A pondering about the Sex topic (and wider)

[FlyingElbows]

The Sex topic is potentially a very valuable resource for those who choose to use it whether they contribute or just read. I believe that the freedom to discuss sex in an open and adult manner is a good thing and very lacking in some people's lives. However... it has been described as "the most joyless sex topic ever" and I believe that that is due in no small part to the small handful of persistent posters whose only contribution is to challenge and deride poster's experiences. It's not big, clever or helpful and will actively discourage posters from seeking help and support. Would it be possible for HQ to sticky a post reminding contributors to be respectful? If people really have to hoik their bosom and get the vapours about other people's relationships then they already have the facility of the relationships board.

I've posted a couple sex threads under a different name about things that I've experienced only to be ridiculed and shouted down.

I agree with pp - I'm not going to comment on someone's macaroni cheese recipes saying I don't like cheese.

Those with fetish, kink or niche experiences don't need to be told not to do stuff but should be allowed to discuss things freely without fear of condemnation.

Posted on**

Yes. It's conversation innit? It's like sitting with your mates in the pub.

Actually, Imo, using your pub analogy it's more like sitting in a booth and the people in the next booth are talking about Kylie Minogue and how much they love Kylie, you lean over the top and tell them you hate Kylie.

Agree whole-heartedly with the OP.

I've posted about my experiences as a woman of swinging, group sex and other stuff under another NN and been sneered at (unanimously by people who have zero experience of this stuff). The types of responses are pretty much along the lines that no normal woman could enjoy this and therefore either

1. You must be emotionally damaged
2. You must have been coerced by your partner
3. You are showing off as how cool you are

They seem to think that if they haven't seen it it doesn't exist.
There is a current thread on squirting to this effect...

Yes. It's conversation innit? It's like sitting with your mates in the pub.

Not really. Because here you're choosing to join in a conversation about something.

If you were on a thread that was about favourite summer recipes, say, and someone said everyone should try this bbq lamb, it'd be quite natural to say "urgh, no, I hate lamb". So if you were on a thread about celebrities you fancied and someone started talking about fisting (going with the sex analogy) it'd be quite natural to say "god, no, that sounds awful."

Or like being at a party, wandering between groups of people and deliberately picking the group that were talking about something you don't like and butting in to tell them how much you don't like it.

The whole point is who started the conversation. To use the barbecue example...

It's not someone starting a thread about "give me some ideas for my barbecue" ("give me some ideas to spice up my sex life") and someone saying "how about lamb?" ("how about fisting?") and you saying "god no that's minging."

It's the other way round: "I love lamb, give me some recipes" ("We ended up trying fisting and I loved it, but I'm aware that it's potentially very dangerous, can someone give me some pointers on how to do it safely?") then someone comes butting in with "lamb (fisting) is just utterly disgusting."

And again I reiterate that I can still see the difference even as the most vanilla person on the planet (cordon bleu michelin starred vanilla of preference, and plenty of it...) who would not allow so much as a partner's pinky near my anus. But I still find it shocking how utterly lacking in respect towards other posters the constant attempts at kink-shaming are.

Yes, agreed, but different parts of the internet develop their own ethos. Mumsnet tends (outside of AIBU) to be a reasonably supportive place. We'd just like reminders that the majority of users want to keep it that way.

It feels to me almost like the sex topic has become like feminism - it's attracted a little coterie of people who pop up on threads simply to have a go at the whole idea of adults discussing sex (or women's rights). They don't do it on the camping section. They don't do it on threads about baking. It's just frustrating, it contributes nothing.

Bloody loved that fisting thread!

What depresses me most of all us that sex is so rarely ever discussed as fun. We have endless threads on sexual problems and from women who have lost interest (which receive lots of sympathetic responses) but hardly any from women who are enjoying sex and therefore want some advice/just to chat about this. Surely this can't be right?

Usual - the sex topic was brought about so adults could discuss sex in relative peace. People complained about sex being discussed on the main 'chat' & 'aibu' boards so now it's tucked away in it's own space. Great! - but it still gets posters popping over just to take the piss basically.
Why? - if you can't stand women discussing sex hide the fucking thing.

You post a thread you invite comments, You might not like the comments but that's the internet for you.

Yes, but why? What on earth do posters gain from coming onto a thread about something they dislike and just saying "urgh, christ, no way!"

What depresses me most of all us that sex is so rarely ever discussed as fun. We have endless threads on sexual problems and from women who have lost interest (which receive lots of sympathetic responses) but hardly any from women who are enjoying sex and therefore want some advice/just to chat about this. Surely this can't be right?

It hadn't occurred to me like this but you're right.

Any sex chat in AIBU or Chat is clearly trolling and shouldn't be replied to. So a specific board was created where people talk about it, with an attempt to make it slightly less trollable, and apparently that's not enough either.

Sex. Basically, please don't talk about it openly unless you are either having problems or joking about anal sex at Centre Parks. An actual conversation is just not... what women do?

I agree. It's potentially such a valuable source of information, support and advice but there are certain prurient posters who are very sneering and unhelpful on here.

If a thread isn't to your taste, bloody hide it!

I have it hidden. Too much oversharing and then there's some 'enthusiastic' male posters.

I also think, women talk about most things with their friends, but I've never had an explicit talk about sex with my female friends, about positions, toys, ability to orgasm etc, it feels like the one thing you do alone, so the only way I've learnt about sex is from men. And books. And now, with the proliferation of porn, which is all about male pleasure, there's even more of a need for women to be able to talk honestly about their sexual experiences, openly and frankly, what does and doesn't work for them, in order for them to have an experience that is both fulfilling and non abusive.

I've seen threads discussed in comments on other threads, but if anyone started a thread in chat or AIBU about anal fishing for example, they'd be told to use the sex topic.

Anal fishing???

FFS I meant fisting!

Anal fishing would be interesting though, so I wouldn't mind seeing it in Chat

What destiny said.

Ahh so somewhere out there, I have an anal fishing buddy

Completely agree with the OP. There's a few posters who seem to be on practically every thread raising their eyebrows and pursing their lips and they offer no advice or contribution other than their disapproval whatsoever.

If you don't like it, hide it!

Worra - I have to admit it was the anal fishing typo which got me hooked on the thread, given that, as I say, I am very vanilla. And the OP took the joking around with fish puns the carry on team would have been proud of in very good part, and was laughing along with it... but then some posters got nasty, sadly.