Husband "hates all my clothes"

[KizzyA]

My husband and I had a heart to heart yesterday. We have issues but we've decided to try and work on them. One of the things that came up - that I'm now totally fixated on - is that he "hates" all my clothes.

I've had two babies in the past 3.5 years, I've gained weight. I probably dress more covered up than I used to but I also like colour, the more modern boxy shapes and things like barrel jeans (marmite, i know!) I mostly wear barrel jeans and a plain tshirt, birkenstock style sandals, that kind of thing. He said I look 'mumsy' (duh).

I asked him to send me some things he would like to see me wear, and they are things that I hate / know wouldn't suit me. Skinny jeans, awful black capri pants, the best was a pair of very tailored dark blue jeans - but they don't look comfortable for running around after the babies, walking the dog, etc ! To me, it looks outdated and 2000s style.

I'm not going to change the way I dress for him, and he said he doesn't in any way expect me to, but I now feel even more unattractive to my husband than I did before. I'd like to find a middle ground - something I like and that he likes too. The best I could find was those Starlight Nobodys Child dresses. Anybody have any ideas? In need of some inspiration and ideas 🙏

OP has already stated they going for couples counselling.

The "hate your clothes" stuff was the last five mins of a very long conversation that ended in us deciding on some big changes including couples counselling, more time for ourselves etc. He really didn't say it in a bad way, just a 'whilst we're here having this brutally honest convo' kind of way... In the same conversation I told him I'm not physically attracted to him right now. It was a serious, make or break kind of thing where we aired everything. Hes doing a lot to save our marriage. The least I thought i could do is buy a few new outfits that make both myself and him smile 😄

Thank you ! ❤️

Oh dear.

Your clothes are not the problem. I can guarantee they're not.

'Clothes' is code for something else.

I suspect you know this too OP.

What is it code for? I’m learning all the time, me.

No, thank you, that's a good decision!

I think also try to go for ‘big shirt/little pants’ or ‘little shirt/big pants’ as in don’t go baggy on both halves (I think only teens/early 20s can get away with that look!). So maybe cami/tank plus loose (linen?) trousers, or boxy t shirt plus leggings.

Ok, treat yourself to some new outfits and I hope the counselling helps.
You've 2 very young children, it's tough, you've got to be on each other's side.

Please expand?

@Utterlyconfusednow
I dunno- her size, how their relationship has changed, how her priorities may have changed.
I'd bet my car he said 'clothes' because he couldn't or wouldn't say what he's actually thinking. And look how marvellously it's worked- OP is tying herself in knots trying to be what he wants.

So Clothes are code for Size?

I'm a size 14, bigger boobs and thighs, definitely a hourglass. I used to be a size 10 before kids. I'm short - 5'1.

Start with the underneath - some new bras that fit really well and give lots of support and uplift. Go for a professional fitting - or better more than one in different shops because sadly some fitters are not great at their job.

The bras will feel tight around the band, as they should. Which means if you are carrying extra weight then you will most likely get fat rolls on your back caused by the tight band. So step two is tee-shirts that fit properly.
The tee-shirts have to be 100% cotton, so that they don't cling. (Far too many tees are cheap synthetic fabrics that cling and get way too hot).
They should stretch very slightly over the bust, and just 'skim' the tummy and back without clinging and showing all the lumps and bumps.
If you can't get 100% cotton, size up so that they don't cling so badly.
Go for a V-neck or scoop neck, to make the most of your bust. Don't wear a crew or high boat neck.

When the top half is properly showing off your bust and hiding the fat as much as possible, then move onto the lower half.

Go for nipped in waist, but stretchy fabrics to be comfortable for moving and bending. A good quality stretch denim will allow you to move, but make sure it fits the waist and doesn't 'gap' in the small of your back - it must be a 'female' cut not a man's shape.
Wide legs are fine - he won't mind wide legs if he can see your waist shape.
Flared skirts and dresses with a belt or fitted waist are also a good choice - again, an elasticated waist will give maximum comfort, but make sure it fits closely over the top part of your hips, not massively gathered at the waist and bunching out over the hips.
Go for a length that stops at the back of the knee, or goes nearly to your ankles. If it stops mid-calf, that is the widest part of your lower leg and makes your legs look fatter from the back.
If necessary, find a local seamstress who can take up a hem, or do it yourself with iron-on hemming tape.

Finally, the feet. Birkenstocks are not really very sexy. Find some pretty sandals, or perhaps fashionable trainers, or ankle boots. (Ankle boots are fine in summer for cooler days.)

In previous comments I've said I was brutally honest in the same conversation and said I wasn't attracted to him at the moment and at times didn't want to have sex with him. In that scenario, he would have been fine to say he was feeling the same. It wasn't an argument, we were hugging and crying and laughing with each other. He insisted in fact he wants me to feel more confident because he is attracted to me, wants more sex, and loves me still. But my clothes aren't particularly showing that off. If anything it is completely the opposite of what you are saying. Everyone is very insistent on shooting him down when they weren't even there.

And I'm absolutely not "tying myself in knots". I posted on mumsnet for some suggestions of styles and brands that might please us both ! Hardly a whole load of effort in comparison to what hes doing ffs.

