Gift for a friend in a terrible situation

[FiveSixSevenEightt]

I have an old uni friend who is facing the most unbelievably sad situation. Her very young child has received a terminal diagnosis with a 2-3 year best case scenario.

She lives far away, and we aren’t close anymore. We exchange Facebook birthday greetings. We used to send Christmas cards but fell out of that habit. We did cards and presents for our first borns but not after that.
I found out the diagnosis from a mutual friend but the friend in question will know I will find out so it’s fine I know. I feel just awful.

I will write a letter or a card and wondered if I could send something to go with it. I’m not much into previous stones or what have you but is there something like that I could send? A way to say I send my strength and love in this object?

A text is enough. Then she knows you’re thinking of her but it’s nothing performative.

I haven’t read every page so this may have been suggested but after the birth of one of my DCs a friend sent a beautiful meal hamper thing through the post. It was lovely and really made us feel thought of and took off a bit of pressure to have it ready to go into the oven.
Just a thought!

(I should add it was from a proper company in cold packaging. The friend hadn’t just popped some Tupperware in the post)

A card / letter would be kind. I don’t think a gift is necessary

If you’re not close I definitely wouldn’t call or send a gift (there are no appropriate gifts to this scenario). Send a card and leave her to reply or not (and don’t be offended if she doesn’t reply)

For those either pretending not to get it, or who are so tone deaf and self centred they really don't get it, this is why a gift would be the wrong thing to do.

A charity donation shifts focus away from the child and the horrifying indescribable pain of their dying to some abstract greater good. Who fucking cares about charities when your kid is dying? Charity donations are typically given after death in memoriam.

Any gift forces the grieving mother to acknowledge or appreciate the gesture. this is emotional labour she does not need or want. Gifts are future and celebration coded, not "the worst possible thing that can happen to any parent is happening to you right now" coded.

Every "gift" that enters the house becomes an object that she will later have to decide to keep as a corpse-memento or dispose of. Parents in this position describe unsolicited gifts, even small or supposedly thoughtful ones, as minimising the utter horror of what is happening to their baby.

A gift prioritises the donor and their need to feel like a good person.

A gift prioritises the sender’s need to feel helpful and no gift can be truly no strings attached in this circumstance. The string is that the sender wants to feel they did something good or useful while the mother endures horrifying anguish.

Some people won't mind you sending a gift to try to make yourself feel useful and kind - and many will. You cannot know how it will be received and so it is far better to avoid altogether.

Sending an unwanted, un-needed gift is easy. Holding space for someone is hard, sitting in someone's pain, lifting the phone and talking to them, enduring their agony, listening to them, just being around them - this is hard.

Phone her, and if she does not want to talk to you that's fine. Keep in touch with cards, emails, with no expectation of any reply. At some point she may want to bring her grief to your door.

If you love her, your compassionate attention is the only real gift you can give her.

There are also many guidelines out there on how to support someone in grief, I suggest you read them.

I think sending a thoughtful care package gift after a stillbirth is different - and lovely. You’re caring for the Mum after she’s suffered an horrendous physical and psychological trauma.
A child’s terminal diagnosis is different IMO. No appropriate gift.

My parent has just died.

I would not want to receive random gifts from distant contacts.

I really don’t care if you bring an army to shout me down …

I think that’s fair enough, I do understand your point

Just a message or card. Please no gifts ever. And check in with her in a few months and in a year, etc. assuming she responds positively.

Everyone sent messages to start (it was overwhelming), but then they kinda forgot and nearly 2 years in, no one really asks how I’m doing anymore.

If I were to get a gift, it would be a lovely lap blanket / shawl, etc. she can put over her when sitting around in hospital for hours to remind her you're thinking of her and her child.

I simply do not understand why everyone is attacking other posters here answering the OP’s question, rather than just answering it differently?

There seems to be on MN (in a way I honestly never see in real life) an assumption towards the worst in people. That people CAN make clanging mistakes when simply aiming to be supportive, and everyone must be corrected at all times. Most people simply do not behave this way with their friends or social groups.

Another poster here says that they believe a gift or letter or card or whatever always forces acknowledgment from the receiver. I do not believe any person on this thread would actually expect any acknowledgment or anything at all in return from the OP’s friend in this scenario.

No gift, and (for me) no gift cards or vouchers either. They can be a pain in the arse to monitor and spend, and add unwelcome admin. A card with a brief message, yes. And I'd consider offering a quick visit (very brief, no matter what the distance) to see if your time and a shoulder to lean on might be welcome. Or not. Depends how closely you see the (ex-)relationship progressing in the light of these new circumstances.

I’m horrified that people are advising you not to get in touch. Why would you not be there for her at such a devastating event? You didn’t have a big fallout so please get in touch and send some nice flowers. I don’t always keep in touch with old friends regularly since we moved away but I’d be touched that they cared if this happened to me. Otherwise, she’ll know you know but thinks you don’t give a shit. Send her a letter saying you understand that she and her family are having a horrible time and that you are there for her to lean on if she needs it. Ignore people telling you it’s none of your business.

I think this thread sums up how impossible it is to send a gift, because every distraught person is so different in how they react to things in such a horribly difficult situation.

The only safe response is a note to say that you've heard the awful news, and that you're thinking of them. That can always be built on over time, when you know how the person is managing and what they need from their friends and when.

First, I said if. It's the OP's call as she knows her friend better than all of us.
Second, this thread is not the thread to make assumptions about other posters' life experiences.

I agree. Well, not that people saying this are awful - but that it is their issue and that a great many people would not feel like this. I agree that a card with some kind and sincere words is a tiny comfort in an awful situation, and far better than knowing and doing nothing.

Mae contact via a card or letter and make clear you have no expectation of a response in any shape or form

I heard from a mutual friend that an ex friend had been diagnosed with another brain tumour (she'd had one during childhood and I knew she aways had a fear of it returning). I sent her a card via our mutual friend, just saying I was thinking of her etc. We'd been friends whilst we worked together and stopped contacting each other over both feeling let down by the other one etc no big rows or anything. Anyway, mutual friend said she really appreciated the card and actually said what good friends we'd been and how she couldn't even remember why we'd fallen out. I was glad she knew there were no hard feelings on my part and that I still cared about her. I'd just send a card or letter if I was you.

Lovely of you op. I would send the message, tell her your heart is breaking for her and let her know if there is anything you can do you would like to support her. I think down the line you could potentially buy her a massage or something like that, I have cancer and my friends just did this for me, it was really lovely gift.
my heart also hurts for your friend, life can be so utterly brutal sometimes.

Hi all. We're pretty disheartened by some of the replies on here. We ask that people give their view without getting nasty or personal towards the OP.

Disagree by all means, but there’s no need to be insulting. Thanks.

Oh god please no! What's this at the door who ordered Cook not me was it you what does Cook mean well open it and see do I have to I don't feel like it but maybe it needs to go in the fridge oh alright then look it's ready meals can you clear the fridge so they'll fit but we've nothing to throw out it's all in date I can't eat this one it's salmon we'll have to check the dates could you eat this one I can't face food right now hurry up we're due at the hospital ...

need to be careful about Just Eat and so on. NONE of them deliver around here. I am semi rural but deffo not in the middle of nowhere.

I'm assuming that OP would apply common sense and know if it would be relevant to either the hospital her friends child is at and/or where her friend lives.