There's a real problem on the SN boards

[GobbySadcase]

For a long time now I've been really saddened that I've not been able to post on the SN boards.

I took a brief foray into there when I was a newb years and years ago now and got my head bitten off because I have my own way of doing things with my children. I thought it would be a supportive, empathetic, inclusive place to be.

It happened at a time I was particularly fragile, so I retreated to the main boards thinking it was just me.

Having got to know some other parents who also have children with disabilities I discovered this was not the case. At least five others have left for the exact same reason.

Tonight I responded to a post which stated that I was somehow failing my children. The thread had been moved from a main board, I repeat I do not routinely go to the SN board due to the way posters have behaved to me there on three occasions now. In return I got a personal attack. Someone else backed me, they got further personal attacks.

Neither me or the others who have been attacked retaliated. We stated our views calmly and logically and got MEGA CAPITALS in return.

It seems to be becoming more and more nasty and confrontational on there as time goes on. My concern is that a parent undergoing the diagnostic process or with a newly diagnosed child is vulnerable, and as even saying you want to explore all options is a heinous crime on there may get attacked at a time that really isn't good for them.

I even specifically tell parents I know in RL not to go there, and why.

Thing is, what can be done?

I haven't been on the SN boards or seen the thread, but it sounds a very similar situation to what's happened on the relationship board, in the dog house and the feminist section in the past.

There does seem to be a gelling of posters with unwritten rules on what goes/what doesn't, and like the OP says if your face/opinions don't fit you'll get short shrift.

Why describe the OPs thread as 'tattling' ouryve?

I would have thought posting it in site stuff would be the right place if the OP thought there was an overall problem in one area of MN, she's not grassing the posters on the SN boards up to the teacher because we're adults and not at school any more.

Hope you find some support somewhere OP (the supportive posts on here are a good start)

I turned to mumsnet too when my DD was diagnosed with various things and didn't feel welcome at all on the SN section. My first post had no replies on there but other threads were having plenty of support. I always feel it's very 'clicky' school gates mums and hardly visit there anymore! :( I must say I did have lots of support from the tinsley house thread before DD visited, thank you to the poster for making me feel welcome.

It might seem I spend my life wallowing. I don't by the way. If I did I wouldn't have got two statutory assessments successfully through, two kids in appropriate provision and working on secondary provision for the third with hopefully a statement.

They wouldn't be attending several therapies a week that I had to source elsewhere due to funding cuts.

But I want to be able to say that actually I have form fatigue. After 2 DLA forms, statutory assessment and bedroom tax battles in the last 12 months I can't face filling in a CEA card form, and not be told I should just get on with it.

I'm actually a lot more moany online than I am in RL. I spend my RL putting a brave face on for the most part then fall apart in my down time. Here.

Yes, this has been discussed before. I was always of the opinion that you can take what you want/need from the board and put in what you can. There are many posters on there and views will be different.

Ive always agreed that there were some posters who would berate others because they chose different paths. It has been disputed, but on past threads examples have been quoted. 'failing your child' is not a new phrase.

I have read loads on the board and much of it has contained excellent advice. Really helpful stuff.

I'm not a massive poster on there, because TBH, there are other posters who have far better things to say than me.

Everyone has a different posting 'style', but being a poster who gives good advice, does not mean, or at least shouldn't mean, that you have a free pass to post offensively, insult people and post character assassinations on other posters, just because they dared to challenge something you wrote.

To bring this up as an issue as Gobby has done, isn't saying that everyone on that board is awful, it is saying that some people who post there make people feel like shit and put people off using the board, people who really need the support and advice that is on there.

People saying that that is not their experience doesn't negate the experiences of others.

Ive always felt able to take it or leave it, but what I saw last night, has changed my opinion drastically. I can now understand why some feel it is not a welcoming place, even if the horribleness only comes from a small minority.

I'm a bit of a newbie (maybe a year?) to the SN board with a 2YO DD with CP. The board has been of immense support to me and has had direct positive, practical impact on our lives. I post occasionally, but I lurk every day. I really don't recognise your issue with the SN board, but I am sorry that you feel that way, as I have had a polar opposite experience.

To bring this up as an issue as Gobby has done, isn't saying that everyone on that board is awful, it is saying that some people who post there make people feel like shit and put people off using the board, people who really need the support and advice that is on there.

And again, then why this thread? Why the implication that it is the whole board of posters?

A number of us have said this: If the OP (and anyone else) is having particular issues with either a poster or a post, then report it. That is what the "report" link is for. I do not understand why this has become such a huge issue here. In every other section of the boards, if you have a problem with a poster or a post, you report it. Why should the SN boards be any different??

