There's a real problem on the SN boards

[GobbySadcase]

For a long time now I've been really saddened that I've not been able to post on the SN boards.

I took a brief foray into there when I was a newb years and years ago now and got my head bitten off because I have my own way of doing things with my children. I thought it would be a supportive, empathetic, inclusive place to be.

It happened at a time I was particularly fragile, so I retreated to the main boards thinking it was just me.

Having got to know some other parents who also have children with disabilities I discovered this was not the case. At least five others have left for the exact same reason.

Tonight I responded to a post which stated that I was somehow failing my children. The thread had been moved from a main board, I repeat I do not routinely go to the SN board due to the way posters have behaved to me there on three occasions now. In return I got a personal attack. Someone else backed me, they got further personal attacks.

Neither me or the others who have been attacked retaliated. We stated our views calmly and logically and got MEGA CAPITALS in return.

It seems to be becoming more and more nasty and confrontational on there as time goes on. My concern is that a parent undergoing the diagnostic process or with a newly diagnosed child is vulnerable, and as even saying you want to explore all options is a heinous crime on there may get attacked at a time that really isn't good for them.

I even specifically tell parents I know in RL not to go there, and why.

Thing is, what can be done?

It' rules all our lives. I just wish the education board gave a monkeys about the kids rather then the statistics.

I think it's also important to remember that we all tend to go through lulls in posting. After a troll incident, when we're tired or stressed and just can't deal with anything extra, or simply when we're just too busy fighting our own RL battles to get online much. I imagine a combination of that and too many areas in which people can post can contribute to a post being missed.

I honestly don't go anywhere but the children topic and the chat topic in SNs. So if the post is elsewhere, I most likely will not see it.

Blimey, sorry for typos. Am on phone. If you need a translation, do ask

Actually I think bitchy is right. The main reason I stopped posting in SN was because my posts no longer got responses. I thought it was because the make up of the board has changed (more AS/HFA less non-verbal) or age (son is now a teen) but maybe it's because I was no longer seen as part of the board.

I stopped reading after the MMR thread but lack of response stopped me posting before then.

And lack of respinse was noticeable to me because I used to get loads of responses! That's why I used to post there.

Admittedly I used to post more - so put more in, but idob't have time to post daily anymore

I think a lot of times people don't answer if they simply don't have anything helpful to offer IYSWIM. I might read a thread regarding a teenager, out of interest for future use when DS1 is a teenager (you know, things to come and all that), but I most likely wouldn't answer as I wouldn't know what to say.

Saintly - I do find that there's more people I can relate to regarding DS1 (ASD/ADHD extremely bright, anxious, demand avoidant and prone to frequent meltdowns and rages) than DS2 (ASD, non-verbal and, at 7, functioning at the level of 24-36 months). If I have a problem to solve with him, I tend to have to give a lot more background and what comes back tends to be a lot more ideas of something to try, rather than a tried and tested approach. There are many books out there that directly inspire me to help DS1 with his difficulties in quite specific ways. I've had to make it up as I go along with DS2. There are no books. Only expensive consultants and training courses.

My road with DS2 is much less well travelled than the one with DS1, it seems.

I think all the sub-sections causes a lot of problems for post going unnoticed. I use the sub-sections very infrequently and get really annoyed with myself if there's something in there which I could have helped - but have spotted it weeks later. But I just don't have time - and alot of my mumsnetting is done on my phone - and some of the links from the subsections just don't work and navigating is a pain on the phone.

Another problem by the very nature of SN is that sometimes a long, considered response is needed. My posts are renowned for being the length of essays Some posts, by their very nature, can't be replied to instantly but have to be thought about. There's many a post I've written but not posted because someone else got there first.

I also don't think it a newbie problem. As I said upthread, I was welcomed by all when I first posted, and had not posted my back story. I was at rock bottom. I remember the first reply to one of my posts was "I understand. I'm sorry". Her post made me break down for the first time ever about my DS because someone had finally reached out to me and said "I'm sorry".

MNSN is what the individual posters make it. I personally find it a safe haven in a chaotic world of laws routinely being broken and vulnerable children denied support.

I know it's not what you meant saintly, but as an aside, I loved the stories about your boy, the love and the completely surreal touches mirrored my own experiences with my boy and made me smile and feel positive.
Even though they are very different people, I felt a shared sense of living on the other side of the looking glass to most people.
You supported me in an entirely inexpected way.

The SN boards were a Godsend for me a few years ago, when we were going through trying to get a diagnosis and a Statement for our DS.

It was THE place I came to for support, information, pointers on my rights etc. There are some hugely knowledgeable regular posters and it was a terrific resource.

