Do you think it's a good idea to have a non-public, password-protected area for special needs parents to vent?

[JustineMumsnet]

Following on for the discussion on this thread we'd like to know your thoughts.
For a little while now some of our special needs parents have said they don't feel Mumsnet is working for them in certain situations when they need to vent/rant/talk honestly about their situations and we've been thinking about whether there's anything structurally we can do to help. We feel very strongly that the special needs boards are a core part of Mumsnet and indeed for most of the last six years have been an exemplar of what we're all about - a place where parents can gain support and tap the experience of others to make their lives' easier. That said, we do understand that special needs parents are under extraordinary pressure and therefore more than most could do with a bit of privacy to vent when needed.
One idea that has been raised is a private, password-protected area for special needs parents on Mumsnet. This area would not be automatically visible to all but those who wanted to join could do so - though obviously you wouldn't have to join to discuss special needs - the existing public boards would remain. Clearly this is a break from the norm for Mumsnet and in some ways it feels an anathema because as we all know Mumsnet is an open forum and free access to all who need it is one of our underlying principles. But it's clear the current format is not working for many and if it's not helpful then we need to change things. We've thought about it a lot and feel it could be worth a try.
So what do you think? Special needs crowd, would this work for you do you think? Would you use it? NT parents how do you feel about it? Is it worth a go?
Let us know...
Thanks,
Mumsnet Towers

tiggi exactly

Lovely post peachy

Agree hunker.

"which is a lovely way of making it so that people can edit out the experiences of parents with sn from their everyday mn lives"

But you can't have it both ways. SN parents appear to want us to butt out because we don't understand and to hide away in a password protected area.

Message withdrawn

What colour would red links go once clicked? My blue links go purple atm (I'm sure there's some way I can alter this) - would they all turn the same colour, whether in SN or not?

So if no one wants to hide away, why this sort of thread and the other similar ones??? I hate the idea of any sort of seggregation be it coloured links, private boards or excluding them from Active Convos (I always planned to use the "with SNs" link which isn't there)

I find it all

Peachy I agrre 100%.

I once had a worry / problem with my DD and posted it outside of SN's. I received a lot of help from 'my mates' on mumsnet and it was great. Someone from SN's came on and almost told me off and said something along the lines of 'why are you posting here, I don't know why you do this why aren't you in SN's?'.

The reson is simple, I was looking for support and I've had some of the best support from mums whose children don't have special needs.

Please, please do not refer to users of the Special Needs section as SN's Mums, please. We're not SN's mum and we are all individual people with diffrent views on the password thing.

I have a child who happens to have special needs and I personally wouldn't use a password protected part of mumsnet.

OK.

TeeCee, are you TC?

[bit dim]

If you are, I remember that thread where you were told off. Thought it was a bit strange [baffled]

Yes

-hijkack- teecee started a thread in chat asking for your help....

But not yes you're dim LOL.

Yes my 'ticking' off without a word of support pissed me off big time.

Fio hit the nail on the head in her last post. Tigermoth, with respect, why do you have such an issue with what you are calling secrecy'? It would NOT be so we can bitch and slag off.. it would just be support^. There is NOWHERE else to get it sometimes. Sad but true. Sadder still that many feel that their one access to the this support has been cut off because they are unwilling to post. With very genuine reason.

I have recently posted threads on SN about an appalling problem I have at the moment regarding my 6 year old DS smearing faeces. For ages I was too ashamed to admit or discuss with anyone. DH and I suffered in silence. And believe me it can be a soul destroying this to wake up to regualrly. Eventually I posted on here out of desperation (and as I have said, got a lot of support and no nastiness.) However, if a password protected area had been available I would have posted SO much sooner and probably have been receiving that much needed support and practical advice long ago.

This is just an example to hopefully make a point to those all hung up on why parents of SN might need a special place to go (if ONLY we didn't!).

