Do you think it's a good idea to have a non-public, password-protected area for special needs parents to vent?

[JustineMumsnet]

Following on for the discussion on this thread we'd like to know your thoughts.
For a little while now some of our special needs parents have said they don't feel Mumsnet is working for them in certain situations when they need to vent/rant/talk honestly about their situations and we've been thinking about whether there's anything structurally we can do to help. We feel very strongly that the special needs boards are a core part of Mumsnet and indeed for most of the last six years have been an exemplar of what we're all about - a place where parents can gain support and tap the experience of others to make their lives' easier. That said, we do understand that special needs parents are under extraordinary pressure and therefore more than most could do with a bit of privacy to vent when needed.
One idea that has been raised is a private, password-protected area for special needs parents on Mumsnet. This area would not be automatically visible to all but those who wanted to join could do so - though obviously you wouldn't have to join to discuss special needs - the existing public boards would remain. Clearly this is a break from the norm for Mumsnet and in some ways it feels an anathema because as we all know Mumsnet is an open forum and free access to all who need it is one of our underlying principles. But it's clear the current format is not working for many and if it's not helpful then we need to change things. We've thought about it a lot and feel it could be worth a try.
So what do you think? Special needs crowd, would this work for you do you think? Would you use it? NT parents how do you feel about it? Is it worth a go?
Let us know...
Thanks,
Mumsnet Towers

Message withdrawn

I think they should stay with us. We all have concerns and their comments can be useful.

You could say the same of other threads that deal with bright kids, race and colour they all get very silly at times.

But removing SN from active convos will prevent lots of useful input, just because you don't have SN children doesn't mean you don't have useful info - you could have SN relatives or friends or work in a particular area.

No change there then Greensleeves

I think the other thing that will happen is that you'll get people who do occasionally have helpful things to say (I have sometimes helped with genetics issues) but who would feel too much of a voyeur to actually ask for a password. I know in my case it would be easy enough to move a discussion into the public area but I still think SN parents could miss out on potentially useful input from non-SN parents, but still wouldn't have genuine privacy.

There are two issues here, aren't there:

• the "rubbernecking" issue, where SN parents feel that they may be exposing themselves and their children to yet another version of the frequently upsetting kind of attention they get in real life; and

• the shocking lack of tact and forethought that has been shown by some members of the site (particularly recently), who seem to think that because something is "their opinion" they are wholly entitled to speak as they find.

I think the second one is the only one which can be addressed, and I really like the idea of threads being visible but not post-able-on unless you have specifically registered (maybe with a donation to a SN charity?) as having an interest in SN.

I don't think the first one, desperately sad as it is, can be addressed apart from people reminding themselves that they are anonymised. I have put some fairly blunt posts about my ds (who is at the very least in some "grey area" between NT and SN), and struggle with that myself.

I would very much miss the understanding I have gained from here.

I don't like the idea. I think it is segregating away a section of mn and as you yourself say goes agsinst all of what mn is about. Also (please don't think i am suggesting people would use any secret area in this way but i feel a comparison needs to be made) the narnia thread caused a lot of pain - mainly for those who knew what was said - but also made people uncomfortable that people were being talked about behind their backs. I think it would have a big impact on the atmosphere of the boards and perhaps even in some cases create hostility. cliques anyone?

I'm sorry that many mn'ers with sn children are not finding mn a supportive place anymore. and i think that we do need to find some answers. The thing is though is that what many people like about mn is that it is an open forum - it is not too much of a nanny state. I also think that many people hold more 'private' convo's on msn whether they have sn/nt or no children at all! i see what you are saying about keeping the public as well as the private board - but in all honesty who would look at the public board when their friends/confidents and support is on the private board? meaning mn becomes even less supportive.

surely education and tolerance is the key. I know very little about sn even less about living with a sn child. i know lots of others feel the same.

Message withdrawn

I was about to dismiss CD's idea but thinking about it, I actually quite like the idea. It would restrict SN people posting their more sensitive threads within SN (and I don't think the most recent 9yr old girl one was? not that I'm saying it should have been) but I think it is all too easy to post things on here and then realise, once you've pressed post, that you should have been a bit more tactful.

A sort of warning that you have to click on may make people think before they post.

Also, I have on a few occasions, posted on an SN thread and only realised afterwards that the thread was in the SN topic. I often don't check the topic before I post iyswim.

I haven't read all the replies so i am sorry if i am repeating. I do like georginas suggestion and i too have learned a lot from parents of children with SN. The idea of having to lock that section of the boards away is, to me such a shame. A lot of special needs in children are hidden from public view because they feel they have to explain themselves constantly. Maybe have the ordinary board and a seperate private board that way, they can decide which they want to post on.
I really don't know what the solution is, could you try taking SN off active comnvo's? just for a trial to see if that works?

I don't think the issue of privacy is solely confined to special needs boards tbh. For me, MN is too big and public to write too much detail about myself or my children.

I would be sad to see the SN parents have to go underground to be able to get the support and space they need in their parenting roles that the rest of us get on MN. BUT everyone needs to get that support and if that needs to be done off the main threads for the SN topic at the moment then maybe that should happen - but with a review in 2 or 3 mths time? I like Georgina's idea of taking the threads off the active convo's and the extra prompt to be more sensitive - there have been a couple of posts I have made and then asked for them to be removed as in hindsight wasn't sensitive enough.

I would suggest do all 3
Seperate password area
General SN topic that is taken off the active convos
And
Prompt that it's an SN topic and that general parenting techniques aren't applicable.

