Gift for a friend in a terrible situation

[FiveSixSevenEightt]

I have an old uni friend who is facing the most unbelievably sad situation. Her very young child has received a terminal diagnosis with a 2-3 year best case scenario.

She lives far away, and we aren’t close anymore. We exchange Facebook birthday greetings. We used to send Christmas cards but fell out of that habit. We did cards and presents for our first borns but not after that.
I found out the diagnosis from a mutual friend but the friend in question will know I will find out so it’s fine I know. I feel just awful.

I will write a letter or a card and wondered if I could send something to go with it. I’m not much into previous stones or what have you but is there something like that I could send? A way to say I send my strength and love in this object?

I had a friend in a similar situation. I sent one of those gifts from a blanket company which included a lovely wool blanket, a mug and some chocolate (you could choose what was in the parcel). It included a little note from me saying I was thinking of them and sending love. I thought that all three gifts could be used in the hospital and at home. A lovely blanket is a good idea for cold nights on a ward.

Go and visit her. What will a present do?

there are quite a few people who believe that the big delivery firms deliver everywhere.

As someone who has had a child diagnosed with a terminal illness, I would say definitely reach out to let her know you are thinking of her. The gift is perhaps not necessary.
When you go though something so life changing you lose friends and family members, they just disappear but others step up and you find out who is really there for you.

There are times in life where texts although 'convenient' are simply not appropriate. I say this while still respecting your thoughts & contribution.

A blanket is such a lovely idea. You know your friend.

Wow some of these replies are really arseholish. The OP is trying to do something to show she cares. Of course no card/present/gift is actually going to make anything any better in such a horrible situation but surely not saying anything is great either.

OP I agree that a gift isn’t needed but do reach out with a message or card x

I received a lovely letter when my Dad died from someone I'd never even met. I was so so touched that they took the time to do that.

On the other hand, I was hurt by the many friends who I knew knew, but didn't say anything and acted like it hadn't happened.

A gift isn't necessary in my opinion but I think a letter could be lovely.

I’d suggest a card for now - not a text or WhatsApp as it can be overwhelming to feel you have to reply, wort a coffee shop/ uber eats/ cook voucher I’d then follow up in a few months with flowers . At the immediate bad news it’s overwhelming getting sent lots f flowers - you run out if vases, no space in fridge/ freezer fir food. As the months go on you feel forgotten about - that is when a thoughtful gift means a lot. The suggestion to google the hospital and her a coffee shop voucher for whatever is there - Starbucks, Nero etc is an excellent one. A “ no need to reply “ in the card and putting in your phone number and saying you are available to listen/ visit when she is ready is I think very appropriate

I agree , tapping out a text is easy and takes minutes no effort shown at all
these days a card with a written message and a visit to a post office ( if you can find one ! ) shows a bit of effort and therefore love has gone into the action
I would put in the card something simple like one of those small plastic cards with a poem on it or a guardian angel , if she is religious you can gets prayer cards from a church tomorrow or a photo of the two of you in happy times and tell her a copy of it is on your fridge and you are thinking of her

b and m are selling heated blankets cheaply I’d sew her her kids name on it . I’d send one of those myself

I am a firm believer in sending things to those we care about it will be well received I am sure of it .

This is so true. Sometimes people close to her will act very distant as people don't know what to say so some just avoid which is hurtful. When my Mum was dying an old school friend reached out to me and sent a card saying she had lovely memories of my Mum making cakes and sending some home for her siblings. It meant so much to know Mum was so well thought of after so many years of no contact and it put us back in touch.

I would send a card with note as others have suggested and if the hospital has a Costa or Starbucks I would include a gift card, if the child is in hospital she will probably be living off coffee and hospital snacks.

Unless you know that your old friend is poverty stricken, and never knows where their next meal is coming from, please, please, please do not send her money, as I believe that that would be a totally crass thing to do, and just wrong in so many ways. If you believe that, without actually being in poverty, your old uni friend will struggle to pay for all the expenses that will very sadly be coming up, then could your other friend, ask your uni friend's grandmother, whether her daughter would appreciate a 'go fund me' being set up in their name. I know that some people would hate it, including me.

