Gift for a friend in a terrible situation

[FiveSixSevenEightt]

I have an old uni friend who is facing the most unbelievably sad situation. Her very young child has received a terminal diagnosis with a 2-3 year best case scenario.

She lives far away, and we aren’t close anymore. We exchange Facebook birthday greetings. We used to send Christmas cards but fell out of that habit. We did cards and presents for our first borns but not after that.
I found out the diagnosis from a mutual friend but the friend in question will know I will find out so it’s fine I know. I feel just awful.

I will write a letter or a card and wondered if I could send something to go with it. I’m not much into previous stones or what have you but is there something like that I could send? A way to say I send my strength and love in this object?

I have friends who swear by this but I would hate this.

You never know what someone is doing at the other end. The child might be sick or they might be in the middle of some intense parental discussion about medical options, or just having a rare cosy time, playing lego or watching cartoons. Then a friend they haven't heard from in years calls because they heard about the trauma. They'd have to explain and be polite but might just want OP to sod off so they can get on with their day.

A note is more considerate at first. If the friendship picks up, a few text messages checking in and offering to call for a chat at an arranged time would be lovely. But not out of the blue.

A kind and supportive letter or card is enough, I think. Gifts can feel burdensome at a time like this and can be a very unwanted reminder of a traumatic period. I was given a gift after a bereavement and honestly, I couldn’t look at the thing, and gave it away as soon as I could. Kindly, you have not been close for a while, I am sure she would appreciate some kind words, but don’t expect a reply as she may just be overwhelmed right now.

Ghoulish? That's, an awful way to describe OPs thoughts. I wouldn't send a gift either, however I can see that OP feels immense empathy for this lady, and merely wants to somehow convey that.

When my daughter was very ill (cancer) a coupIe of friends sent gifts I really appreciated - a gift card for the cafe in the hospital and also a couple of gift cards for COOK / M and S so we could buy some super easy meals without fretting about money.

I too think that a bracelet or precious stone is an odd gift at a time like this. A gift card for a shop that’s close by or something like deliveroo to be able to buy an easy meal or a takeaway is fine, or maybe even a box of postal brownies and send a message with it to say you hope she can have a rest with a cup of tea etc. Otherwise, a card/note to say you’ve heard the news and are thinking of her is fine I think, and is more likely than not to be appreciated.

I also think it’s a nice gesture, although I would consider something practical to send her. I would ask on the Mumsnet threads for health what other parents found helpful.

Just read a few more threads - the cookshop vouchers for prepared meals might be appreciated

To be honest I wouldn’t write or send anything. I believe you are thinking with the absolute best of intentions but you are no longer in touch with this lady and she will be in an emotional fire bin currently - just in the headspace to confuse empathy with pity. In your position I would keep abreast of how things are going through your mutual friend and pass on your best wishes that way. If an opportunity comes up to support a Gofundme for treatment or contribute to a larger fund I would go that route.

This is terrible advice.
just because people loose touch due to busy lives doesn’t mean they won’t feel positively about being reached out to and held in moments of tragedy.
The last thing I’d be thinking of doing if I were the friend is getting touch with people from my past to tell them about said tragedy but I’d be very glad to receive words or offers of support from those people.

I don’t agree with that! She maybe haven’t told her because when you have your problems you don’t start announcing it but it usually travels with word of mouth. To put it simply to you, when I was 20 and I lost my mum I didn’t start calling everyone to announce it and invite them to the funeral. I was destroyed and lost. Instead, the news travelled by word of mouth and everyone was there to support me. It amazing to have all of my friends around me when I needed them the most.

Perhaps in the card or note you could say something like ‘No need to reply, just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you both/all’, as then there’s no pressure on her to respond unless she has the headspace to.

The weirdness of some people on here never ceases to amaze me. The OP is doing something nice ffs. She’s not fallen out with the friend, they’ve merely drifted apart.

I would send her a message / card and that then potentially opens the door. At worst it shows that you care. Ignore the arseholes, OP.

When my sister was given 2 years to live, many many years ago, my Mother was appalled at the ghouls who appeared out of the mists of time , wanting to give their thoughts. Mum said that it was a shame that they couldn't have kept in touch when there was nothing to ghoul about

Ghouls. Grief vampires. The world has gone mad. At least, mumsnet has.

If you can, a card or note or even FB message every so often might be appreciated. In my experience there’s often a flurry of cards immediately and then nothing, probably cos people don’t really know what to say. The occasional reminder that someone is thinking about you and your family can mean so much when you’re in the throes of ongoing tragedy.

If you do decide to send vouchers please make sure there is a place she can use them locally! A friend sent me a generous voucher when I had a baby and it made me panic because I didn't have space in the freezer to order a delivery and the nearest shop was a 40 minute drive. Cook has freezers in garden centres but you can't use vouchers there. I did use the vouchers and they were wonderful, but it was some months later than intended.

I would send a card through the post. It can be read at a time if her choosing, prompt her to get in touch if she wants to, and places no obligations.

You clearly do care and would like her to know you are thinking of her in particular.

I wouldn’t say anything about meeting up / chatting / texting etc as that creates the potential to add to a to do list.

Flowers and a little card saying you're in my thoughts

I think it's personally worse when people don't acknowledge things like this. Not everyone assumes people are grief thieves. Reach out in a few sentences then see what the response is. My cousin who I was previously close to got a terminal diagnosis and at that point, stopped contact with me whereas we was talking regularyly before about normal life and then the illness. So let your friend guide you and go with her response.

I can only tell you from my perspective. A stranger to me, she was the wife of one of my Husband's work colleagues, sent me a card at my darkest time.

At the time I was so angry, I thought, what right has this women to try and reach out to me. Sadly she had gone through the same thing and just wanted to let me know she could "see" me and there were others who would understand.

Rightly or wrongly I never replied.

But now, nearly 19 years later, it's one of my most prized possession's, tucked away in my memory box. It is really nice knowing someone cared for me and the child we lost.

Anyway, whatever you decide to do, don't expect an acknowledgement, or basically any reaction at all, (and if you are doing this for the acknowledgement/applause, then please don't) as your friend is solely focused on her child and that's how it should be.

I’d send flowers and a card with a nice note.

Send something for the child that can be played with whilst travelling, or waiting for appointments.