Husband "hates all my clothes"

[KizzyA]

My husband and I had a heart to heart yesterday. We have issues but we've decided to try and work on them. One of the things that came up - that I'm now totally fixated on - is that he "hates" all my clothes.

I've had two babies in the past 3.5 years, I've gained weight. I probably dress more covered up than I used to but I also like colour, the more modern boxy shapes and things like barrel jeans (marmite, i know!) I mostly wear barrel jeans and a plain tshirt, birkenstock style sandals, that kind of thing. He said I look 'mumsy' (duh).

I asked him to send me some things he would like to see me wear, and they are things that I hate / know wouldn't suit me. Skinny jeans, awful black capri pants, the best was a pair of very tailored dark blue jeans - but they don't look comfortable for running around after the babies, walking the dog, etc ! To me, it looks outdated and 2000s style.

I'm not going to change the way I dress for him, and he said he doesn't in any way expect me to, but I now feel even more unattractive to my husband than I did before. I'd like to find a middle ground - something I like and that he likes too. The best I could find was those Starlight Nobodys Child dresses. Anybody have any ideas? In need of some inspiration and ideas 🙏

Thank you, that's very kind.

I've never heard of Traffic People but love Nobodys Child and Free People, so will definitely look into the other two! Thank you!

The lagenlook style just isn’t sexy. It’s practical and comfortable, but hardly attractive.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong in wanting to look attractive for your partner. Obviously without seeing you our advice is limited, but a 5’1 size 14 hourglass just isn’t fit for loose clothing and barrel jeans. I have similar measurements and unfortunately happen to dislike most of what it’s advised for hourglasses - but the truth is I feel amazing when I dress for my figure.

With small kids personally I think dresses are an easy way out. They’re practical and an outfit in itself, you don’t even need a lot of pieces (ie trousers, belt, shirt, cardi).

If you don’t have time for date nights maybe get nicer loungewear/pjs? Practically they do the same thing, they just look more appealing.

You say you had a deep talk but the result is he doesn't like your clothes? Sounds shallow to me. He's literally objectifying you and you keep defending him.

I think he’s paid you quite a compliment - that he loves the shape of your body and prefers you not to obscure the outline. My opinion of an item of clothing always trumps my DH’s so I understand how you feel.
It seems to me that clothing below the waist is where you disagree. Perhaps something more fitted teamed with a looser (boxy/boho) top would work.
When I scan the playground at school pick up time I’d be lucky to find a mum not wearing leggings (gym or otherwise). There’s plenty of colour, savvy and money. It’s the grannies, like me, who wear loose clothes tbh. My DiL wears leggings with a sweatshirt or wide legged jeans with tucked in t-shirts or boxy tops.
Your DH sounds brilliant. Every home should have one!

Jeans always go from skinny to baggy and back again on an infinite loop lol.

As a petite 5’ gal, with these short legs, anything other than a skinny just swallows them up! I think the looser styles look great but they just don’t work for me and make me look even shorter and dumpier. So I will continue wearing mine! I swap them up with T-shirt, smart top, oversized jumper depending on the season and event and I do personally feel and look good in them 😊

No, the result is we are going to try marriage counselling, hes going to spend his savings on private health care for a chronic illness that effects our lives a lot, hes going to make more effort to take the pressure off me as the 'default parent', we are both going to take an evening a week to do our hobbies... the thing that struck me as something I could do is buy a few clothes that we both like, that might make me feel attractive to him and so improve our sex life. If I had time to be shallow I'd be a happy woman 😆 I've said all this above, please dont criticise me, my relationship or my husband without reading my comments first, kindly. Yes I am defending him. I asked for clothes advice, not relationship advice.

Thank you for educating me on term lagenlook! Never heard it before ! I completely agree i may not be dressing best for my shape. He loves me wearing dresses, I'm just so self conscious now they are all long and loose - what style dresses do you wear?

Honestly, your style sounds SO MUCH BETTER than what he’s suggesting! You can work on your relationship without dressing like it’s 2005. I would ignore this request but work on other aspects, knowing YOU need to be happy in this relationship too.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write that so kindly. He's a good man, I didn't expect this to take such a turn!

You do you for sure!! If I was skinny I feel like I could pull them off, but with my thighs being the bigger part of me (my waist is two sizes smaller!) I just don't like drawing attention to them...

I find this really, really odd.

Sorry but my husband saying he hates my clothes would give me the massive ick and ring alarm bells.

when you love a person and find them attractive, it’s because of who they are as a person, and the chemistry you have together. If he’s focusing on superficial things like your jeans, I don’t know, it’s a pretty depressing indictment of how he sees you and the state of your relationship.

Just because he loves me, doesn't mean he needs to have the same taste in clothes? How odd ...I've been dressing like this for 4 years. I really dont think him mentioning it once in a heart to heart is "focusing on superficial things". Thank you for your opinion on my relationship, but it's rather rude. I hope you've read my other comments before you've drawn this conclusion.

Are you new to mumsnet Kizzy?! 😁

Is it rude?

I can see why you may find other people querying this hard to hear, but it’s not rude is it?

And clearly part of you knows it’s weird of him too, which is why you’ve posted about it on a forum.

Mentioning hating your clothes in a heart to heart really is very strange indeed, and I would suggest a thinly veiled way of saying he isn’t attracted to you. I would be pretty hurt about this given its natural womens bodies change with age and having babies. Of all the challenges in a relationship at this stage in your life, that he focuses on something as superficial and bizarre as not liking your jeans, makes it sound like your husband is a control freak / total dick.

