There's a real problem on the SN boards

[GobbySadcase]

For a long time now I've been really saddened that I've not been able to post on the SN boards.

I took a brief foray into there when I was a newb years and years ago now and got my head bitten off because I have my own way of doing things with my children. I thought it would be a supportive, empathetic, inclusive place to be.

It happened at a time I was particularly fragile, so I retreated to the main boards thinking it was just me.

Having got to know some other parents who also have children with disabilities I discovered this was not the case. At least five others have left for the exact same reason.

Tonight I responded to a post which stated that I was somehow failing my children. The thread had been moved from a main board, I repeat I do not routinely go to the SN board due to the way posters have behaved to me there on three occasions now. In return I got a personal attack. Someone else backed me, they got further personal attacks.

Neither me or the others who have been attacked retaliated. We stated our views calmly and logically and got MEGA CAPITALS in return.

It seems to be becoming more and more nasty and confrontational on there as time goes on. My concern is that a parent undergoing the diagnostic process or with a newly diagnosed child is vulnerable, and as even saying you want to explore all options is a heinous crime on there may get attacked at a time that really isn't good for them.

I even specifically tell parents I know in RL not to go there, and why.

Thing is, what can be done?

No, but there's a tone to a board. AIBU, for example is known to have a certain tone and people posting there may behave differently than if they post elsewhere.

I would expect posters on SN to recognise that every set if circumstances is individual - and to be picked up on it if they forget.

'It isn't the "SN board" that recognises or doesn't recognise anothers situation it is an individual poster on a single thread.'

But wetaugust wasn't on Pag's thread.
It's a problem that crops up with different individuals at different times on different SN subjects under discussion. Respect for others who are not there to troll, but who have different, equally strong opinions.
An ability to stop and walk away if you realise that you are in a deadlock.

I live in a house with two Aspies and a partner who ticks all the boxes. This is something that they struggle with, so it is a situation that many of us must also be familiar with. People are different.

I wasn't mud slinging - was talking about experiences of posting on there.

Thread isn't actually about WA although her responses triggered the composition of this thread.

The biggest problem for me is that nobody on those boards sees that there is a problem even when several people says there is.

They try to invalidate other people's feelings by spinning, criticising and twisting facts, precisely what happens on the actual boards in mine and several other people's experiences.

I'm not sharing links because of past events from outside of mn which mean I don't want this name linked with my old ones.

But is it so hard to just extend a little kindness and if you feel an abrasive comment coming on just not post?

I'm not mud slinging.

Actually the suggestion that anyone questioning tone is mud slinging is probably part of the problem isn't it?

Can you see though, that coming along to start a thread about a sub-section of MN which aims to support posters whose life involves caring for someone with SN, and telling them that they're not doing it well enough, is upsetting?

Especially upsetting when you refer to threads which may or may not be deleted, in vague terms. You give the notion that there are 'several' posters lurking in the wings, telling you of their dissatisfaction with MNSN. So implying that we are being talked about.

You talk of posters anonymously and then you yourselves have, in some cases, changed your name. So we can't, for instance, say 'hold on....on that thread x said this and actually it was like that....' because there is nothing to defend ourselves against other than this vague notion that we were not.what.you.wanted.

I've never seen this type of discussion about any other board. On FWR/The Doghouse, posters were discussed openly and threads linked to specifically to justify claims.

This notion that because we all have children with SN, we are a cohesive 'collective' when in fact we are all individuals with different lives and different views, is also quite insulting.

we are a cohesive 'collective' when in fact we are all individuals with different lives and different views, is also quite insulting

Was that in response to my post lougle?

No, TOWIE2014 - it was a response to the general theme of this thread, which criticises MNSN as a whole, implying that there is a 'party line'.

The thing is, for one to be a feminist, there are certain 'non-negotiable' values that a person must hold. There are certainly variations within it, but every feminist has to hold women in high regard, or they can't call themselves feminist.

To be a parent/carer of a child with SN, all you have to do is look after a child with SN. There is no other qualifying value that you must hold, nor a certain way you must view things. We are part of that club because of circumstance, not because of our beliefs.

The biggest problem for me is that nobody on those boards sees that there is a problem even when several people says there is.

They try to invalidate other people's feelings by spinning, criticising and twisting facts, precisely what happens on the actual boards in mine and several other people's experiences.

Look, this will go round and round for ages. You're saying you see a problem. Some are agreeing with you. Some are saying they don't see a problem, and others are agreeing with them.

This is a perception issue IMO.

Realistically speaking, you cannot just pop into a board occasionally and then complain you don't like the way people post based on a random sampling here and there.

If you don't think the board has a good vibe, then by all means, stick around and post on it regularly and improve that vibe. Steer the board in the direction you would like it to go.

But to stand back, not get involved by regular posting, and sniff at it's current status is not helpful and only serves to upset everyone.

If you don't like it, get involved and fix it. If you're not willing to step in and help it become better in whatever way you feel it needs to, then I don't see where you have much cause for complaint.

