He admitted he doesn’t like giving oral sex.

[HLamarr]

Been together 1.5 years - at the start he gave it to me a normal amount. Used to joke about being out of practice and needing to get practice in, I was happy to oblige. In truth he wasn’t great at it but I’ll take average cunnilingus that can be improved to none..,

About six months ago, this dwindled to only when I ask for it. I spoke to him, said I’d love him to initiate sometimes and he claimed to like it just as much as other acts. He makes me orgasm from fingering, only this and oral can achieve this for me.

After this, he still didn’t initiate unless I asked for it. Lately we’ve been having more sex than usual where I am giving him more oral than ever. I asked him why he’s not reciprocating?

His response shocked me. He said he has to be in an overwhelmingly passionate mood to do it - so he isn’t when we have sex normally?? That it does nothing for him personally. And said I don’t need to give loads of blowjobs if reciprocation is bothering me.

It upset me so much to hear this. I love him but I am not sure I can get past this, it’s an important part of sex for me. He isn’t selfish normally and his response was.

The day after this talk he went down on me and I orgasmed but of course now I know he doesn’t really want to be there…

How is it selfish to express a preference?

Selfish to tell me he doesn’t do it due to getting nothing out of it personally.

selfish to claim he liked it 6 months ago and at the start - I feel he lied.

If he doesn't want to do it, he doesn't want to do it. You can't pressure him into going down on you, imagine if the roles were reversed!! You need to accept he doesn't want to, and then decide if that's a deal breaker for you. But it's also totally normal to not always feel overwhelmed with passion when having sex - are you quite young?

@Springadorable im not quite young. I’m early 30s.

The relationship is otherwise happy and we have been planning for the future. But I feel frustrated about this aspect.

I don’t think I can face a lifetime of not doing this with a partner when it brings me so much pleasure and satisfaction. It would seem stupid to break up over it but this is my dilemma.

He’s not being selfish but equally you don’t have to stay in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy.

Well you need to weigh up if you can continue to have sex and a relationship with him without becoming resentful about the lack of oral sex. As that will destroy your relationship regardless if you are.

FFS! Grow up. He shouldn't feel pressurised into this.

Stop giving him blow jobs. Stop all oral sex. See how that goes for him.

I don’t like it either, both. You can either put up or leave. It’s that simple.

YABU, it’s not selfish to express that you don’t enjoy doing something sexually, and you shouldn’t be putting any pressure on anyone to do something they don’t want to do.

I despise giving oral sex. I told my DH when I met him that I would never give him a blow job.

He was fine with it and we have been happily together for 11 years.

I would never be with someone who could lay back and enjoy a sexual act, knowing I am not enjoying doing it.

There's many other ways to enjoy and express intimacy if you are creative.

Consent should be enthusiastic and not coercive. Someone feeling guilt or shame isn't properly consenting.

Oral sex is seen as something expected and something you "just have to do". I can see why he felt he needed to do it in the beginning.

I was very forthright with my DH, but not everyone is brave enough to admit they don't enjoy something.

But... It is valid if this is a deal breaker for you. If you genuinely can't imagine a life without oral sex, then you need to end the relationship.

If you whinge and moan and expect him to continue then that is unacceptable.

I don’t think he’s the man for you. He’s been honest, but do you want a relationship with him now?

i give oral sex because I enjoy it. I would not do it if I did not enjoy it.

Unfortunately you do need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you.

I wouldn’t be pressured into performing a sex act I didn’t enjoy. Iyou do get to decide if it’s a deal breaker. I wouldn’t be with a bloke who felt anal/ of pegging was an important part of sex as just not for me. It is irritating that he want honest at the start though, perhaps he hadn’t done it much previously and thought he’d enjoy it with an enthusiastic partner?

How is he being selfish? If anything, you’re being selfish for expecting your partner to do something that he doesn’t enjoy. A man would be torn to shreds on here if the sexes were reversed.

I don’t know. I still love him and think he’s wonderful otherwise. I wish I didn’t care but I very much do.

Also to those ‘how is he being selfish’ - because it took him 18 months to be honest about this!! He was not up front and gave the impression of wanting to do it.

He has also been asking ME for blowjobs more than ever.

You are not unreasonable for feeling like he deceived you but that does translate to him having to go down on you. Any sexual act not freely performed/given is coercion at best and assault at worst.

you are both allowed to have sexual preferences but that doesn’t mean either of you needs to participate in any sexual act. You may not be compatible.

He’s not being selfish at all. I couldn’t lie there and enjoy myself knowing my partner wasn’t enjoying it too. Have you thought about introducing sex toys in lieu of oral sex?! You can get ones which replicate the action of oral sex

If a man posted on here how much he liked blow jobs, and his partner wouldn’t oblige, you’d be outraged - it’s her choice, he can’t dictate, etc etc.

This is exactly the same.

Sexual incompatibility doesn't mean either of you are in the wrong. It's OK for you to need oral sex. It's OK for him not to want to give it.

Not liking it is a grey area. It doesn't sound like it's something he ever craves to do but at the same time he's not totally averse to doing it. I think in every relationship there are things one partner might enjoy more than the other, and the other is OK with doing them every so often. Big difference between that and sexual acts which are absolute no-gos - no one should have to do those.

You can either find some sort of compromise - he'll give you oral every so often but you can't expect it every time. Or if you're not happy with that (which is your right) you accept you need to separate.

Here’s the drip feed!

Honestly, I'd feel exactly the same as you! It's something that's an important part of sex to me, and if someone wasn't into it, of course that's their feelings and there's nothing wrong with them having a preference - but that would be the end of us.

You can leave a relationship for whatever reason you want.

It's OK for both men and women to want oral sex in a relationship!

I'm not sure why sexual incompatibility leads to such a blame game and accusations of selfishness. Two people don't get off on the same thing - either compromise or separate. (And ideally this is all discovered relatively early on.)

I think this would be a deal breaker for me but I really like giving and receiving oral sex and I can take or leave penetrative sex. I wouldn't be bothered if that was off the table in a relationship but oral sex was still on the cards. I've had a similar relationship in the past where it turned out he didn't like going down, so we stopped and eventually it became a sexless relationship and we ultimately went our separate ways. I think knowing now that it's important to me I wouldn't compromise and would end a relationship over the lack of compatibility before it grew resentment.