I havent popped in for a long time, but my experience was always tremendously positive.

Aww mothra - what a lovely thing to say. I'm so proud of him, he's growing up to be a fine young man :) He cracked me up today - insisted on Joseph & his amazing technicoloured dreamcoat going on in the car then danced his way home & even joined in with singing along to the tune. He loves & enjoys life. He's recently started riding with school & I had to have words with him as he kept trying to make the RDA ponies go faster - they don't do fast.

I don't know that it's being at the severe end of the spectrum that's the issue - I used to get lots of replies.

I've found that over he las few years the boards are a lot more about statementing and education than home life and brainstorming life stuff - eg I remer many many years ago posting about dd1 and her refusal to drink. Again, nothing that the books can help you with as basic hydration is assumed and she was refusing all fluids. For a looooong time.

I got loads of replies with some off-the-wall ideas.

I'm not sure I see many if those type of problem solving posts anymore, te type that really needs and shows up the community side of things. But then I'm not around as much as I used to be so maybe I miss them

But to me, that's one way the boards have changed, and might be why your posts were less answered, saintly?

Blimey, sorry for typos. Am on phone. If you need a translation, do ask

I did wonder

Amber, there is no problem with calling someone on their posting style or content on SN, generally. Surely you can see that the reaction you got from one poster on the one thread that has been an issue in the past 6 months are linked

You may be able to challenge a post and the challenge be accepted sometimes, but if you get such an extreme reaction to a challenge, it can make it feel like not everything can be challenged. Which is a problem for me.

Not sure what you mean by your last part.

There isn't a problem (from my experience) in calling people on their posts generally

But it doesn't have to be generally to put people off.

You say 'I did this and see what happened'. Yes, I do see. I see that the one poster who was irritated and lashing out continued to do so. And I see ;from Rowan's post above) that the posts wet reported, and according to MNHQ the matter has been dealt with off board

I can understand that someone when having a hard time/bad day, may react in that way. But this isn't just about wets posts. It is also about the way me and others have been called unfair etc by other posters, the way that it has been twisted by some to paint us as the 'bad guys' when all we did was call someone on something they said and not in a rude way either. A few people have said that people should call someone on a post, but it doesn't always work out well. That is the point I personally would like to see acknowledged.

What more do you want, in relation to that specific event? You have had a whole host of regular posters sing t was out of order. And saying it is not a rear occurance. You have ha exam actions as to why that one poster might have been snappy. And he poster has been spoken to. Short of a public flaming (arguably happening anyway) what more should be done

Even though I still think the opinion expressed which kicked it all off was offensive and not related to that person having a hard time, as far as what happened, I don't want anything more. A posters is entitled to their opinions. What I would like, is for people challenging such opinions, not to face what we have faced this last few days. We have also been flamed. I don't think that was fair.

Making out that this is a regular thing, with no regular poster on SN able to be challenged at all, and one party line etc is just not on at all

I have never said that. My point is, if challenging a particular poster brings about a reaction such as this, then it makes it look like calling someone on a post, depends on who is being called and who is doing the calling. That puts people off. Acknowledging that this does happen would be a start.

That's when I sort of backed off NBC, neither of mine have statements or additional LDs.
All I had was a selection of weird stories and off the wall suggestions and they seemed to become increasingly irelevant. Which was fine, boards evolve.
Friends and I tened to shove off to FB and swap support and narratives there.

It has been acknowledged. All through the thread.

And no, I don't see that it would put people off. Put people off engaging with that poster, yes. Put people off the thread where the bun fight is, yes.

But I would fin t extraordinary if people were out off whole sections, or a whole forum because of how one poster reacts on one thread.

I don't think you have been flamed. Not for saying you don't like wets opinion, or that you think her posts on that tread were out if order.

The only bit posters have taken issue with is the generalisation across MNSN. which you will say hasn't occurred, but in my opinion and reading of your (and others') posts, it has.

I get that you're after an acknowledgement. But we can't acknowledge something that we genuinely haven't seen happen, whether or not that's down to perception or what have you.

I think the best thing to do at this point is simply to draw a line under it, get the set up in the board improved, and again - if you are looking to shift the feel of the board in any way, then be a positive presence on the board and shift it that way - by posting and being there.

I miss the support and narrative, Mothra. Dd1 is all sorted, educationally. And we haven't run a home programme for so long that I'm out of touch.

I need the off the wall ideas, sometimes, not the nuts and bolts.

I still threads about those kinds of things, but they're more likely to be in chat, or sometimes embedded in the pub thread as an aside while chatting.

I still see threads ... (sorry, typo)