There's a real problem on the SN boards

[GobbySadcase]

For a long time now I've been really saddened that I've not been able to post on the SN boards.

I took a brief foray into there when I was a newb years and years ago now and got my head bitten off because I have my own way of doing things with my children. I thought it would be a supportive, empathetic, inclusive place to be.

It happened at a time I was particularly fragile, so I retreated to the main boards thinking it was just me.

Having got to know some other parents who also have children with disabilities I discovered this was not the case. At least five others have left for the exact same reason.

Tonight I responded to a post which stated that I was somehow failing my children. The thread had been moved from a main board, I repeat I do not routinely go to the SN board due to the way posters have behaved to me there on three occasions now. In return I got a personal attack. Someone else backed me, they got further personal attacks.

Neither me or the others who have been attacked retaliated. We stated our views calmly and logically and got MEGA CAPITALS in return.

It seems to be becoming more and more nasty and confrontational on there as time goes on. My concern is that a parent undergoing the diagnostic process or with a newly diagnosed child is vulnerable, and as even saying you want to explore all options is a heinous crime on there may get attacked at a time that really isn't good for them.

I even specifically tell parents I know in RL not to go there, and why.

Thing is, what can be done?

Im not being pedantic and I have no bone to pick with you either, Im just responding.

I said that people used a posters good posts to excuse the bad ones. You said you have never seen that. I asked if you'd seen that thread, because it was a fine example and usually people saying 'ive never seen that' is a way of saying 'it doesnt happen'

It did happen last night and it is a problem, because it means some posters have a free pass to be an arse.

Of course people can report posts and if found to be against T&Cs for personal attacks etc, they will be deleted, which the ones in question last night were yet the posts were still defended by some, so it isn't just a matter of reporting personal attacks etc.

Personal attacks are one thing, people falling over themselves to defend posters who make personal attacks is another and that is the problem.

I think AgentZigzag is right. There are 4 boards on mumsnet which are as she describes.
It is a shame.
Trouble is, it is difficult for mumsnet headquarters to spot. Let alone do anything much about.

Amber - I saw no MNSN regulars wade in to "support" the poster you are referring to.

Gobby - I never saw any snide opinions in the post that lit your fuse.

has anyone defended a poster who has made a personal attack? specifically?

In all honesty I haven't been using the board that long but I've never seen anything like last night . Maybe a hide poster button would work and I'm definitely a put dd on a school minibus one not a gate one

I asked if you'd seen that thread, because it was a fine example and usually people saying 'ive never seen that' is a way of saying 'it doesnt happen'

Please don't read more into what I've said. I said I've never seen that. It meant.... I've never seen that. If I'd meant "it doesn't happen," then I would have SAID "it doesn't happen."

I don't think any posters have a "free pass to be an arse." If someone is making a personal attack, report. If someone is defending a personal attack, report. I personally don't keep score on who does "good posts" and "bad posts" so it's all a bit too "spreadsheet-y" to me.

I'm simply concerned because I think this is being made out to be this huge conspiracy thing, when the OP (and others) have repeatedly said it's not the whole board, it's certain posters. So again I will say "report those posters" and then MNHQ can deal with them.

I fail to see the necessity of going around in circles on this, so I'm out.

I was a very regular user of mnsn years ago, it was the SN boards that drew me into mn.

Then there was a huge publicity thing with a certain SN regular and the SN boards got infested with trolls and I was badly burned by a few of them and felt my sanctuary was no longer safe so sought solace elsewhere.

When I did try and post a few things on SN board, I was met with some discrepancy, a couple of refuser posters shouted me down when I gave my opinion on what ABA was and was told I should have done it with my child, I failed him by not doing it, random crap.

Now I might dip my toe in once in a blue moon but really don't want to give advice in fear of being told my views are wrong.

I think I am perhaps one of the posters Gobby is referring to in her first post.

I just want tolerance and inclusion. Not to have my views shot down in flames, like Gin. Fair enough if an opinion is asked for but when someone says "no, that didn't work" don't then turn round and say that's their fault!

