Husband "hates all my clothes"

[KizzyA]

My husband and I had a heart to heart yesterday. We have issues but we've decided to try and work on them. One of the things that came up - that I'm now totally fixated on - is that he "hates" all my clothes.

I've had two babies in the past 3.5 years, I've gained weight. I probably dress more covered up than I used to but I also like colour, the more modern boxy shapes and things like barrel jeans (marmite, i know!) I mostly wear barrel jeans and a plain tshirt, birkenstock style sandals, that kind of thing. He said I look 'mumsy' (duh).

I asked him to send me some things he would like to see me wear, and they are things that I hate / know wouldn't suit me. Skinny jeans, awful black capri pants, the best was a pair of very tailored dark blue jeans - but they don't look comfortable for running around after the babies, walking the dog, etc ! To me, it looks outdated and 2000s style.

I'm not going to change the way I dress for him, and he said he doesn't in any way expect me to, but I now feel even more unattractive to my husband than I did before. I'd like to find a middle ground - something I like and that he likes too. The best I could find was those Starlight Nobodys Child dresses. Anybody have any ideas? In need of some inspiration and ideas 🙏

It’s so fucking annoying when things like this are turned into “your husband trying to control you “ 🙄..
I completely get what you are saying OP , when I was with my partner , he always liked me to shop with him to show what I may think would be nice on him , obviously he never wore stuff he hated , nor did I expect him to !, but there is a middle ground..
We all like to look appealing to our partners, of course we do !!
So my advice would be , get a babysitter & head out to the shops on a Sunday, choose stuff you guys would like together, go for something to eat & have a nice day out .. ☺️

I am not your age or stage anymore, but I wonder if you'd like any of the tips on 'shopstylefinder'. It's American so you can't buy the things here but you can find similar. It's about styling the clothes you wear. It's generally casual stuff, jeans etc but with flattering tops /jackets and accessories for women with tummies etc and how to like what you wear a bit more.

Good luck with it all.

I like wide leg jeans and a t shirt top / shirt tucked in at the front, worn with sneakers / trainers, can be layered up with a hoodie etc. practical but still stylish. And the principal can be dressed up or down eg palazzo jeans, nice top, nice belt for going out. Also wide leg linen trousers Next / M&S with a t shirt. I don’t suit leggings or skinny jeans but these 2 styles I do feel happy in xx

Yawn.

Isn’t there a difference between dressing to make yourself look and feel attractive and desired and your partner telling you they hate everything you wear though?

Me too !!!

Could you try to find a compromise or at least try and wear one or two of the things he liked? In Uni I lived in jeans and hoodies and both my partner and Mum expressed a desire to see me in something more feminine. Mum made it her mission to find out why I didn't want to wear dresses and we came to the conclusion I was very self-conscious about my legs, so she bought me some leggings, it took some time but now I rarely wear jeans or even trousers at all, I spend my life in leggings and casual dresses. If you always wear the same things he may just want to see a simple occasional change or he may want to see you in something more feminine. Tbh Birkenstocks in my book would be grounds for divorce.

Yes they're two completely different things 🤔

I can't stand certain clothes, if my partner wore those things most of the time then I would 'hate everything he wore', just like I'd hate them on other people, because I don't like those clothes.

Here is the problem with open and frank discussions, sometimes you don't like the answers. He hasn't asked her to change what she wears just said he doesn't like her choice of what to wear but it is her choice. OP is focusing on a part of the conversation she's worried about. She wants to think her husband still finds her attractive. I'm sure he does, after all the 'fun' times often don't involve clothes.

This has got quite out of hand ! Thank you for all the kind suggestions and understanding posters. I'm starting to get irate at the people who are commenting on my husband and relationship. Its not a red flag ffs, shock horror hes entitled to an opinion. It doesn't mean im changing everything, its not black and white, all or nothing. I'd like to add a few pieces to my wardrobe we both like. If im honest ive been aware he won't like my latest fashion choices, but ive bought them anyway. And for all you saying its shallow and awful for me/him to focus on clothes during a relationship crisis meeting - how the hell do you know what we focused on!? It was a 4 hour talk, 5 minutes of clothing chat (and most of that was me telling him hes wrong, when actually, I know hes kind of right). Its just something ive decided would be nice to work on because hey, I got a personal shopped appointment and new clothes out of it! From his bank account no less... compromise, differing opinions, etc is ok. Please at least have the decency to read my previous posts before going on a rage rant about controlling men. You'd laugh if you knew us both in real life 😆🙈

Quite out of hand !!! 😂 😂
Jesus OP , hope you’ve looked into a good divorce solicitor 🤣 …
I read the posts here sometimes, & I think what are some of these people like to be married to !
Not a lot of fun I’d safely say 😂

I had my colours done at a very naff school mums thing but it has changed how I think about my clothes - instead of gravitating twards grey or navy cashmere (classy and safe, I thought) I'm grabbing red, cornflower blue, bright pink plain tops - the colour itself is sexy and enlivening, even though I am still wearing the plain shapes and styles I've always liked. I feel way younger and fresher.