I’ve got 3 young DC, so totally understand the practical side of dressing yourself with kids that age. My DH also loves me to wear tighter and ‘sexier’ stuff.

Around the house, I’ve started wearing leggings (even ‘scrunch bum’ sometimes!) with a singlet top or sports bra/oversized cropped t-shirt. It’s practical for chasing the kids, bending down and changing nappies etc. but also tight enough to be ‘sexy’. I actually really like wearing it.

Ive also tried to make more effort in my everyday clothing. I LOVE wrap dresses, and they can actually be really practical. I think they would suit your figure. My job requires quite boring, sensible clothing, so I usually change when I get home in the afternoons. After baby #3, once I lost the baby weight, I bought a whole bunch of sexier pyjamas, ‘teddy’ style things, which I’ve started wearing to bed instead of my old t-shirt and pyjama pants combo.

Im going to get flamed for admitting this, but I buy a lot of stuff from SHEIN. If you don’t have a problem shopping from there, I recommend:

• Glow Mode brand for leggings and tighter gym wear. Really flattering and sucks everything in.
• ‘Frenchy’ for beautiful wrap dresses, blouses, and jeans.

He’s not the one wearing the clothes, so why does he have to have a taste for barrel leg jeans?

when he says he hates your clothes, he’s saying he doesn’t find you attractive. That’s pretty rude. You can call posters telling you this is weird rude if it protects your feelings, but I think you know deep down it’s weird which is why you’ve reacted so defensively.
im sorry, I’m actually speaking in defence of you as I think it’s awful you’ve been made to feel this way, so not trying to deliberately upset you. I just think you need to hear that it’s not normal for a husband to speak to their wife like this.

It just seems a bit weird that this is a sticking point for him? That he is genuinely bothered by what your wear?? It sounds like you have nice style and it’s appropriate for looking after two young kids.

I’m sort of in the same boat, 2 kids in 3.5 years too, I’m a lot bigger than I was pre kids and my style is so different to what I used to wear. DH will often say ‘oh this would suit you, this would look nice’ etc when we’re out shopping but he’s never criticised what I’m wearing and always tells me I look beautiful.

I don’t know about you, but when I gave birth I just didn’t want to wear tight short clothing anymore and I wanted to dress a bit more modestly because I’m a mum! And there’s nothing wrong with that. Doesn’t mean I want to look frumpy. You can still look good and wear looser fitting clothing.

I think your DH needs to accept that you’re in a different phase of your life and clothes don’t define whether you’re sexy or not.

What is sexy about dressing in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable or self conscious?

The idea of a man wanting that for me, or needing me to wear a particular thing in order to fancy me, would put me off ever going anywhere near him.

Haha no but I posted in obviously a moment of madness! 😆

OP, your eldest is only 3.5. Mine is 5.5 and I'm only just emerging from the "what's clean, comfy and breastfeeding-friendly?" approach to style 😅
The clothes you wear sound practical and fashionable. But I can relate to the tension (either within yourself or in the couple) of there being an idea of what you used to look like and how you used to dress, and that not working with your new body.
I'm not in any way affiliated with this service but I used the StyleMeHappy service on FB/IG (widely recommended on MN!) and was really happy with it - she does a colour and shape analysis and advises on what colours and styles will suit you. It persuaded me to try styles that I wouldn't have previously. But one of the best, simplest tips I picked up from there is the power of some lipstick and a necklace or earrings to upgrade your outfit.
I don't think you should wear things you dont like just because your partner likes it, but I do think it feels good when you put something on and your partner says "you look nice!" - we all like to feel desirable and it sounds like hes being honest about what he finds attractive rather than trying to batter your confidence or control what you wear.

It just seems a bit weird that this is a sticking point for him? That he is genuinely bothered by what your wear?? It sounds like you have nice style and it’s appropriate for looking after two young kids

I don't think it's weird at all.

I think some women - and I think I did this when the kids were younger - just completely shift their persona, including clothing, to being about being a mum rather than being a woman.

It's not that men don't understand that things change and you're not going to look exactly the same at 35 with two kids as at 21 when you met but when you send the signal so strongly that you see yourself as mum exclusively, it's understandable that that's not particularly sexy.

So nothing at all, doing parenting when you are a parent is hardly making an effort.

And, no offence to Fat Face but if that's where he gets his clothes that's fine but they are hardly fashionable.

He has done a real number on you, credit to him for that. Impressive.

Also, I think it's possible to separate "I hate your clothes" from "I find you as a person unattractive". I've had some strong opinions on some of my husband's clothes - and have told him as much - but he knows I still love and fancy him. Just not when hes wearing his grey joggers.

Head above the parapet! 😁

I think it's rude to say me wanting to buy some clothes that I and my husband find attractive, "a pretty depressing indictment of how he sees you and the state of your relationship".

You're welcome to query it, but presuming you have read my previous comments I find it odd. He hasn't focused on it, or asked me to change, or any of that. He's said he, personally, dislikes my clothes. That is OK... we dont have to have the same taste. It was a small, 'whilst we're being brutally honest' moment at the end of a 4 hour conversation. It took less than five minutes and that was basically all me telling him hes wrong 😆 he hasn't asked me to change them, but since hes doing a lot to try and change our relationship for the better I really dont see the problem in trying to find a few new outfits we BOTH like🙈