Unpleasant thread answers, but not ‘personal attacks’? Does it make Mumsnet into a place you don’t want to engage with as much, or at all?

[NoCommentingFromNowOn]

I feel there are so many answers that are rude or goady or similar, to fairly innocuous threads. Does anyone else feel this? Can (or will) Mumsnet do anything about them?

If I say to someone ‘fuck off you cunt’ it would get deleted. But if I pull someone down repeatedly, ask the same question over and over, try my best to be an absolute arsehole on a thread, my posts would not be deleted.

When Mumsnet say ‘not in the spirit of the site’ what do they actually mean? Because I see posters dragging someone down all the time. I know sometimes a thread will offer incredible support to someone, but if you’ve ever seen a thread go the other way with vulnerable people spoken to like shite, people will think twice about posting in a vulnerable state and will go elsewhere for support. Or they will bottle it all up.

If a lot of the comments on here were said in the workplace, or school they would be considered as bullying and people (HR, teachers, bosses) will put a stop to that behaviour. But unless it’s directed at someone specific, it won’t be deleted here.

And yes, I know I could scroll on by, and I find I am doing that, or simply reading and not participating. But I know lots of posters feel similar because I see the posts saying so.

Every single time I come on here I see really unpleasant posts and it’s such a shame, I don’t understand why they’re not deleted. Sometimes Mumsnet have already posted on those threads and are aware of them. But still they stand.

Am I in a minority here? Shall I just catch up with my saved threads then call it a day? Although, as I say, I’ve seen other people say it too 🤷‍♀️.

Where on earth did that come from ?

Gina Ford threatened to have Mumsnet shut down for nasty comments about her about twenty years ago. There were articles about the fabled meanness of Mumsnet posters and the free speech/censorship issues in the then relatively new world of huge million plus users anonymous online forums in the mainstream press quite a lot in the few years after that as there's no such thing as bad publicity the site grew rapidly.

The layout of the site and the functionality has changed a lot - that's why people reply less to one another (sub chats used to sort of grow). Everyone used to be able to search user names and although it wasn't "done" I think the knowledge that others could look up their history possibly also curbed some insanity, but more in terms of people making things up which contradicted their previous posts rather than making posters be nice.

I don't know but it seems to be getting worse, especially when OP is posting about a difficult time they are going through. Is it really necessary to keep on at someone? If you don't believe OP then say so and leave the thread.

I do agree that the best tactic is just to completely ignore them, but it's still very upsetting

Totally agree OP. There are some really aggressive folks on here.

I would never post about something I felt sensitive or vulnerable about these days, and I have been here on and off for over 20 years.

I am amazed at how people can be so rude, nasty and crass as to start long running personal arguments with other posters on someone else’s thread. It derails the thread and must be horrible for a struggling OP.

The recent thread by a woman whose Dd was in hospital with burns. Horrible. People attacking her. People not bothering TRTFT continuing to attack her. Posters having vitriolic arguments amongst themselves, on and on.

I would be ashamed if my kids behaved like that in the playground. But these posters are mothers.

I’ve been here 20+ years and it was ever thus, although back in the old days there were fewer posters so when people were insufferable cunts it was more noticeable.

I actually think MN is good at self moderating. Frequently I read a thread where the first 10-15 posts are really berating the OP but by the time you get to the bottom posters have stepped in and called out the worst behaviour.

Off topic but actually they don’t block selling pets anymore even if you report an ad but do block you trying to sell wheelchairs, rollators or orthopaedic cushions!

I have also been here 20 odd years and find it tedious at times. The crap comment is usually only a few posts in, the OP gets twisted and turned. Mostly I find it boring and predictable. Not everyone can agree and nor should they but the deliberate pulling someone apart and derailing a thread is tedious.

Almost always the first response will be nasty one. I think such people click unanswered threads to quickly get their pathetic boot in to then enjoy the nastiness which follows as others copy them.

I think there are a lot more passive-aggressive responses these days. A lot start with the phrase “you sound…” horrible/mean/unhinged/desperate/cruel etc. I ignore any posts like that but it’s a snidey and sneaky way to respond.