I believe it’s a form of confirmation bias but I’m sure most will disagree,

Okay, with those bottoms, I guess you'd wear with something loose normally? Why not try them with a racer back vest instead? It's more fitted, the shape is a little 'sexy', but it's just a comfy vest top.
The denim skirt is an easy one to look more fitted in- a belt, a tucked it t-shirt, or for an evening a more formal top.
And maybe try some of your looser tops with a satin bias cut skirt, they're easy to wear, but look like you've made an effort.

Thank you SO MUCH for writing this all out so well step by step!! Its so useful and I'll definitely be following in detail! Thank you!!

Anything that highlights your waist is a good option. It doesn’t necessarily have to be uncomfortable, but I do think they’re a bit harder to find depending on the fashion cycle - A line dresses are great, but I struggle to find A line dresses in the length I prefer (midi). Slip skirts are great too and super easy to put on quickly, I’ve been living on them. I’ve just accepted I don’t have the figure I used to.

Ill try find some examples of what I’m on about.

I’m 5’2 and a size 12/14 and was feeling really blaaa about what I was wearing, particularly in terms of trousers. Someone on here recommended these New Look Jeans https://www.newlook.com/uk/womens/clothing/jeans/blue-adalae-high-waisted-wide-leg-jeans/p/913612440 and despite not having been in a New Look for about 20 years I gave them a go and they’re absolutely brilliant. Especially for short apples!

I wear them with this top https://www.newlook.com/uk/womens/clothing/tops/pink-puff-sleeve-knit-top/p/910904470

and trainers/birkenstocks and generally get compliments. I’ve got a tummy but have embraced the French tuck to sort of be a bit more modern without showing off more tummy than I’m happy with.

I’ve also just bought these dresses from Crew Clothing

https://www.crewclothing.co.uk/womens/clothing-and-accessories/womens-dresses-and-skirts/flora-twistdetail-jersey-dress-teal-wwj190/

https://www.crewclothing.co.uk/womens/clothing-and-accessories/womens-dresses-and-skirts/kate-cotton-cloth-dress-blue-wwj016/

Which I feel good in and are comfy and flattering.

Another favourite outfit is ankle length linen trousers from Hush with a striped V-neck T-shirt from Zara. I can’t find the basic V-neck on the Zara website but it looks like https://www.cos.com/en-gb/women/womenswear/tshirts/vnecktshirts/product/v-neck-cotton-t-shirt-white-striped-1277147005?utm_campaign=cos_gb__conversion___transaction_google_shopping_brand-catchall___precis&country=gb&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=21606528684&gbraid=0AAAAAC4nStGB6aQzfSE67oIxX-RFi7c3c&gclid=Cj0KCQjwmqPDBhCAARIsADorxIYy2UC9ff1x2ym_39hkkzokj_JyZsZvNewjzBUtmxvugC99xVTn6tsaAhV7EALw_wcB

It’s not necessarily the cutting edge of fashion I realise but I feel like I look ok without being uncomfortable or swamped by my clothes.

That's really useful, practical advice. Thank you. Definitely wouldn't think of putting them with a racer back... I do usually wear everything with a loose cotton style top ... like this...

https://www.next.co.uk/style/su490129/am2943#am2943

I have a couple of bias cut silk skirts I will definitely try wearing them a bit more ! Tucked in or out?

I used to love clothes. Now I feel so lost!

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond! I'll definitely look at those jeans, and the blue dress is lovely... thank you!

When I was feeling adrift post babies a good friend took me shopping and ferried clothes in and out of the changing room until I had tried on just about everything in my size.

It was such a simple thing, but it restored my confidence. She made me try on everything, regardless and I realised that I’d sort of boxed myself in to a frumpy, mumsie, covered up look. And I just hadn’t had enough experience in a new and different body to know what worked and what didn’t.

A few years later I did a session with a personal shopper, which was good, but in all honesty that morning with my friend was far more helpful and £££ cheaper.

I have a very basic rule. Tight on top, loose on the bottom and vice versa. Eg loose shirt with skinny jeans. more fitted shirt with comfier bottoms. Seems to balance things out.

Birks are fine too but again I like to balance them out with a more elegant outfit for a more fun factor. Also I’ve Birks now come in some fun styles. Have a look at the rivet Birks.

Why don't you look at some websites or style instas (for brands/celebs you like, i.e. showing trends that you'd actually wear) together, and

in relation to 'tighter' clothes that are still fashionable - I've lost a little bit of weight (about 1 size) but have been wearing my old jeans and baggy t shirts for ages. Finally bought a new pair and it is amazing how much better a good fitting pair look - they are still baggy style (loose fit mom jeans) but with a tight vest top or very slightly cropped tee, show your figure a bit - even though I'm still wearing pretty much the same outfit (plain t shirt and jeans) it's mad how much difference tiny changes can make.

@KizzyA maybe try these tricks rather than tucking into the skirt?
https://pin.it/4QYA4a8Pt

Is this sort of look something you think he'd find attractive? And something you could compromise on? (Colour not necessarily what I would choose, but thinking shape)