Gift for a friend in a terrible situation

[FiveSixSevenEightt]

I have an old uni friend who is facing the most unbelievably sad situation. Her very young child has received a terminal diagnosis with a 2-3 year best case scenario.

She lives far away, and we aren’t close anymore. We exchange Facebook birthday greetings. We used to send Christmas cards but fell out of that habit. We did cards and presents for our first borns but not after that.
I found out the diagnosis from a mutual friend but the friend in question will know I will find out so it’s fine I know. I feel just awful.

I will write a letter or a card and wondered if I could send something to go with it. I’m not much into previous stones or what have you but is there something like that I could send? A way to say I send my strength and love in this object?

Precious stones I meant.
Or a charm? A bracelet?

I that’s very sad. I wouldn’t send a gift. I’d just write a card or letter.

So she has not told you about this diagnosis herself? Have you stopped to think why?

Honestly I would stay out of it. If she wanted you involved she would have said so.

At most just send a brief private message saying you’re thinking of her.

(I would be outraged if someone outside my close circle took it upon themselves to start sending unnecessary objects in the midst of my trouble.)

Maybe a charity donation linked to a charity that helps people with that illness eg cancer charity plus a card.
you could also ring a helpline for advice depending on what illness it is eg cancer they deffo have charities who gently advise how to best support loved ones with these things.
i understand your urge to help in any way x
depending on her finances she may have to give up work or chose to to care for her child, you could send money nearer the time if you are able or a voucher for her child to do something fun together?

A candle and some nice bath stuff perhaps.
Probably most useful would be some things she could use when she is in hospital with her DC. Perhaps a shawl?

I wouldn’t, I’d think it was well meant even if potentially putting their foot in it. Better than knowing everyone’s talking about it and not speaking to me

If you're not in touch any more, stay out of it. A gift from an ex-friend is the last thing she needs.

Close friend: yes

Old ex friend: no

Well intentioned but inappropriate

I think a gift in those circumstances is weird. Her whole world has been turned upside down, a gift is not going to make the slightest bit of difference to her now, it's just one more thing to handle/thank someone for. Just write her a message if you feel like you are close enough, she has other people who are closer to her to keep in touch with.

There’s no doubt I’d know. Her mother told my other friend as they are in contact. It’ll be completely the expectation that I find out via that friend because of how we all keep in touch.
I understand the points made and will maybe instead write a note / letter / card and not send a trinket. I have already made a donation to a related charity but won’t of course mention that. I just wish so very much there was something I could do. I’m devastated for them.

Message and say 'I know we're not in touch much any more but I heard about your son and want you to know I'm thinking of you and here if you need me.'

Then step back and leave her alone.

Honestly it's a bit ghoulish to try to join in her trauma, she'll be trying to keep life normal and make the most of things, old friends popping up out of the woodwork with charm bracelets and shawls would only add to stress and weirdness.

She doesn't have to add your concern to the emotional weight. If she has limited time with her child she'll be focusing on her family, not wanting other people trying to claim her attention, however well-meaning.

Don’t listen to the awful people on here. I remember when a close family member was sick and old friends from everywhere in my past lives got in contact and wished me well. Some sent presents, some cards, some phone calls. It made a HUGE difference to me. All was welcome and very heart warming at a difficult time

I'd send a card, and say you're here for her if ever you can help.

Keep it simple.

Completely agree. Many people in your friend’s situation can feel isolated and that support drops away as people don’t know how to act.

We're not awful people because we don't want gifts from distant friends when horrific things happen. I have too suffered loss and I was definitely not in the right headspace to able to appreciate gifts from people who I was no longer in contact with. I kept my circle very small during that time because that's what I had the capacity to deal with. Not everyone is the same, but I think you can see from this thread that a lot of people function that way.

Most of the replies express an individual perspective just like yours. Ignoring the probability that some people wouldn’t feel comforted by a gift at this time isn’t in the OPs interest.

When people are going through grief and difficulties, they can feel crowded and overwhelmed by people trying to show sympathy and care. They sometimes need space and to be with those closest to them who share their grief.

Gifts are associated with reciprocity and celebration. Before someone tells me I know not exclusively. But a gift doesn’t hit the right note imo.

Given there is no need or precedent for a gift in these circumstances don’t send one.

I would just send a lovely card.

Some people are really clear they don’t want gifts or fuss. A very unwell friend of mine told everyone it was crucial to her to not receive anything. Given you are not close to her I would send a brief message to say you are thinking of her.

Whatever your opinion is,I appreciate those who’ve shared it kindly and with understanding. I’m just trying to navigate a new and upsetting scenario and the different viewpoints are helpful.
I am quite confident that if the tables were turned she would reach out to me. I will not send a gift but will make contact.

As all these responses show there's no answer. I went through a horrible time and depending on what day I was having would depend on the response I had to something. But the worst thing was being ignored. I got through the other side and am much more appreciative of those who tried, even if it landed badly at the time. Personally I valued practical support and chat to take me out of my awful situation. I think phrases to avoid are "I can't even begin to imagine" because of course you can and we all know it's incredibly sh*t and I also hated being asked "how are you?" as that question is way too big for anyone to deal with the actual answer.

If this were me, I'd send a card and as much money as I could afford, saying it is for your friend to do something nice with her child or buy something her child would love. To focus on the fact that the child is alive right now.

I think a card or a note is lovely. And keep checking in, not too much but every few months so she knows you’re there if she needs.
I can’t think why I’d want a precious stone or a bracelet in a situation like this. If you want to send something, then like spring bulbs in a pot or something I suppose, although it doesn’t really seem necessary. Just letting her know you are thinking about her and always there if she needs to unburden herself. Receiving a random crystal at a time like this seems quite odd?

Gifts no, but contact yes. When my close family member was diagnosed with cancer, an old friend from my past heard about it and was straight on the phone. It meant the world. So many people avoided me because they ‘didn’t know what to say’ and it was horribly isolating and made a bad situation even harder.

Human contact - pick up the phone