I do feel that MN at the moment is a victim of it's own sucess and the general feel of the site has changed, but hope it will adapt and that we will get back the essence of what MN is all about.

If it weren't for the SN threads I would have no idea about downs, I would have no idea about the life ahead for my SIL (which is actually worrying me sick but in light of the recent upset I have been feeling like I can't go on and ask questions).

agree with all of what custy has said.

I like Georgina's suggestion, and CD's too.
I think what is special about Mumsnet is that they are trying to make something work for a group in our community who need mumsnet to work for them in a certain way ...
Like others I knew very little about SN before I joined MN ... I don't post on the SN boards but I do read some stuff and for example, it is thanks to the SN board that I know that 'pointing' is a vital part of a baby's development ... and, for example, that 'Welcome to Amsterdam' is not always the best poem to quote to someone you have just met who tells you their child has SN ...
I have become much more aware of children out and about - not that I have ever been that judgemental - but I will definitely think twice before I say to myself, "Nightmare child" or something like that when I see a child behaving in a different way to other children IYSWIM?

I have learned heaps from the SN board and the fantastic woment who post on it ... I would be sorry to see it go ...

Bit of ramble ...

If it's what the SN parents want, I don't see the problem with a password-protected area - I don't share the concerns of some about it being counter to the spirit of MN, as I don't see why MN shouldn't continue to provide a range of services of which the general talkboards are one and the password-protected area is another.

Removing SN from active convos does sound like a good idea (though again, only if the parents of SN children agree). I'm not sure these things would work for 'feeling depressed', though - the people who can help when you're down are often not people who are depressed themselves at the time but people who have been there and come out the other side (rather different issue with people sharing the ongoing experience of having a SN child) and are hence not likely to be deliberately wanting to hang out in a 'feeling depressed' area.

I Like CD's idea of having a pop-up warning. This would keep the SN topic in the open but would surely serve to stop most of the insensitive posts. You would have to be very thick skinned to carry on posting inappropriately and could then be pulled up by use of the red button?

Is there a way of having a check box at the bottom of posts (all posts not just SN) that will allow the OP to choose whether or not to show their post on active convos?

and would a pop up work if you have a pop up blocker? i have blocked pop ups and animated media on MN so i don't get many ad's either

you have to ask yourself if someone is continuously posting insensitive comments on the sn boards do you want them on mn at all?

3 strikes and you're out!

I think we just need to be sensitive to people feelings on here. A jokes a joke but when people are asking serious questions there should be some decorum.

I think removing the conversations from "active" is the best solution. Then you have to go into the special needs section specifically I think this would weed out all but the most determined trouble maker.

Having a "private" section would stop the SN parents from benfitting from the help of other posters who may have a NT child but work with or are related to someone with SN.

Ultimately though I think the parents of the SN children need to give their vote and you should go with that.

Wont a private area cause you a bit of an admin headache though deciding who is and isnt entitled to join?

Haven't read any of the rest of thread so my response is gut feel and hasn't been swayed by any of the arguments below, but 'yes' I think it would be useful (and I am answering as a parent who doesn't have SN children)

Was just about to post the same about "feeling depressed" Kathy.

THat particular topic people are often already feeling alone, and ignored. You would need posters to specifically look at that board, and lets face it, they cant be many that go looking for depression, can there? I sure as heck dont and I have used the "feeling depressed" boards here and there in the last year. I think posts would get missed there that wouldnt otherwise, making the OP feel even worse.

I think that GeorginaA's suggestion is a good one for SN though. I think a restricted/passworded area should be a last resort and I dont think MN is at that point yet. I honestly do think that its the issue of it popping up in active convos that invites people to post, where they wouldnt normally go looking at the SN board. Only those interested would look at it. A troll that was determined to cause trouble could always join up on a passworded area and wreak havoc before being banned anyway, couldnt they?

Its such a difficult thing though. I am 100% behind teh fact that SN parents shouldn't have to fight and battle in their 'refuge'. I am under no illusion that they lead much more complicated, stressful, difficult lives than most NT parents. However, I also think that some things do need to be discussed, no matter how painful. I know that I do find it very hurtful when people call mother's who extend b/feed "freaks" or "child abusers", or when people say that women who get drunk/dress in a certain manner deserve to get raped, but, the discussion is always a valid one.

There are many threads on MN that I have learnt from, and that have changed my POV or enlightened me. This can only be a good thing. This is why when discussions come up about extended b/feeding or rape - i will always participate because i know that there is a likelihood that some posters will learn from that (I have so why wouldnt it be the case for others?)

The main point of issue here getting the balance right between the need for SN parents to feel they can rant and blurt their emotions on a thread, and get the right support without being questionned or attacked by someone who has no concept of the issue; and that there should be no topic that is 'off limits' to discuss/talk about. Not talking about something, or having something there for general discussion does more harm than good, IMO.

I hope some of that made sense.

I like the idea of not going into active conversations

and also having a reminder for respect

shame if sn is locked away - I don't post there but I've learnt alot & this is what mnet is about.

I think Bink's point is very important - Particularly as there are many children out there going undiagnosed because their parents arent aware of their difficulties or are in denial and dont seek help. Schools are often not equipped to pick out the ones that need specialist help, and so many slip thro the health visitors net.

From looking at the titles of SN threads there are many mums wanting to test the water as it were, asking people with experience of SN whether it may be applicable to their own children, rather than commiting themselves to seeing Drs and therapists and all the hassle that can involve.

I agree this is a very emotive subject, and I can see how everyone's point of view is right here. I think the idea of the popup and reminder for respect is good. And perhaps there should be warnings for antisocial posters. MNASBOS?