Gift for a friend in a terrible situation

[FiveSixSevenEightt]

I have an old uni friend who is facing the most unbelievably sad situation. Her very young child has received a terminal diagnosis with a 2-3 year best case scenario.

She lives far away, and we aren’t close anymore. We exchange Facebook birthday greetings. We used to send Christmas cards but fell out of that habit. We did cards and presents for our first borns but not after that.
I found out the diagnosis from a mutual friend but the friend in question will know I will find out so it’s fine I know. I feel just awful.

I will write a letter or a card and wondered if I could send something to go with it. I’m not much into previous stones or what have you but is there something like that I could send? A way to say I send my strength and love in this object?

As someone who has been through illness and death of a child, I would much rather you say something. People avoided me and it made me feel sadder, like I also had to shoulder other people’s grief.

So, my vote is to send a message (not call as friend will be put on the spot), saying you’re thinking of them etc. Do not say ‘I can’t imagine’ or words to that effect.

Follow up with a self care gift - brownies in the post for mum and child to enjoy together etc.

I’d send a thinking of you card with a personal message, keep it simple and heartfelt. Don’t send a gift, not appropriate currently

I think the last thing this poor mother will be doing is taking a bath with candles!

I had a school mum friend in this situation many years ago. Difference was, we were friends enough that I was able to visit her and her child in hospital, and bring something concrete her child desired (food item) and keep the mother company.

In OP case, she’s clearly not close enough. At the most, a text saying ‘thinking of you’, but given she’s had no direct contact with the mother, I’m not sure even about that. Cards are more for after the sad event, ie sympathy.

There are some pretty aggressive responses to the OP who is just trying to work out what’s the best approach. It’s tricky but I think a brief handwritten note is probably best. Cook vouches and practical presents etc are for a later stage and probably those close to her are best placed to know the appropriate timing for those. Other gifts are not appropriate as you’re not close at the moment.

For all the comments about butting out and not being a grief vampire, I think there is a middle ground. When a young very close relative of mine was dying having an acknowledgement without pressure to respond or a brief call was comforting. What really hurt was those who said nothing. At the time it was such chaos that I didn’t really notice and I suppose I assumed they didn’t know but later when I found out who knew full well and was asking for regular secondhand updates but never said a word to me, that hurt. It’s isolating enough.

Card or letter - handwritten is best.

Don’t send flowers. They won’t be wanted in hospital (if they’re in hospital) and the poor mother is probably already drowning in them, with not enough vases. Nor does she want to be in at home to accept delivery. Again, flowers, if desired, are for after the sad event, assuming charitable donations aren’t requested.

In my school mum friend’s case, we all donated to Gt Ormond Street at her request.

I would message a brief loving message to say you've heard the news.

I would ask if it would be ok to give her a call and if so when's best.

Speak to her. But give her a heads up first so that she can compose herself.

When i experienced an awful time a good friend of mine slunk away because, i presume, she 'didn't know what to say'. A more peripheral friend who lived nearby however rang and asked to pop round and i'll never forget her running up the drive with arms open. Bless her heart. That big hug. There's nothing anyone can say to make it better. But hard as it is just offer your love and an ear 💐

I am in your camp.

A gift, however well meaning, was just something else I had to think about what to do with, remember to thank the person nicely etc when I had no headspace for doing anything except surviving at that point.
If I'd started getting things from old uni friends that I only communicated on FB (however much I liked them and saw them as a friend) it really would have sent me over the top feeling pressured from all directions.

But I think if you do want to acknowledge it the best thing is a FB message (as you say that's how you communicate) with something like:
"I've heard your news and want to say how sorry I am. Please don't feel you have to reply as I know you have better things to do. If you want to talk I'm here. xx"
Or something similar which gives no pressure on the other person. They may not even read it, and you have to be happy with that.

Edited to add: Do not in any case call or ask her to call. That is very intrusive at a difficult time.

Understandably people will have their own ideas on how to react. I woud send a blank card with a message recognising you are no longer in touch. I would also add my phone number & say my thoughts are with you. Please don't hesitate to call me for a chat if you would like to catch up again.

The friend is unlikely to be contacting everyone she knows, because every such message or conversation is agonising to have. And of course she won't have the headspace.
In a similar situation (not a child though) I absolutely relied on the news spreading by word of mouth. I then started to get messages and cards that I really appreciated

I find your first paragraph very strange, and somewhat cruel.

I was in a terrible situation where I really needed to know my friends were with me, people sent flowers etc but the standout gift that I received was a matchbox lion from East of India. It’s tiny and easily fits in my pocket as something that I can hold onto when things are difficult and know that they’re with me. It had a little statement on the front (I can’t quite remember what but it was something to do with being brave) that meant so much. I’m not a sentimental person at all but that has always stuck with me and I still take it now when I need to do something hard as a little reminder

Id consider a voucher along the lines of "no pressure to use but in case you or the kids need something to eat /wear/ use please feel free to use this". Like m&s or something.

Please please don't send flowers. Wonderful sentiment but just another thing to do/look after. Ditto candles and relaxation stuff. A warm bath is not going to cut it and might feel guilty about taking me time (although of course she dudnt'.

In similar circumstances I heve sent flowers but you have to know that the person would find that acceptable.

if you do send a gift I'd rather send something like nice tea and bisquits with a sentiment for her to have some quiet space / moment in a difficult time etc

The fkowers I have sent have been prearranged and in a container or something like bulbs in a pot so no effort involved.

Same here.

Your friend will appreciate kind words.

I had a friend who had a cancer diagnosis (now recovered), he couldn't cope with telling people at the time of diagnosis and treatment so asked a relative to tell people. Maybe the friend would rather other, trusted people passed the news so she could focus on her little one.

I'm on team send a card. And regularly let her know you are thinking of them.

It is a very lonely place to be and knowing people are supporting you can really lift you on a crap day. Expect no response.

This. Those saying if she hasn't told you herself then it's none of your business are being ridiculous. Send her a card op and let her know you're thinking of her.

Respectfully, my mother was told that one of her children had 2 years to live. Walk a few miles in her shoes before judging her reaction to those people who suddenly reappeared in her life

I did the same when my husband died. Much easier than to have to keep telling people and explaining/answering questions. I told a couple of his friends and asked them to share the news.

Very probably. You don't have brain space and energy to be informing people out of your immediate circle.

I haven’t been in this position but I know someone who had. The best gift they said they received was a gift card for a coffee chain - nothing too big, nothing that reminded them imminently of the situation (I.e a keepsake) but it was more of a ‘I’m thinking of you - grab yourself and your little one a treat’ and helped instill some normality.

When my son had cancer, I appreciated anything practical such as a takeaway vouchers as parents often don't get fed at the hospital and you end up going hungry a lot of the time.

Just a card saying you are thinking about her is enough, with a just eat/deliveroo voucher if you want a little something to add.