There's a real problem on the SN boards

[GobbySadcase]

For a long time now I've been really saddened that I've not been able to post on the SN boards.

I took a brief foray into there when I was a newb years and years ago now and got my head bitten off because I have my own way of doing things with my children. I thought it would be a supportive, empathetic, inclusive place to be.

It happened at a time I was particularly fragile, so I retreated to the main boards thinking it was just me.

Having got to know some other parents who also have children with disabilities I discovered this was not the case. At least five others have left for the exact same reason.

Tonight I responded to a post which stated that I was somehow failing my children. The thread had been moved from a main board, I repeat I do not routinely go to the SN board due to the way posters have behaved to me there on three occasions now. In return I got a personal attack. Someone else backed me, they got further personal attacks.

Neither me or the others who have been attacked retaliated. We stated our views calmly and logically and got MEGA CAPITALS in return.

It seems to be becoming more and more nasty and confrontational on there as time goes on. My concern is that a parent undergoing the diagnostic process or with a newly diagnosed child is vulnerable, and as even saying you want to explore all options is a heinous crime on there may get attacked at a time that really isn't good for them.

I even specifically tell parents I know in RL not to go there, and why.

Thing is, what can be done?

I can virtually guarantee you that if those people listed their former MNSN names and you searched their former MNSN posts, they would all be people who took support from the board and rarely, if ever, offered it in return. They said they were 'too worn down' to help other people. They were 'too exhausted by their own issues' to help other people

Ah, so support here is conditional then? it's not ok to take support/advice if you can't give it yourself?

That's nice.

Not conditional, but I do think it's a bit rich to complain about the quality of support that's offered if you give none yourself, year in, year out.

If you want the quality of support to increase, increase the quality of support you give.

Most of us who have offered advice don't just have it tripping off our tongues. We don't know the exact page of the SEN CoP which contains the salient point for an OP. We go to the SEN CoP, which is freely available online, and say 'here's where you'll find it.' We could, of course, simply say 'google the SEN CoP' but we don't.

Likewise, when a new poster comes along, we don't say 'look in the archives, you'll find some threads'. We explain how we got to where we are, what they might like to do, etc.

If you must know most people I have spoken to come from SN groups I'm a part of on social media sites. Their thoughts and feelings are absolutely valid.

I give support there, as at least sharing an experience with other parents who you know 'get it' and are completely non judgmental is actually acceptable.

I find it offensive that you are doing down vulnerable posters when they don't have the energy or space to reciprocate lougle.

Some people take comfort from being able to help others when their own plate is actually full to brimming, and other posters are so near the edge that they haven't got anything else to give, that it would cost them too much if they gave any back.

But they are just as worthy as anyone else.

Honeysweet

Sometimes it's not references of law that help. It's being able to rant about a CDT rejection with someone who knows how crap it is. Being able to share the absolute joy that those first words at the age of 4+ bring with someone who knows.

Stuff that if you've not been there you won't understand.

honeysweet If you think I am sock-puppeting, then why don't you report my post and find out... and where exactly did you come from by the way.. Are you one of the posters who are too afraid to post because of the bullies?

Not conditional, but I do think it's a bit rich to complain about the quality of support that's offered if you give none yourself, year in, year out

The quality of support isn't the issue, judginess and nastiness is.

Not everyone has anything to offer, particularly if they are just about managing to cope with their own lives.

I agree with AgentZigzag. I have not been on SN, but I find there are definitely places to avoid on MN, purely because there are people 'in charge' and you are not allowed to give views that don't 'fit'.
I made the mistake of straying into 'relationships' today- never again!
If I had a problem I would not post on MN- it is too scary, especially if you are feeling very vulnerable. I couldn't recommend it to anyone.
I think the whole site needs to be divided into two. One part for debate, that is, by its very nature, robust and one for support where people only post if they give the sort of support that you would give face to face with a person, with sensitivity.

I'm pretty sure if I named names that would be construed as a personal attack. Only one of the people I have been flamed by in the past isn't on this thread, though.

AgentZigzag - I don't recall lougle's objection being to the lack of return support. It's the complaint about the support received, often long after the event, that rankles.

I've always thought of MN as being not just for those who have strong opinions and know how to put it across in text, but also for the 'quieter' lurkers who maybe don't feel as comfortable as others at putting their problem in a forum post.

It shouldn't be that one drowns out the other.

The quality of support isn't the issue, judginess and nastiness is.

Where is this though, can you point to another example of it apart from Wet's posts( Which I found highly unlike her by the way, she did go over the top a little bit on that thread)

There is very little debate on the SN boards.

I'm always willing to share - heck if I ever meet anyone in RL with a new DX I'm telling them the name of the guy at County who helps with DLA forms, discounts at attractions, water sure and warm home grants, local Saturday clubs for SN kids. But if all they want to do is be scared and upset at me I can do that too. I still remember clear as day when I realised there was something preventing DS1 developing normally and if I can reassure I do.

For that I expect nothing in return. Why would I?

Gobby, you started this thread saying you were saddened that you couldn't post on the SN boards.

Do you mean that?

Have you tried to recently?

Flamings and pouncing should never happen. And ime of the SN board, they rarely do. Your experiences would seem to bear this out too, with you only being able to cite 3 examples over 7 years (talking about just you here). Yet you let those 3 examples, 3 posters out of the hundreds keep you away.

Worse, you then repeatedly say that the SN boards as a whole are mean and unwelcoming. In doing so, you denigrate the advice and support given by those hundreds. the hundreds who have not flamed you, who haven't been mean and nasty to you. the ones who will answer the same questions again and again. the ones who will take the time to research something to help someone else. the ones who often have someone else's query ticking over in their minds for days at a time and then post to say ' I saw htis and thought of you' or'it occurred to me that...'

others have said this before on this thread. the SN community here is what you make it. spending time talking about a place you feel you can't go reading threads from a place you feel you can't contribute to, and then ripping them apart on other forums is just a big old waste of time, surely?

Last encounter (which wasn't on SN boards but involved posters there so didn't count in 3 incidences) was last autumn.

A little bit? understatement!

Stuff that I have discussed in the past which was similar in content [if you dont do this, you are letting your child down] to last nights.

Ive not been personally affected by previous judginess, but I have noticed it and said something at the time.

Sorry, I can't link to any threads as I have no idea of the thread names or even the posters concerned. Much of it was a while back.

Oh yeah I do it for kicks eye roll needed

Why are you trying to discredit what the OP's saying by making out she's just doing it for the drama zzzzz?

If that's the case are you just posting on her thread for the drama?

Your posts don't GO anywhere.

They don't make the OP feel better.

You've just made her lonely shit day that little bit worse.

I'm sure she's thrilled.