If you don't think the board has a good vibe, then by all means, stick around and post on it regularly and improve that vibe. Steer the board in the direction you would like it to go

People keep saying this, but you all must be spectacularly missing the point, that many people from various angles have tried to make.

I guess I am. Because it sounds to me like you want it fixed but are not willing to put any work into helping it improve yourself. How precisely will it "improve it's tone" without guidance from those who have the vision of the "tone" that they want?

Sorry, but this is right up the same alley of those who don't vote complaining about the politicians that are voted in.

If you want it to improve, join the rest of us in the trenches and work at it.

I'm truly tired of wasting energy on this. I don't have a beef with anyone in particular, but I'll say this - I'm not horribly keen about the general tone of this thread either. But I tried to be open and say look I don't see it, but am happy to be shown if you have examples, but no examples forthcoming. So I say then join the board and post more frequently and steer it in the direction you want it to be, but you're not happy with that either.

As you're not proposing any viable solutions and you're not happy with any of the solutions others have proposed, I can only come to the conclusion that you are simply not interested in any type of compromise or willing to work with those of us that have tried to discuss this rationally.

Waste. Of. Time.

Ive said already on this thread, people mentioned challenging things when you see them, that is what I did the other night and look at the outcome. Clearly, that is not an option, which is half the problem.

A very simple solution, is to think before posting.

As for post more frequently, if the issue is people being put off posting, how is that a solution?

People have given examples. You [collective you] just don't want to acknowledge them.

Funnily enough, cunt is what I was called because I said I thought someones post was a bit off.

The thread the other night isn't the issue as such, the issue is the reaction to people calling someone on an off post. That is the problem and that is why some people feel like there is no point attempting to change things.

Also the fact that you have to have been posting regularly to get proper detailed advice i have said that i reckon this is a result of past trolling events But if you need advice in a hurry which is often the case with SN issues you don't have time to wait to hang about to build up a reputation and learn the layout/where to post which is high traffic. In order to get advice. I have on many occassions tried the SN section as I know there is good advice BUT due to my experiences I don't bother any more. It is pointless. I am glad others manage to find support but for me posting on SN board would be the stress that pushed me over the edge You can deny it as much as it is on your experience but this is mine and if you deny it then really you are part of the problem!!!!!!!! I have been very careful to try to avoid any personal criticisms of the poster population in general on SN as there are other issues BUT to deny there is a problem is like being a parent in a school where someone else's child is being bullied and declaring that there is no bullying in the school because you have not esperienced it. It does not mean that it is not happening just that you are lucky enough to have not experienced it

So can we go back to fixing a small fixable part and make the subtopic bit easier? In response to HQ could you leave the subsections but Locked them so old threads are accessible but it is not possible to post on the threads/create new ones in those sections?

X-posted Poulter The layout so that people don't get ignored is a good start. feeling like youy are being ignore when you are in need of support and advice is one of the worse feelings.

"Also the fact that you have to have been posting regularly to get proper detailed advice..."

I don't think this is true at all.

I think that if you give vague notions of a child with SN in a situation which is also vague and don't want to go into details to protect your anonymity, it can leave posters a bit as to how to answer.

For instance:

DD1 has a rare brain malformation. Any ideas on how to get her to jump?

I would get a fat 0 posts. People would immediately think 'I have no experience of rare brain malformations....'

Someone says:

'My DD can't cope if there's no routine...'

Lots of responses.

But in my experience I have gone looking advice about aspergers and I have got none or virtually no responses in the past. this is clearly a topic that there is knowledge. So don't just assume it is as simple as topic that is putting people off

I do think the topic is not helped by having to know where to post to get a response. And i suspect that perhaps that this might have been part of the issue, also I know posters were hit very hard after trolling and the fact that I regularly name change and lurk more then posting means that I am not known and appear new doesn't help me. Because it is the same on other boards across mn. I have no bad feeling on this but it is my experience of the topic. Someone telling me my experience is invalid because it has not been theirs will always make me have more feelings on the topic then i would otherwise. However, focusing on arguing on whether or not it is happening and talking it very personally is not going to fix anything so imo it would be better to address some of the underlying issues and imho i do think sorting the subsections would be the easiest to do.

Amber, there is no problem with calling someone on their posting style or content on SN, generally. Surely you can see that the reaction you got from one poster on the one bread that has been an issue in the past 6 months are linked?

There isn't a problem (from my experience) in calling people on their posts generally.

You say 'I did this and see what happened'. Yes, I do see. I see that the one poster who was irritated and lashing out continued to do so. And I see ;from Rowan's post above) that the posts wet reported, and according to MNHQ the matter has been dealt with off board.

What more do you want, in relation to that specific event? You have had a whole host of regular posters sing t was out of order. And saying it is not a rear occurance. You have ha exam actions as to why that one poster might have been snappy. And he poster has been spoken to. Short of a public flaming (arguably happening anyway) what more should be done?

Making out that this is a regular thing, with no regular poster on SN able to be challenged at all, and one party line etc is just not on at all.