However, if anyone reading this thinks that is also a crass idea, then please don't even suggest it. If they would like a 'go fund me' setting up OP, I think it should probably be done by someone much closer to the family. The grandmother must also be feeling devastated, so I hope your other friend is both tactful, and a good communicator.

I know that when we hear about awful cases like this, the natural reaction is to want to do something to help, and it can be horrible to feel so powerless, but I think that we all, and I am including myself here, need to think about what we want to do, and whether it is solely because we want to help the person suffering, or whether it is partly to make us feel better as well? In which case we have to remember that none of it is about us.

I agree with PPs that a few lines expressing how sorry you are, and that maybe, as you live so far away, and therefore can't, unfortunately, offer any pratical help, that if she ever wants anyone to talk to, or even rant at, night or day (if you actually mean that), then to please give you a ring, as you hope that you are a good listener, and that you wouldn't offer any unasked for advice, you just want to offer support in whatever way you can, and she needs.

Personally, I would add that she doesn't need to reply to you now, or even at all, and to just ring if she ever needs someone else to listen to her. I would probably add that I hoped she was able to take as much care of herself as possible, so that she can be strong enough to be there for her dear child - and any other children if she has any. One last thing, please send your thoughts by snail mail, not an email, or anything else digital. Thank you for wanting to be there for your friend, we need more of you on this struggling world. xx

Actually, @FiveSixSevenEightt,
despite what I said above, I think that FairyBatman's idea is a lovely and thoughtful one.

In similar circumstances I reached out to send a a food delivery voucher. Parents with sick kids end up eating a lot of take away at hospital bed sides. It's expensive.

This is really sad life is so cruel! Definitely send a heartfelt card I would send a voucher for somewhere like COOK delicious home cooked ‘ ready meals ‘ much nicer than the supermarket typical ones so she can have a few nights not thinking about what to cook. It’s practical and thoughtful

Just a reminder, OP quickly agreed that buying a gift would be a bad idea in these circumstances.

And I have explained clearly why it would be a bad idea.

There are two types of people on this thread - those who can learn from lived experience and expert advice, and those who want to be praised, blow their own trumpet and centre themselves at all times.

If you disagree with my carefully worded post, you are in the second category and I have no interest in any sort of discussion with you. If you reply to me you are proving how conceited and self obsessed you are.

Preventing OP from making things worse for the woman whose child is dying is and was far more important than your hissy fit and desperate desire to win an argument on mumsnet. Job done.

If you disagree with me, you're wrong.

Go away.

@FiveSixSevenEightt this is very kind of you. Too many people just don't think of others. Im sure your friend will appreciate a thoughtful note from you, acknowledging her and her family's pain. Sometimes just being heard is enough. There's nothing you can do to make this awful situation better. If there was anything the doctors and parents would be doing it. All you can send is heartfelt, kind thoughts. Which im sure you will send.
Life is so bloody cruel sometimes.

Very good posts from @nothanks2026 I’d only add that it’s fine to make a charity donation privately and without telling your friend about it, if you wish. The problem comes from mentioning it to her.

This thread explains why some people totally ignored the fact that my dad died when I was 35 weeks pregnant. Fear of doing the wrong thing?

I love the idea of a prayer card to go along with the message although as you mentioned you would have to know whether it would be appreciated🙏

Why are you no longer close @FiveSixSevenEightt ? Did the relationship just fizzle out?

I would hate to receive a prayer card, DP would love it. Also, some people change faith over time, and if you are not in touch you would have to find out first. As you so rightly say, you would have to know before sending.

To be honest, I'd avoid vouchers. As family 'voucher monitor' the life admin dealing with expiry dates, restrictions, and simply keeping track is a complete pain in the arse. I got sick of COOK after a few days. Same with Charlie Bingham's, M&S and the rest - groundhog meal. And aren't COOK the ones where you have to scan a QR code to look up the cooking instructions eg before deciding whether you have time for one that can't go in the microwave? Having to be in for delivery or finding room in the fridge - just no. Unless you can find out first that's what she wants.