I apologise if MothratheMighty feels I'm singling her out, but her post really sticks in my mind NewBlue.

It acknowledges that there is a poster on the SN board who doesn't come across well if you don't know that she's got another side to her doing all these great things elsewhere.

It justifies the poster and basically says she can say/do as she likes because the regulars there accept her as she is.

But what about the other posters who need occasional support?

Why should the OP have to scrabble around for the energy to start reporting someone giving her grief? She's in a vulnerable position anyway.

zzzzz the posts with the personal attacks have been deleted, so it won't give you the full picture.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/1995859-To-think-it-is-ridiculous-there-is-no-help-for-us?

I can't speak for Gobby, but IMO, it's because this minority issue has a big impact on the whole board, if it puts people off from using it at all, then its a whole board issue.

If someone really cared about the board so much then why don't they come and post there and make it a better place, the kind of place you want it to be. If you see something you don't like, then report it. What is the point of this thread?

And it really is not a whole board issue. If you don't like one posters advice then feel free to ignore it.

Because Prof there's only so much battering you can take.

and I have asked posters to tone it down under a different name if I felt there tone was not right for the occassion.

If you don't like one posters advice then feel free to ignore it

It isn't the advice that is the issue, it is the personal attacks and empathy lacking judginess.

Should that be simply ignored too? It isn't just words on a screen, words can hurt, they can make people who struggle as it is feel even worse.

Gin I've mentioned up thread Aba isn't for me or my family but I've had great support and friendship . If I see a threAd referring to it I ignore it .

Thread in question, zzzzz

I'm bemused by this idea that, somewhere, there are a group of posters who discuss their abuse by the MNSNers. Where do you talk? PMs? Secret forums?

All I see on there is exhausted, harassed parents of children with SN, who are at some point on that metaphorical 'journey' , giving their last remaining energy to strangers on the internet to encourage them on their metaphorical 'journey' because they know how flipping tough it is.

Yet, there are people who claim to be the outcasts, who claim to be misunderstood, who claim to be unable to dare even to post on a thread like this. I can virtually guarantee you that if those people listed their former MNSN names and you searched their former MNSN posts, they would all be people who took support from the board and rarely, if ever, offered it in return. They said they were 'too worn down' to help other people. They were 'too exhausted by their own issues' to help other people.

I could name you at least 12 posters, without searching, who have enough crap going on in their lives to fill a sewer, yet still without fail will support and encourage new posters, old posters, ABAers, TEACCHers, HEers, people who know loads and people who know nothing.

Maybe we're not all fluffy. Frankly, after attending DD1's annual review, receiving a SALT report for DD2 which will further distance her from the support she needs, forgetting to attend DD2 & DD3's school for a 'see your child's work' session, dealing with DD2's meltdown over Euro week and DD1's meltdown over pretty much everything, I haven't got much fluff left in me.

But, if you want to know how to do something, where to find something, what you can do, I'm able to do that. I leave the fluff to other people who can.

I find it truly insulting that on a forum that is (in the main part) anonymous, posters can fling accusations around from behind their mates. In fact, it's like a sophisticated form of sock puppetry and should be banned.

By the way - I have 40 mates who feel they can't post on this thread in case the bullies get them, but think that the MNSN board rocks, so well done to all the MNSNers

you know, I could go on and on about how often I have been told that the interventions I use with my children don't work.

becasue I have.

again and again.

and it has been pointed out time and again, when I mention those interventions, that htey are crap, hopeless, a waste of time and money.

but again, each to their own. I carry on doing what I am doing. and I keep mentioning it. someof it is more "accepted" than other bits. but I mention it all, if I feel it is relevant.

yes, I too think that more tolerance is needed sometimes, from some quarters. but then SN is not a one-size fits all place, is it?

it is ok to agree to disagree - somethign I have done a few times over the years.

Oh I offer support. Just not on the SN board.