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MNHQ

Do you think it's a good idea to have a non-public, password-protected area for special needs parents to vent?

499 replies

JustineMumsnet · 17/10/2006 08:26

Following on for the discussion on this thread we'd like to know your thoughts.
For a little while now some of our special needs parents have said they don't feel Mumsnet is working for them in certain situations when they need to vent/rant/talk honestly about their situations and we've been thinking about whether there's anything structurally we can do to help. We feel very strongly that the special needs boards are a core part of Mumsnet and indeed for most of the last six years have been an exemplar of what we're all about - a place where parents can gain support and tap the experience of others to make their lives' easier. That said, we do understand that special needs parents are under extraordinary pressure and therefore more than most could do with a bit of privacy to vent when needed.
One idea that has been raised is a private, password-protected area for special needs parents on Mumsnet. This area would not be automatically visible to all but those who wanted to join could do so - though obviously you wouldn't have to join to discuss special needs - the existing public boards would remain. Clearly this is a break from the norm for Mumsnet and in some ways it feels an anathema because as we all know Mumsnet is an open forum and free access to all who need it is one of our underlying principles. But it's clear the current format is not working for many and if it's not helpful then we need to change things. We've thought about it a lot and feel it could be worth a try.
So what do you think? Special needs crowd, would this work for you do you think? Would you use it? NT parents how do you feel about it? Is it worth a go?
Let us know...
Thanks,
Mumsnet Towers

OP posts:
maddiemostmerry · 19/10/2006 17:14

I don't get much time to post anywhere at the moment. However, I think I would like a password protected area. Much of what I would like to say is just too personal for a general board and I am very aware of how recognisable my family may be. Although this may sound far fetched, one of the first mner's to respond to my post had lived in the same area, and had a child seen by the same team as my son. This was not a problem but the team around your sn child relies on a lot of good will and hard work and I know that a lead SLT in my area uses boards.
I sometimes would like to discuss issues more deeply or discuss professionals which are invoved in our day to day life in a way that I feel unable to on an open board.
Having a sn child rips you to the core and you are very vulnerable, yet at the same time have to be so strong. Services which you think a sn child would automatically qualify for are so hard to come by, and when you get them you can be made to feel that you are denying other children provision.

I am only typing what I feel and yes of couse I know mn is an open board but sometimes I would like advice from JJ, Bh, Ct,Socci, Davros etc that is not public. Again I know I could just ask for their email but as I said at the start life is very busy.

ShinyHappyPurpleSeveredHeads · 19/10/2006 17:16

Good points well stated Maddie.

maddiemostmerry · 19/10/2006 17:25

SHPSH, thanks. It is not about wanting to shut other people out at all

ShinyHappyPurpleSeveredHeads · 19/10/2006 17:33

I know Maddie. In fact as far as I can see, anyone who WANTED the password in order to particpate in the 'separate forum' could have it! It's just that it wouldn't be automatically viewable and therefore a free-for-all for anyone to browse and comment as any of the active threads are now. Which is fine in most cases. But for some on SN it has been shown to be not fine.. which apparently isn't enough for others, with no real plausible issue on the matter, because it means 'something has changed'. And even though that 'something' may not affect them personally (still fail to see how the essense of Mumsnet will have been ruined ), Nothing Must Change. (Apparently.)

Obviously the whole thing is giving me the hump so I'll get my coat because it's not my attention to offend people but honestly, rarely have I read such a pedantic load of foot stamping even on MN. If something so small helps even a few who are bloody struggling then where's the harm?

tigermoth · 19/10/2006 18:45

shineyhappy you say "l'll get my coat because it's not my attention to offend people....."

By ShinyHappyPurpleSeveredHeads on another thread at 5:12:02 ..... And frankly, as far as the negative opinions on this, of the parents of NT kids, go.. bugger em!"

ShinyHappyPurpleSeveredHeads · 19/10/2006 18:54

Were you offended by that then Tigermoth?? There are some delicate little flowers on here sometimes..!

Ok let me rephrase.. it was not my intention to offend.. I do not sent out to do so.. but these threads have made my bloody mad and I can't be arsed with any of it now. Not you personally.. and not anyone in particular.. but if a few people can't get over the possibility of a minor change to help a few others cope with a bloody awful life long situation (not forgetting the fact that it won't hurt or change anything much for anyone!) then frankly (I'm nothing if not frank) I'll bugger off. Not known for flouncing but I'm going to look for somewhere else online for SN support from now on.

Cheers, and thanks for the kind thought (re the password area) MNHQ.

SleepyJess

2shoescreepingthroughblood · 19/10/2006 18:59

i do hope you don't go sleepyjess

maddiemostmerry · 19/10/2006 19:01

Oh, Ive only just realised its you Sleepyjess.
Hope everything is trundling along ok

PeachyBobbingParty · 19/10/2006 19:40

Sleepyjess please stay.

The only reason (and I'm an SN parent and an NT one thankfully) is that I don't like segregation at all, it makes me sad. I think people SHOULD be able to post sensitively on a board and not be jumped upon, and that is what we should aim for.

SoupDragon · 19/10/2006 20:14

How long will it be before other long term users of other sensitive topics want a password protected area?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 19/10/2006 20:22

Absolutely Peachy. Absolutely. Mind you, my opinion counts for nothing -I'm not qualified, it seems.

Am bowing out of this now.

PeachyBobbingParty · 20/10/2006 08:13

That's sad (IMO) that people think like that

I hope I'm not cunted as one of them

I value all opinions, and all the support from whoever I have received in my six plus years here.

I'd hate that to stop.

