There's a real problem on the SN boards

[GobbySadcase]

For a long time now I've been really saddened that I've not been able to post on the SN boards.

I took a brief foray into there when I was a newb years and years ago now and got my head bitten off because I have my own way of doing things with my children. I thought it would be a supportive, empathetic, inclusive place to be.

It happened at a time I was particularly fragile, so I retreated to the main boards thinking it was just me.

Having got to know some other parents who also have children with disabilities I discovered this was not the case. At least five others have left for the exact same reason.

Tonight I responded to a post which stated that I was somehow failing my children. The thread had been moved from a main board, I repeat I do not routinely go to the SN board due to the way posters have behaved to me there on three occasions now. In return I got a personal attack. Someone else backed me, they got further personal attacks.

Neither me or the others who have been attacked retaliated. We stated our views calmly and logically and got MEGA CAPITALS in return.

It seems to be becoming more and more nasty and confrontational on there as time goes on. My concern is that a parent undergoing the diagnostic process or with a newly diagnosed child is vulnerable, and as even saying you want to explore all options is a heinous crime on there may get attacked at a time that really isn't good for them.

I even specifically tell parents I know in RL not to go there, and why.

Thing is, what can be done?

AgentZigzag - reread the OP. specifically the first 4 paras. IT says exactly that.

I'm sorry I misunderstood you then Polter.

I'm not sure what you men by oddness to be honest. It just appeared in active convos, I read it and was pretty shocked by the tone so I posted.
It was not typical of the tone on SN I am quite sure.

It was just eye opening to me a I suddenly saw the SN section through different eyes and I was concerned that parents I had recommended come here would receive equally hostile treatment.

I've said several times, the SN board is fab. I think it's insularity is just both a blessing and a curse.

The 'support thread' bit is a good point.

I view the SN section as a place where everyone respects each other as a parent in similar circumstances. I have always treated it so as I assumed that was its function.

If some sections are not meant to be a place where people interact with more care than perhaps they would on the main board then maybe that should be made more obvious?

I think it's the old "If you're not with us, you're against us" mindset tbh

^ I agree with this.

But the discussion wasn't being held robustly. I am happy with robust.
It was dismissive and mocking even when it was obviously an issue that directly affected my child.

I remained polite and yet the rudeness continued, the only interventions by current regular members was to explain why I shouldn't expect any different treatment, which wasn't brilliant really.

Look, I'm posting on here repeatedly saying that I think the boards are generally brilliant, that the 'problem' is one arising from the best of motives but that it would be helpful to consider new posters, posters with a view against the run of the thread because everyone visiting that board is likely to be vulnerable.

If it is impossible to contemplate that anything needs to be thought about or reviewed, even if posters should just reflect upon how that may feel t a vulnerable newbies, then I think that that is actually more of a problem than the thread suggests.

'AgentZigzag - reread the OP. specifically the first 4 paras. IT says exactly that.'

Yes yes, but I meant apart from the OP

Tbh that's actually how I see the thread, I don't agree with everything the OP's said, but she does have a point about the general way a forum can play out over time.

I don't think anyone's backed up her view that a couple of forays onto the board would show that everyone's like that there. It's more that some people have been influenced by the fact that if they do tackle prickly posters when they come across them the other regulars can take them to task for it, and the reasons they use to excuse it are a bit dodgy.

I have had some good advice on the SN board but I do also feel it has become almost cliquey in some ways and I must admit if I have a different view I don't always post as I can sense that I will be firmly told off by some of the regular posters. This is a shame in some ways because I think you tend to sometimes find that the complete support and 'I know what you mean', 'schools are all awful' etc is not always that helpful. What I like about mumsnet is the robust debate, variety of views. I think we may be losing that a bit on the SN board. I like to think that I only say things I would be prepared to say face to face in posts online. This would perhaps help to avoid some of the unpleasant ness on this thread but would also mean that people feel safe to post their views.

'But the discussion wasn't being held robustly. I am happy with robust.
It was dismissive and mocking even when it was obviously an issue that directly affected my child.'

Just talking generally because I don't have any experience of the board, but that's the bit that gets me too about any post. Trying to discredit how someone feels by saying they're immature and whining, asking why they're bothering to post, insinuating they're insignificant and so are their problems, dissolving eventually into picking them apart on grammar/their past posts/that they've already had the advice before why aren't they doing as they're told.

I don't think everyone should be civil and polite, that would be weird, but it's awful to see posters panned into the ground (unless they're saying something outright offensive then it's a free for all).

BUt Polter, aren't posts like that challenged?

I know I've seen many that are.

gawd, not me, I hope?

I'm an ABAer through and through - given the results we've had with dd1, I couldn't be anything else, really. (although I could say that about Biomed too ), and I'd always give ABA a go (eg for ds if we end up there).

BUt I hope I'm not a 'die-hard' ABAer (and if I am, please do tell me to wind it in!)

I actually do agree with cansu. I have frequently deleted my posts before pressing send because I do feel that they don't fit the mold. That isn't right & I am just going to go for it in the future, although as I said earlier DS's needs are being met currently. We are now facing a host of medical problems so I'll be hanging out in health I think.

BUT I hate that posters like hazeyjane are upset by it all as I've spoken with her a lot over the years (under my old name) and think she's just great.

I'm amazed to read this thread (and the original one). I haven't read it all - only the first few pages (too many to read all!) but wanted to give my input.

I only post on the SN boards.

When I first posted less then a year ago, I was at rock bottom and my DS was heading towards a nervous breakdown. I posted on the SN boards and immediately got supportive responses from people who didn't know me or my back story. They were the first people (both in RL and in cyber-world) who said to me "I understand". When I wanted to give up the fight for my DS, they collectively said to me "don't you dare". When I "won" the correct educational provision for my DS, as one, they cheered me over the finish line.

Yes, there are some strong characters, but, always supportive.

The poster who this post is about was personally EXTREMELY supportive of me when I decided to complain about my DS's case and she offered me practical help and advice. I will always be grateful to her for that.

I have even met some of the SN posters in RL, and consider many on the SN boards as my friends.

I now like to return to support and encouragement I received when I first posted, so post on threads where I feel I can offer something.

The ONLY thing I dislike is the mixture of SN boards which often means a newbie posts on a board which doesn't get any traffic. The SN boards are not logical and so a lot of messages get missed by those who could help posters.

The problem with the thread referred to by pag wasn't the topic it was that there was no recognition that there are different routes to disability & different ways to protect the health of a child. Sneering at people whose children have been disabled in a way that makes you uncomfortable isn't cricket really.

I read the SN boards regularly up until that thread then couldn't be arsed & now only read occasionally. It seemed we were being told off for disagreeing with regulars. As someone whose been here since the beginning it made me roll my eyes but I can see it could potentially put off new posters quite quickly.

If the SN section recognises there are many routes to disability & many ways to respond, no right or wrong there shouldn't be any problem. It's just about respecting different choices & responses.