Do you think it's a good idea to have a non-public, password-protected area for special needs parents to vent?

[JustineMumsnet]

Following on for the discussion on this thread we'd like to know your thoughts.
For a little while now some of our special needs parents have said they don't feel Mumsnet is working for them in certain situations when they need to vent/rant/talk honestly about their situations and we've been thinking about whether there's anything structurally we can do to help. We feel very strongly that the special needs boards are a core part of Mumsnet and indeed for most of the last six years have been an exemplar of what we're all about - a place where parents can gain support and tap the experience of others to make their lives' easier. That said, we do understand that special needs parents are under extraordinary pressure and therefore more than most could do with a bit of privacy to vent when needed.
One idea that has been raised is a private, password-protected area for special needs parents on Mumsnet. This area would not be automatically visible to all but those who wanted to join could do so - though obviously you wouldn't have to join to discuss special needs - the existing public boards would remain. Clearly this is a break from the norm for Mumsnet and in some ways it feels an anathema because as we all know Mumsnet is an open forum and free access to all who need it is one of our underlying principles. But it's clear the current format is not working for many and if it's not helpful then we need to change things. We've thought about it a lot and feel it could be worth a try.
So what do you think? Special needs crowd, would this work for you do you think? Would you use it? NT parents how do you feel about it? Is it worth a go?
Let us know...
Thanks,
Mumsnet Towers

JImjams - you are very very calm.
And have been very calmly illuminating on this and another thread about the 'subtle' reasons why the way you and others have started using Mn in a different way. i.e not that anyone is 'offending' anyone, but about having reciprocal conversations when they are about very peronal details of your child, and because it can be a little soul-destroying when people don't 'get it'...however sweet and nice they are being. The site is bigger, more lurkers, as you say....it's natural.

but surely this is a non argument now?

jimjams, i just wanted to say that when your son spoke, i was simply happy for you, that's all. i wasn't educated by it, i could just hear that you were thrilled and that thrilled me too.
i'm all for vvvqv's plan that we all just try a bit harder here and if you need to yell off-board then you can feel free to do so. Peace and love, if it isn't too cheesy to say that... (i think it might be, but i did it nevertheless).

Blu- you're an angel

Oh fgs - I wasnt suggesting you in particular JJ, I mean posters, generally, on threads, generally. The "Charlotte Wyatt" thread for example, or the "9 year old Bitch" thread. If people tried as per the quote you copied Blu, then there would be far less offended people - all round.

If its open to anyone, why did so many posters on the SN board come on here and say they werent aware of it? It should be advertised a bit more clearly so that people don't feel excluded on their own board.

Yes Enid, it is a non-argument now.

TBH I wasn't thrilled. I was surprised, and amused, but not thrilled (because I suspected that it would be a one off). I should look up the thread because I can vaguely remember at the time wanting to downplay it, and regretting posting it because people did seem so excited. Anyway it doesn't really matter, it's just something that was mentioned (and I was touched tbh that so many people did mention it, although also saddened that they got their hopes up unecessarily!), but I also think, from reading people's descriptions that it was something that wasn't captured on mumsnet accurately either.

I think my biggest surprise in everything that has gone on is just how difficult it is to convey something accurately online.

Which is interesting. Even when you're really careful with your words they seem to get changed to mean something else. The fact that people bring their own experiences so much to bear on interpretation was something that I hadn't realised.

Nope you've lost me VVV. I didn't respond to anything as if you meant me personally.

you did say somewhat ruefully that you thought it probably would never happen again, as i recall. but there was an exclamation mark i think, which i generally interpret as thrilled-ness. or perhaps i just saw loads of other exclamatories and assumed.
(i didn't get the impression that he'd be chatting away by teatime, by the way, just thought that something immensely interesting had happened, iykwim?)

jimjams
fwiw I think your interpretation of "educational" is very narrow too. I think just reading about a wide variety of experiences on here - whether they are to do with SN or PND or domestic violence or having twins or whatever - is enriching. shows us all more about life as people live it than we would otherwise see and therefore makes us all more tolerant and understanding. that is what most people on here seem to be saying, not that they need "educating" in any formal way. I would have thought that was pretty trite and didn't need spelling out but there you go.
I think you read it wrong too jimjams. I don't think "other people" are objecting to the way in which you and other people have changed the way you use mumsnet. How any individual chooses to use it or not is entirely a matter for them according to their needs at the time. it's not a public service, after all.

Those were examples. I don't just interpret educaitonal in that way. I was just trying to demonstrate the difference between other people using the board to educate/enrich themselves, and people using it for support (which it used to be used for). Originally non-support issues were secondary to the whole point of the board. I was just trying to demonstrate that "losing" (whether because it goes private, or because people stop posting) doesn't mean that suddenly experiences of SN have to stop. Anyway it gave me a chance to mention the Befriending scheme and the idea of encouraging toddler groups to accept children with SN, which I think are good ideas.

If no one is actually that bothered that it doesn't offer support anymore then it doesn't really matter anyway.

I'm sure if people ask for/seek support on any of the boards on mn including sn then people will continue to offer it ..won't they?

no, of course people don't use the board to enrich themselves. it just happens. and of course that process is vital for people who are just getting a diagnosis or everyone uses it for different reasons, of course, and I don't think you can make generalisations about why people use it.
actually, almost everyone on this thread has been talking about how to the make the board more supportive for everyone including newcomers.
if individuals don't find it as supportive as they used to, then that is sad of course, and I don't think you could accuse anyone here of "not caring" about that. in fatct from what I can see everyone posting here cares passionately about it. they just disagree about what it means and how to achieve it.
but mumsnet is a big community and getting bigger. not everyone will agree. just because people's views are different doesn;t mean they're wrong.