AgentZigzag - it's tattling because Gobby has come over to site stuff to tell MNHQ what she thinks of the entire board because of her brushes with 3 people in 7 years. It's the MN equivalent of a 7 year old whining "Muuuum, he's looking at me."

Agreeing with Royal that the correct course of action if someone makes a personal attack is to report it. The same goes for all those who are apparently too scared to make themselves known, here. Running to MNHQ and complaining about the bard as a whole is just ridiculous, really.

One thing I feel about the special needs board is that it has been a great way to educate myself about disabilities other than the one I am directly affected by. Also there was a thread the formula feeding linked to autism one where I was genuinely touched by posters such as polter and ouryve and Hazey

And again, then why this thread? Why the implication that it is the whole board of posters?

I can't speak for Gobby, but IMO, it's because this minority issue has a big impact on the whole board, if it puts people off from using it at all, then its a whole board issue.

If posters choose, because of a posters good posts, to then defend the bad ones, then it isn't just about one person saying shitty things, its an attitude that giving good advice means its ok to be an arse.

It really, really isn't.

That IMO is the problem.

it's tattling because Gobby has come over to site stuff to tell MNHQ what she thinks of the entire board because of her brushes with 3 people in 7 years. It's the MN equivalent of a 7 year old whining "Muuuum, he's looking at me

Do you realise how nasty that sounds?

No, it's not a whole board issue. It's an individual poster issue. Report those that you have a problem with. It's how MN works throughout all the boards.

I've never seen anyone on the SN boards "support" someone saying shitty things to another poster.

I've never seen anyone on the SN boards "support" someone saying shitty things to another poster

Did you see the thread last night?

AmberLeaf I really don't have any personal bone to pick with you, so please let's not get pedantic. I said I've not seen anything like that. I'm tired and not really in the mood to get into the "read this and tell me then what you think" kind of argument tonight.

Suffice it to say that if there are posters that are posting things that are questionable, then we have the option to report it. Enough reports and the poster will get warned or banned. It's not rocket science, and it works pretty well. Utilise it. That's what it's there for.

If you felt someone was behaving horrible, then report the posts. MNHQ will deal with it. I honestly can't for the life of me figure out how this is a "whole board" issue.

Ouyve actually it was to take how I felt away from last nights thread, this is now not on someone else's unrelated thread.

You stick to the 3 times in 7 years when I've clearly stated it's not just about that. You've accused me of whining, frothing and repeatedly bringing up this topic - when none of these things are true.

Making assumptions, going on the attack, all things that me and others have encountered on the SN board.

You can't report someone giving a snide 'opinion' about another's parenting, even if you know full well it's aimed at you when it's not addressed as a personal attack. Tactic used all over the whole forum.

I don't venture onto those boards but I have seen Gobby around on other threads and have always found her to be lovely. Surely if she and others are saying they feel attacked, even if it is not many of them, it is worth people looking to see if they could be more supportive or welcoming to all.

Gobby Please don't take things too personally. We've all felt undeservedly savaged on here at times.

Bullies? Mean girls?

I have to say the past year I have spent on the MNSN boards have been my lifesaver.

I cannot thank the ladies and gents there enough for all the support they've given me.

I see what you're saying ouryve, but it was only 3 people in 7 years for her, but this thread has shown she's not alone, which is the reason why lots of posters post on/start threads, to see if there are other people out there who feel the same.

It might only be one poster on the SN board who can be missed if you're not a regular or their 'bracing manner' justified if you are, but it definitely influences the flow of what people feel they can say.

It doesn't mean the specific poster isn't a great person and amazingly supportive, I like the posters who had similar accusations leveled at them in relationships and the dog house, but it has to be for everyone, and if even some of the posters are saying it isn't it has to be taken seriously doesn't it?

OK, that might seem harsh, Amber, but I wouldn't have made that comment if Gobby had been clear about what she hopes to achieve. But no, she seems to be persisting in stating how horrible and wrong the SN boards are, without clarifying what sort of resolution would make her feel better, or even that she doesn't expect a resolution. You could actually say that this is a TAAT, which is frowned on, anyhow.

The post describing MNSN as school gate mums is hardly kind, either. Many of us are probably the antithesis of school gate mums, either waiting for our children to be dropped off by various taxis or doing a direct handover, away from the school gate. Many even home educate because school hasn't worked for their DCs at all. All situations are quite isolating.

IME, though, the people who have flounced the most vociferously from MNSN have somehow managed to be downright rude, with it. It wears a bit thin.