So why is it really that people don?t want the sn boards to be private and password protected? Is it:

1. because they have a genuine interest in sn and often go on to these boards to read about sn, to educate themselves and to hopefully not be so ignorant/misinformed in the future? Or:

1. Is it because they have befriended parents of children with sn on the other boards and feel that those friendships may suffer if those people were posting mmainly in a password protected area? Or:

1. IS it because people feel that if there was a password protected area, it would be like an exclusive club where only certain people were welcomed and where the rest would be talked about without their knowledge? Like the secret narnia threads.

I personally think that,

1. most people do not go on to the sn threads and read about what is happening on there IMO. I think that a lot of information/education that has been achieved on mn has been achieved through the parents of children with sn posting on the regular boards, and no-one has said that if the sn section were password protected that they wouldn?t go on the rest of mn. Surely that education would still take place, but the parents of children with sn could go on to a separate area to post about things they don?t necessarily feel comfortable advertising to the whole of syber space.

1. Again, no-one has said they won?t be coming on the regular mn boards, so surely any friendships established would remain, and if you are a valued enough friend then that person might still feel confident enough to discuss their deepest moments with you anyway?

1. If people are afraid that a ?secret? area will enable others to talk about them, then surely they?ll know that if they?re worthy of being talked/gossiped/bitched about, then those who are inclined to do so will have found a way to do it long before the introduction of password protected areas. There are enough places on the internet, with the instant messengers/email lists/various chat sites, that people could have started up a whole bitch community by now without anyone?s knowledge. If people want to talk about me then carry on, but I really think that the parents of sn children have better things to talk about when they enter a ?safe? zone, than to bitch about what this or that mn?er has said/done to them.

Shinyhappy, were you worried that if you posted on this board, people outside of SN would not be sympathetic or understanding? did you worry that someone would post something judgmental and unsupportive?
that would be very sad indeed.

wannabe I couldn't give a toss if people bitch about me and I think it's a pretty trivial consideration tbh.
what about this from Pixel though:
"If there were to be a 'secret' section how would people gain access? Would it be by invitation only? I just ask because there have been many references to some 'other place' where all the SN posters have apparently gone but I haven't been told where and I have been using Mumsnet for a fairly long time now (am trying not to be miffed, after all it's only t'internet). Who would decide if someone was 'worthy' of knowing the password?

I couldn't not post anything after reading this whole thread but please nobody jump on me because it scares me"

it might make the SN board less accessible to those who need it. old and new posters. and people less likely to recommend it if they don't know what it's like.

shiny happy I did read that thread of yours and updates...

I thought I might have something to contribute, but as often happens on mn I decided that I couldn't say anything which others couldn't say better and from more current perspective..

I am interested in reading expereinces of as and dyspraxia as I wish this information had been as accessible when my ds was younger..it would have made a huge difference to life..I've learned a lot from mn in this regard, in some ways I wish I hadn't as i now know I have been an ongoing failure as a parent and still am but I have seen other people who have had the opportunity to follow up what they have learned from the sn board at an early age and helped them with their children

no hc I couldn't give a toss either. But there have been references made to "narniagate" in this topic, and therefore to some it obviously is a consideration.

With regard to having access to the sn section, maybe this could be something that is done when you sign up to mn, when you fill out your registration, with the ages etc of your children, there could be a tick box that says "does your child have special needs" with an edit box to put details of any sn if you felt comfortable. At that point you would be sent an email saying that a separate sn area is available on mn and giving you a link/password to have access. once you clicked on the link you would be taken to a set of terms and conditions saying that all conduct must be appropriate, that you will be aware of the sensitive nature of posts in this section and that violating these T&Cs would result in you having your access to the area suspended, with a tick box to accept the terms and conditions.

Narniagate was pathetic, designed by bitches for bitches and shouldn't be compared to a place whee mums whose children have special needs can choose to discuss more sensitive issues relating to their children.