It's a tiny minority of threads

FrannyandZooey · 20/10/2006 08:20

Would it be really wrong to snort at Peachy's typing error?

harpsichordcarrion · 20/10/2006 08:24

franny

we could reassure peachy that she most certainly would not be counted among that number
or, indeed, c*nted....
AND we must tell peachy again how lovely she is

FrannyandZooey · 20/10/2006 08:30

I have always cunted Peachy as a thoroughly good sort

harpsichordcarrion · 20/10/2006 08:38

she probably really hates that word
like all right thinking people
so stop it

FrannyandZooey · 20/10/2006 08:39
Greensleeves · 20/10/2006 08:49

It's a good point that people keep making - other sensitive topics will want to be protected too if this goes ahead.

Personally, after the vindictive, hurtful kicking I took after giving details of my horrendous struggle with my mentally unstable mother, I would see their point. Others may think there is no comparison between having a SN child and having an emotionally abusive parent, but from my point of view it is just as much of a long-term cause of stress and unhappiness, in fact it has driven me right to the brink on many occasions and it isn't going to go away. So when I was subjected to an onslaught of accusations of heartlessness, cruelty, selfishness etc by total strangers on MN, I found it very painful indeed. Actually it makes me feel quite sick to think about it.

I can certainly see why some of the parents who rely on the SN board would want a protected area. But having made that imaginative leap, I can also see why others would start demanding the same for their own areas of extreme vulnerability. So on the whole I think it would be a bad thing. It would change the character and climate of MN for ever, IMO.

PeachyBobbingParty · 20/10/2006 08:52

Greensleeves, IMO Sn should include psychiatric disorders, of xcourse it should. I am surprised anyone could be so hurtful

LOL at my typo

lou33 · 20/10/2006 09:09

i still dont want a sep SN area

VeniVidiVickiQV · 20/10/2006 12:32

No, peachy I dont count you as "one of them" at all. You have been utterly lovely. Had to come back and say that.

And have been sniggering at your typo

Jimjams2 · 20/10/2006 13:17

So I wonder who does count as one of them?

Been pondering all this overnight. I'm surprised that so many people find the SN section educational. A lot of things that have been said apear to have been wildly misinterpreted. So if it is educational it's obviuosly not doing a very good job. Damaging probably.

I'm not sure there's any point at all in comparing who has the hardest time. I've seen people interpreted as saying "ooh I have a really hard time you have to be nice to me", when they've actually said nothing of the sort. Happened last week. I would be all for various sections of mumsnet getting password protected areas if that's what the regular contributors to that area wanted, if it was useful to them. It's only about posting vulnerable things in private, if enough people from one section want it then I don;t see why anyone else would object.

It appears that the majority do not want a password protected area for SN - which is fine. We can all find other places to gain support for difficult issues. I suspect most of us has good enough support systems in place anyway that we don't need to get it from mumsnet.

RE: education- there are far better ways to find out about conditions than on here. For instance something that has been mentioned a number of times is hearing about ds1 saying his first word. Except it wasn't his first word, it never happened again, it was just a one off, when he managed to get his mind and body to work together for a couple of seconds. So anyone who thinks he said his first word and then its all progressed from there has an inaccurate idea of his condition. It doesn't really work like that. So in terms of accuracy of a condition you'll get a better idea from something like Charlotte Moore's books. It'll be more educational. If you truly want to find out more about a condition there'll be loads of chances in your community. if you're running a toddler group specifically invite children with SN,it would be very welcome I'm sure, if you have spare time volunteer for something like the NAS Befriender scheme (I'm sure charities like Scope run their own versions). It'll teach you far more than someone's unedited ramblings on an internet site.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 20/10/2006 13:43

Oh i keep coming back.....

Who does count? I think if you read all the posts over the last few days it will be pretty apparent JJ.

I'd also like to ask you what you have learned since joining Mumsnet, that you hadnt searched out, or had absorbed without realising?

Nothing at all? I doubt it.

I think people are stretching this point of being educational much too far now. A topic or conversation being out and open in the public is educating. Simple as that.

I've learnt plenty of things, browsing through various topics. I click on something, I read it - sometimes I see something I havent before - that is educating. If it happens to be because someone has been struggling with potty training, or because someone has been assaulted by their husband and a list of helplines has been posted, what is the big deal?

If you get asked questions, well, dont respond if it bores/tires you. It's not like people aren't used to having questions unanswered on here anyway is it?

To be perfectly honest, most of the things I have learnt relating to special needs has been when it has been posted - in an informative/discussion/argument aspect on a thread that ISNT on the SN board. I dont think there have been more than one or two examples of a thread in SN turning into a free-for-all, has there? Most of the kind of incidents cited over the last few days as being upsetting have occurred on threads that aren't on the SN board, IME.

If people want to rant - they have your yahoo group to do that already. Its not open to all posters on the SN board, but hey ho, why should I be worried about that anyway?

I think, the main problem here is that people need to calm down, try and see things from both sides, think a bit more before they post, get a bit of perspective, and realise that this is a community and we ALL have to muck in together to make it work. I dont think MNHQ can implement any changes to make that work - we've all just got to try.

Jimjams2 · 20/10/2006 13:51

I only brought up the educational aspect because reading through the posts people have made that seems to have been one the main objections made against SN having a private area.

AFAIK the yahoo group is open to all regular posters on the SN board.

I'm perfectly calm. I just choose to use mumsnet in a way that is different to how I used to several years ago. I don't think I'm the only one. I don't particularly think it matters. It's other people that seem to be objecting to that idea.

Blu · 20/10/2006 13:52

"I think, the main problem here is that people need to calm down, try and see things from both sides, think a bit more before they post, get a bit of perspective, and realise that this is a community and we ALL have to muck in together to make it work. I dont think MNHQ can implement any changes to make that work - we've all just got to try."

Yes.