I like Colourful Standard/Arket/Cos for bright, simple stuff that looks younger and is easily wearable.

I feel that a lot of men aren't very aware of fashion trends and changes.... partly cos men's fashion doesn't generally change so much as compared to women's. Women's fashion targets us with whatever the latest new thing is, and so it tells us that older styles are dated - all a trap to get us to spend more money, but anyway that's another topic for discussion! And many of us enjoy following fashion anyway.
My main point leading from this is - due to (most) men being less clued-in to what is fashionable for us, they do get stuck in the past, and as you OP and previous posters have pointed out, these men often subconsciously hark back to a time that they enjoyed and generally found us attractive. I'm older than you, so my DP still seems to think I should be in 1990s trends as that's when he first met me and when we had more fun! (Luckily, that was so long ago that some of it has come back round, lol.)
It sound like you and he have a good relationship. OP, and I'm sure if you get your confidence back and find some clothes that make you feel good, then he will see you for the gorgeous person that you are! x

Phase 8. M&S. Joe Browns all have some really nice comfortable pieces. I tend to focus on the bits of me I really like (boobs) and find stuff that's flattering and comfortable

It sounds to me as if he might prefer it if you looked a bit more pulled together. Take a look at the White Company website - they sell a lot of relaxed styles that are also quite attractive and easy/forgiving. I used to buy clothes there quite often when my children were small (and they have good sales). It’s not exactly the look he’s described, but could be a middle ground that would work (you’d need to
mix it with other things, as they don’t sell a lot of colour).

Skirts and dresses are much more effective at hiding big thighs than trousers. It seems so obvious to me but there's this weird belief that jeans suit everyone. Spoiler alert: They really don't.

Good luck with trying The Skirt Way😄

(I wish I still had a waist...)

Your DH sounds like a gem. ❤

Well done OP for defending your DH.

No wonder there's so much divorce when couples can't be open with each other.

If DH started wearing skinny jeans or something that didn't suit him, I'd say, and he does the same.

Trying on a bunch of clothes in John Lewis, M&S or Zara is what I do when in a rut. Make an afternoon of it.

Ha ha which way around for the Birkenstocks - as giving them up would be grounds in my book!

Shut up. Really? Are you serious?. She has to change because he still has a version of her in his head before the kids? So you want to enable this?
He needs to realise she is mum and wife. Not some fantasy he is craving from before.
Maybe she should follow up with. Actually I don't like how your still stuck on the "what was" instead of moving with me

I wouldn’t change what I wear but also wouldn’t stay with someone he didn’t find me attractive.
You have put on weight but are wearing barrel jeans that even make sticking thin people look overweight, baggy clothing adds stones.

Is allowing your husband to dictate how you dress going to solve the issues? I wouldn’t find middle ground at all, he sounds as shallow as a shower tray to be honest, dress how you want to dress and how you feel comfortable, if I was changing anything, it would be the husband!

How about doing a personal shopper type thing? Lot of the big department stores do that for free, take him with if he’s up for it? Friend did this after having kids more as a treat day out but she said it was great, the store picked out a lot of outfits she wouldn’t have normally looked at.

I'm with you OP, there's absolutely nothing wrong in buying some clothes you both like! And I'm firmly in the buy new underwear camp too, it makes such a difference to clothes, especially if your weight has been changing. And theres nothing wrong with buying knickers that match the new bra either. A dress is the height of easy dressing, pull it on and you are done. Enjoy the personal shopper. One thing I have started to do that you might want to consider for the long term: I've started making a list of things that I would like, would fill in gaps in my wardrobe, and so on, then deliberately looking for those things. So this year: trench coat in navy, two fitted white t shirts with 3/4 sleeves, new bra, wide leg trousers with elastic waist. Not your list of course but I hope it gives you the idea. Enjoy your clothes. 😃

I don’t know why you quoted my post from a week ago and ignored all the other posts saying similar things
no she doesn’t have to
however if I know my DP likes a particular dress or style AND I’m comfortable in it, of course I’ll wear it for a night out or whatever
mine happens to like a maxi dress on me, its not much effort for me to wear it