Yes, this absolutely. I think that anyone itching to be nasty who spots an unanswered OP feels a bit like a bully in the school cloakroom when there is just one other person there.
Good opportunity to get the knives out!
If there are a few normal replies before the wannabe cruel poster arrives, they probably have a feeling of being watched and an awareness that they might get called out.

There are a few ways to reduce your exposure to gratuitously unpleasant people on MN.

1. Hide AIBU permanently so you never see those threads at all: https://www.mumsnet.com/settings/hidden-threads
2. Follow topics you actively enjoy and read My Feed instead of Active Conversations https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/my-feed/following
3. Every time some utter dick shits up a thread, hide that thread instead of responding. You will soon forget.

Over time, these three things will radically change your experience of MN. The nicest threads are always long running threads on a specific topic where people get to know each other. The nastiest are always the most active threads because fighting is the most energetic post style. So those always pop up on Active over and over.

Yes, there’s a lot of that ‘you sound …’ stuff. And also ‘you’re probably the type of person who …’ (insert disproportionately ridiculous claim here.)

I definitely think it puts posters off seeking advice or support. I’m on a couple of Facebook pages for support regarding my youngest son’s OCD and it can get a bit snarky sometimes. People can be surprisingly judgemental about the stuff other parents struggle with. But it’s NOTHING compared to what I see on here. I find it very hard not to respond to the nasty comments, especially if they are directed specifically towards me, but also if I see a poster being deliberately misinterpreted (it’s always obvious) or bullied. I then find myself embroiled in some ridiculous exchange and I let it affect me because I have a tendency to take things to heart. It’s the unnecessarily aggressive nature of some comments that I take issue with. I am learning not to respond but it’s not easy.

This is a good post.

Hi @NoCommentingFromNowOn

Thanks for raising this. We completely understand your reservations about posts that may not be strictly breaking our Talk Guidelines but are just flipping unpleasant. Please report them to us so we can check things out behind the scenes - we do seem to have a number of lurking trolls who seem intent on posting borderline goady posts - maybe not enough to be deleted individually but a picture soon builds up... We ban them, of course, but they're quite persistent (and prolific).

As several posters have said up thread, ignoring these disruptors is often the best way to help the thread stay on track. But do report them so we can take any necessary action at our end.

Morning.

@JoMumsnet

You know when an old thread is bumped by a spammer, and you delete it but there is no trace of that spam post and it just looks like an old thread is randomly in Active? Well is there a reason you can’t do that on some of these threads? Like (for example) the thread about the child with a burn from the hairdresser?

Thank you for questioning this post.

I just did a quick check to see if I’d mistakenly posted in AIBU or not.

I actually quite like the bluntness at times. Often a blunt, straight to the point answer is really what's needed.

eg
My boyfriend has done xxx (insert a long list of unacceptable, abusive behaviour). What should I do?

Leave him he's a shit.

I've no problem with that.

Any very personal comments or rudeness unnecessarily directed at the OP isn't really on.

@Subwaystop

I am often shocked by how nasty the commenters can get

I get quite agitated to see how vulnerable people are treated (often ganged up on!)

I don’t want to be on a site with so much cruelty

…on none of my social medias does anyone come close to the cruelty I see on here

…if nothing is done, more bullies will be drawn to this site

Hmm. This is articulating exactly my feelings.

I’m too sensitive for them

Trouble is, if we get used to comments like theirs, we lose all sensitivity and the world just becomes a hate filled place getting worse and worse.

Blunt and verbally aggressive are two wildly different things. But lots of people pretend they’re the same thing. They justify it.

I think one of the issues is that people don’t report such posts. And another is that there seems to be an assumption that ALL threads/posts are moderated. Mumsnet isn’t a pre-moderated site (it couldn’t possibly be, with so many posters/posts), and therefore posts only get deleted, or posters banned, if they’re reported to MNHQ.

There are a lot of people who call “unpleasant “ when they just mean I don’t agree with at all. Some people get upset if the OP actions are criticised.

there are people presenting as vulnerable and giving vibes of entitled self centred grabber - it may be that you interpret what they say differently

there are also stirrers but they are best ignored

I think if a poster is following someone around to take pot shots that should be detected and removed - I often wonder at the history there - although I have name changed before now where I realised a TRA was targeting me

@GelatoForMe

be careful to understand that disliking someone's opinion does not make them a bully - that is true also

I’m not talking about disliking opinions.