Gift for a friend in a terrible situation

[FiveSixSevenEightt]

I have an old uni friend who is facing the most unbelievably sad situation. Her very young child has received a terminal diagnosis with a 2-3 year best case scenario.

She lives far away, and we aren’t close anymore. We exchange Facebook birthday greetings. We used to send Christmas cards but fell out of that habit. We did cards and presents for our first borns but not after that.
I found out the diagnosis from a mutual friend but the friend in question will know I will find out so it’s fine I know. I feel just awful.

I will write a letter or a card and wondered if I could send something to go with it. I’m not much into previous stones or what have you but is there something like that I could send? A way to say I send my strength and love in this object?

A friend’s child had a horrible diagnosis which meant they were in and out of hospital for years, several of us clubbed together and got her a big uber voucher so they could get food delivered or taxis to the hospital. She said later it was a very good gift and let her know we were all thinking of her.

Maybe not; she would always associate with the loss.

I agree with most of the people on here. A gift would be inappropriate but a card saying you are thinking of her would probably be welcomed.

A preloaded coffee card - have a look which coffee shop is at their hospital and buy a card with a hefty amount on. It’s a useful, neutral but thoughtful gift. Your poor friend, what a dreadful thing to happen.

A text saying youd heard, youre devstated for her, offering to chat and be a shoulder to cry on is really all you can and should do in my opinion. a gift seems tacky under the circumstances and a card while her child is still alive is also kind of awful to me.

I would send a message and offer support. If she is amenable and responds positively, I would make an effort to stay in touch. She will need good friends over the next few years and when the inevitable tragedy happens. Those who’ve experienced it often say that the close friends, in many cases, disappear/don’t know what to say and people they least expect come to be a huge source of support, so you could possibly be the friend she need. Also, kindly and gently acknowledging someone’s troubles is rarely the wrong thing to do

I find it really sad those saying you’re inappropriate, I think you're trying to actually be kind. So many people go through loss or really tough times and people avoid them because they don’t want to be ‘inappropriate’ when really the only inappropriate thing someone can do is nothing at all.

what about sending a weeks worth of COOK meals, or equivalent (decent ready meals) so they don’t have to think about cooking for some nights.

Spot on. When I got diagnosed with cancer many years ago I heard from all sorts of randoms. I wouldn’t contact her.

I think a card or some form of brief, non demanding contact.

I understand your urge to support her but you are not close physically or emotionally. I think this is all you can do.

As somebody who’s been through a terminal diagnosis of a family member I would really appreciate a lovely card with a long message in it. No gifts. No mention of charity donations. But reaching out is a nice thing to do

Send a card and if you’re prepared to go to her area and stay in a hotel but do her laundry and cleaning, tell her so

Definitely no gift. A card would be thoughtful. Or a phone call would be better..

I’d send a letter, but no gift. I know i’d appreciate a letter from an old friend in that situation.

There’s a company called something like Don’t Send Her Flowers which does lovely gifts for tricky times

This is hard because different people have different expectations in these circumstances. Some like to have acknowledgement but then others just like to be left alone.
I think the most neutral thing to do would be to write a note saying you have heard about her child being ill and just wanted to say you were thinking of her in this difficult time.
I wouldn't send a gift personally, just a message is enough.

There is no gift that is even remotely appropriate in this situation.

It's not a tricky time, her child is dying.

Not a gift for her IMO (I’m sure it’s the last thing she cares about just now) but if appropriate a donation to a relevant charity might be good. Medical research maybe - I’d hold off on gifts to children’s hospices and the like for now. Too raw.

I do think a card/brief letter saying you’re there for her if there’s anything you can do to help is a nice initiative though.
Do they have other children? Maybe a present they can all use (but you might need to get the mum’s input on that)

Editing this to say that she might suggest the children’s hospice if she’s already in contact with them. In our case it was our parents, not a child, so obviously a lot “easier” in that respect but we were all so pleased when people gave donations to our local hospice who were fantastic - and you’d be surprised how few people do give.

On the contrary, 99 per cent of people would not be “outraged” but appreciate the sentiment even if they weren’t close to that friend currently, and even if they didn’t feel able to acknowledge it or open a conversation after.

The OP directly addresses the issue that it’s fine that she knows this information, so your leap to unnecessary cruelty here is worthy of Jonathan Edwards

Look up 'pocket hugs' on amazon, maybe. Tiny little things that can be put in a letter.

yes and I used this company to send a careful gift and card to someone who had a stillbirth at full term

why is everyone on this thread being a phenomenal cunt instead of answering the OP’s thoughtful question?

On the contrary, 99 percent of people would definitely be outraged.

See how that works?

The reality is nobody knows how she will react and sending a gift could indeed be seen as inappropriate, pushy, expecting a thank you, over stepping or simply too hard to deal with.

A card would be appropriate and kind.

THIS!

No wonder so many people describe being avoided or ignored when they get a diagnosis /the worst news - the comments shown in this thread are exactly what friends are clearly afraid of. They so don’t want to get it wrong, so they do nothing. Which is always worse.

No, the point is not to send a gift which would be inappropriate as there is no suitable gift when your kid is dying.

Pretty much everyone said she should send a card or phone.

I agree with this! Sometimes when you're going through trauma it can be older friends or acquaintances who surprisingly step up. I'm sure either a letter or a small gift wouldnt upset her.