies)

Having a child gives the word 'knackered' a whole new depth of meaning...

Hope that it's not raining if it's the romote control/your phone goes missing and your little one can crawl. The dog/cat flap should be the first place to look!!!

Message withdrawn

Emmatmg "There is nothing more painful than a small set of fingers curled around your bottom lip with tiny nails digging in."

YES YES YES .. OH YES .. GOT IT IN ONE

Give your baby a big smile, watch him throw his head back in delight - and feel your teeth thud deeply into his skull.

Double check that your child has understood their deceased pet has gone to Heaven, to save re explaining later when you tell them your going on holiday to Devon

If you give your baby a pen, even if it has never drawn before, it will, all over the floor/walls.....

Close the toilet lid, or their tooth brush will go in it.....

At the end of the first year of being a mum you look back and think:

Now I truely know the meaning of 'multi-tasking'!

When your DH walks in from a day at work and you collapse on the sofa saying 'I'm knackered I haven't stopped all day' you see him glance round the room and you know he's thinking 'busy doing what'!

Ditto for some days when you utter the same words then stop yourself and look round the room and think 'busy doing what'

No matter how shy you are you will find yourself trading the most intimate secrets of your life with a stanger who happens to be feeding their baby in the john lewis baby feeding area!

You find yourself going to bed at the time you used to go out and getting up at the time you used to come home.

Never leave the house without checking your shoulders for snot trails.

Never brag that your child a) sleeps through the night or b) Has a good appetite as withing 30 seconds of the words leaving your mouth they suddenly become a) restless at night and b) picky with their food.

One day, you will find yourself in the company of your oldest and wildest friend - the one with whom you smoked, drank, took illegal substances, stayed out all night, fought, swapped unsuitable boyfriends and even once (ahem) snogged in the middle of the Atlantic Bar & Grill - and you will realise that the two of you are now singing 'If You're Happy And You Know It' - complete with all the actions - to your bemused toddlers, whilst simultaneously trying to change a nappy and wipe baby sick off your t-shirt.

And the only drink in sight comes in a sippy cup...

Exactly why sleep deprivation is such an effective form of torture.
That other people MUST be jealous because your baby is so very much nicer than theirs.
That once your vast bump subsides the rest of you suddenly looks much, much larger.
The true meaning of cellulite.

you will, in great excitement, point out fire engines to grown-up friends (no kids in sight)

That you judge a good restuarant by whether you can get a buggy in through the door & they have high chairs-not by the menu.

Your fruit hating toddler starts eating grapes-your rushing out to buy pounds of them is her signal to react like they are the fruit of Beelzebub next time you offer her them.

That the best way to check if your kitchen floor is clean,is to allow a baby in a white babygro to crawl across it.

There is no such thing as 'childproof'.

When reading lift the flaps books,your child will react with surprise & delight at what is under the flap-no matter how many times you have read it that day.

that lovely beaming smile that is directed towards you first thing in the morning, when you go to pick up your baby. How many people do that later in life?

You have a degree in literature and so you are keen to encourage your children to read. Your child thinks if reading "That's not my dinosaur" once is good, reading it 247 times in a row is 247 times as good. You suddenly start appreciating the educational appeal of CBeebies.

You find yourself wondering if Skarlooey and Rheneas are related because they sort of look alike.

Anchovy...love the sarklooey thing....don't think they are related though are they? just best friends.

OMG listen to me.

skarlooey even

all babies hate having their face wiped

you will never be able to leave the house and return without having at least one lot of baby sick/food/poo all over you.

its your first night out in ages, since have baby no.2 anyway, you put on your best clothes, take ages to put on your make-up, think you look 'ok', 'you'll do', feel a bit nervous, go downstairs and your toddler says 'mummy you look really pretty' and instantly you feel a million dollars.

then you go to kiss goodbye to the toddler and baby and get sick/snot on your best top (but you dont care)

Yes, Skarloey and Rheneas are referred to as the "Little Old Twins". (God I'm so sad.)

That is so true about shaking a baby Willow2.

Your child will eventually sleep through the night. You, however will suffer from insomnia for the next 5 years.