Message withdrawn

Harpsi, I was ashamed of that particular problem for a long time. It is a very socially unacceptable and disgusting subject. The first time I posted about it on here I changed my name from my usual one and it took me ages to want to do even that.

Re SN issues in general, I have always pretty much posted what I wanted since then, (nothing seemed as bad as my child regularly eating shit! ) including vents and I have escaped harsh, judgemental or ill-thought out comments.. but I have winced many a time as I have seen others subjected to exactly that.

It really ISN'T that I want to be part of a private club and at the same time enjoy the liberty of having something the average Mumsnetter can't gain access to. It's not that at all. And some parts of this thread seem to imply that perhaps SN parents think they are 'special' and should have special treatment because they have "the hardest job in the world".. much worse than being depressed.. or being bereaved or whatever. Well I personally don't think I'm special but I would argue the toss that I, among so many others, have one of the hardest jobs in the world. And I didn't apply for it. And I was/am not qualified for it. And I didn't want it. And I screw up big time and torture myself over it. And it's forever, (or until I die). And it pretty much takes up my whole life. It has changed who I am (or was). It has changed my marriage. It has blown to bits the original plans I had for my and our future. And do you know the one (and only) thing that helps me deal with all that? It's talking to other people in the same position. Because they know. Because, without that, it's the most isolating feeling in the world and isolation is awful. And because of this specific situation and all the aforementioned pressures, online support is the only kind that is ever going to be readily and regularly available. I can't go looking for it outsdie the home.. I am tied to the home mostly. And if it WAS there and available (which it isn't), I couldn't afford it. (Because I can't go to work.) It's NOT a clique (I nearly choked when someone suggested that..) We are not in it for fun.. but sharing helps us to get some fun out of it sometimes.. helps us develop a much necessary black humour (it's a requirement, trust me!).. and see the funny side when we might not have.. and appreciate the truly joyful moments and achievements and little successes that we get from our children.

Sorry if that post was a bit 'me me me' but that is purely because I don't want to speak for anyone else; that's the way I feel. I would like a password protected forum in addition to the usual ones for the reasons outlined above.

Doubt it will happen though because a majority don't seem to be in favour which is fair enough. It's a shame though the majority of that majority is made up of parents with NT kids. That to me isn't fair enough. I still don't understand how they can feel strongly enough about it to post and say "No.. there shouldn't be one!" because I don't understand what's being taken from them or how it will affect them negatively.

shinyhappy, I have a general dislike of the idea of password protected areas. This is not about SN. I would feel the same if mumsnet was looking into password protected areas for breastfeeding, style advice or anything else.

I do think it would breed secrecy and add complications. But mainly I don't accept that any topic, password protected or not, would contain only supportive, 'on topic' messages. This does not happen elsewhere on mumsnet, so why would it automatically happen on a password protected topic?

What would happen if someone with access to a 'secret' topic thread sees a private rant/joke that is against a person/people/thread elsewhwere on mumsnet and decides to cut and paste it into active convos?

I am sorry that some SN parents feel unable to post for support on mumsnet. I just think there must be other solutions to this, on mumsnet or elsewhere on the internet. So far, I like the decisions that mumsnet towers have made regarding taking SN out of active convos and having an SN button - if that helps some parents to feel more supported so much the better.

That's what I keep saying Shiny.
I personally don't want to use it but that's not the same as not wanting it to exist. I don't use loads of sections in mumsnet.

If there are a handful of people that do want this, and Mumsnet has the ability and agrees, it really shouldn't matter to anyone else.

General SN's will be unchanged, this is an addintional part of mumsnet and doesn't take away from anything else.

If people want / need it who is anyone who doesn't want / need is to stand in their way?

Why does it effect anyone else?

"Breeding secrecy"

It's a place whee mums can discuss sensitive, personal issues about their kids, nothing more, nothing less and if it helps 3 people, even if only for 6 months then it's worth it in my eyes.