I haven't made generalisations. Lots of people have stated that they don't use the board for support anymore. Which is fine. I'm not sure that any of the recent threads have seen that as a problem-it's just been a statement.

I'm perfectly comfortable and happy with not posting about ds1 anymore. It isn't any sort of loss for me. I don't think I've said otherwise.

If there was a password protected area (which this was about) then I probably would post about him in there (would depend on the setup and the "safety" angle). Lots of people have said they wouldn't use it though, so presumably there's no point having one (I'm hardly going to sign myself in and then start talking to myself!)

If I see a factual post I can answer in SN, and have the time then of course I would answer. I've always done that when taking a break anyway. If I'm being asked whether I would share my similar experiences about ds1 with a newcomer then no I wouldn't. I would link them to a useful site (or say "have you tried x, y and z"), but I wouldn't say "oh ds1 did that and we found that x, y and z were helpful", because I wouldn't want to put it in my own context. I did actually ask a while ago that al my posts mentioning any of my children were deleted (they weren't. Since then I have been a lot more careful about how I post on here. DH is a good monitor- he's a very publically private person so I imagine him on my shoulder before posting.

So (brain moving slowly here). Is the question 1) "how will people continue to enrich themselves if no-one is posting"? Or is the question 2) "does it matter if people don't enrich themselves (re SN) because no one is posting their more personal experiences on SN". Or is the question 3) "should steps be taken to ensure that people on mumsnet who have been posting for support for several years be able to continue to do so".

My answer to all 3 questions (from my own pov) would be:

1. things I suggested earlier if so inclined. 2)no- that was never the point of setting up the section. 3)if enough people would use such a facility.

or another question 4) how will newbies access support re SN on mumsnet?

And my answer to that would be encourage the current posters not to leave, and therefore set up something that would encourage them to post. They seem to be dropping like flies at the moment though!

I was thinking of what you said Jimjams regarding how you respond to a post or offer support and your solution is what i do anyway..ie on say education,teenagers, feeling depressed, health etc i usually offer suggestions of the try this or this might help or check this out which might be based on my personal experience or not, i don't necessarily make it clear precisely because I am wary of my privacy as you say. I think that is a very valid way of supporting someone. I think the alternative you are talking of is more of a mutual support group which probably is better in a private environment like you have already set up. I'm sure people are doing this all the time privately although they might have originally met in a public forum.

there have been some great posts on here
since yesterday by lots of different people - I havn't had time to fully absorb them yet so will read again in the early morning when my mind is clearer. jimjams, your viewpoint is really good to hear.

I have grown more private on mumsnet, too, especially about my children. If I talk about them now, it is on very specific, non sensitive topics and when I feel mumsnetters can really offer targeted help. So I do still ask for support, but try not to open my family life to scrutiny. I have never posted a picture of us here and never intend to.

My oldest son now uses the internet a lot to contact his friends. He has is own website. Increasingly I question myself about whether I should post about him on this site. I still do, but edit out much more than I used to.

One of the main reasons I feel strongly against having any private password area on mumsnet is a gut feeling about protecting him and his younger brother.

yes you're probably right. I suppose it doesn't address the issue of traffic being down in that part of the site, but maybe new people will come in (who don't have other places to post) and make it busy again, and so on and so forth.

Anyway as an aside I counted up the number of people I email directly and regularly that I met through mumsnet. About half have children with SN, half don't. Then I counted up the people I've met from mumsnet. Ditto half have children with SN and half don't (very similar to my RL balance of friends as well). So I'm not sure where this supposed big NT/SN split comes in anyway.

oh my post was in reply to zipi- will read yours now TM. (someone who I hope to get to meet sooner rather than later!)

What do you mean by that TM (the bit about your son)- do you mean because you want your son to only post post openly (cool that he has his own website), or that you want to be careful about what you say about him?

My views about the internet and children are changing as ds2 starts to use it very independently.

It's the latter, jimjams. I know he and his friends are highly unlikely to read mumsnet, but if they did, I want to feel I have said nothing they don't know already IYSWIM (ie my son was open to many people in real life that he was nervous about singing a solo on stage, and as I thought I could get a good perspecitive on it here, I felt ok about posting). Ok I don't follow this aim to the letter, and probably post more about him than I should, but it does influence me.

forgot to add, lots of his friends have websites too - they all download pictures and message each other like mad - I cannot keep up with it. I darn't tell you what name he has chosen for himself - it would create a mumsnet riot!

Hope to meet you sooner rather than later, too.

Yes that makes sense, and something I thought about when posting about ds2 the other day. Another reason I've wanted to hold back is because of this "SN mum nonsense" that has been discussed in several places on this long thread. In terms of categories I'm 2/3 NT mum, and I would hate ds2 or ds3 to come across this in the future and think that I was defined only by ds1.

Because I used to use this as suppport I have posted more about ds1, because his problems tend to be quite different from the run of the mill- and I don't know many (any) peoploe with the expertise of Davros' et al locally. It doesn't reflect the divsion of councern etc within the house though. I would hate ds2 or ds3 to come across this and think it did.

yes, I can see that, too - a what busy, full household you have there