Page 6 | He admitted he doesn’t like giving oral sex.

HLamarr · 2025-04-25T08:14:57+00:00

Been together 1.5 years - at the start he gave it to me a normal amount. Used to joke about being out of practice and needing to get practice in, I was happy to oblige. In truth he wasn’t great at it but I’ll take average cunnilingus that can be improved to none.., About six months ago, this dwindled to only when I ask for it. I spoke to him, said I’d love him to initiate sometimes and he claimed to like it just as much as other acts. He makes me orgasm from fingering, only this and oral can achieve this for me. After this, he still didn’t initiate unless I asked for it. Lately we’ve been having more sex than usual where I am giving him more oral than ever. I asked him why he’s not reciprocating? His response shocked me. He said he has to be in an overwhelmingly passionate mood to do it - so he isn’t when we have sex normally?? That it does nothing for him personally. And said I don’t need to give loads of blowjobs if reciprocation is bothering me. It upset me so much to hear this. I love him but I am not sure I can get past this, it’s an important part of sex for me. He isn’t selfish normally and his response was. The day after this talk he went down on me and I orgasmed but of course now I know he doesn’t really want to be there…

EmeraldShamrock000 · 25/04/2025 13:37

DH did at the beginning too, I've never really enjoyed it with anyone, it feels weird for me having a face in my vulva.

I enjoy giving but not receiving.

JackieDaytonaLuckyBrews · 25/04/2025 13:39

EmeraldShamrock000 · 25/04/2025 13:37

DH did at the beginning too, I've never really enjoyed it with anyone, it feels weird for me having a face in my vulva.

I enjoy giving but not receiving.

Me too.
I feel so uncomfortable receiving and I don't like the sensation at all. More than happy to give DH blow jobs.

JHound · 25/04/2025 13:40

pinkdelight · 25/04/2025 11:51

Also to those ‘how is he being selfish’ - because it took him 18 months to be honest about this!! He was not up front and gave the impression of wanting to do it.

I don't get this take at all - it's pretty standard to go all out at the start of relationships and do things that tail off as you relax around each other and can be more yourself. Early days of most relationships are wilder in the sack, and you make more effort in many ways to be who your partner wants you to be, before coming through that phase and finding out who you are within the longer-term couple. It's not duplicitous. Few of us have the self-knowledge and confidence - and indeed pretty hardcore stance - of the PP who said she told her DP from the off that she'd never give him a BJ. Most of us are open to things and will do things that we're not wild about because they please our partners, but after a while if we really aren't into it, we'll start to assert that more so it's not a fulfilling a duty and we can not do the thing we don't like, and isn't essential.

I personally don't like getting oral, so your comment about - why wouldn't anyone enjoy having their face in my vagina? - doesn't resonate with me at all. I certainly wouldn't want to put my face in anyone's vagina. I know my DP does like it more, but he knows I'm not into it so he goes without and that's fine. I did let him early on and no doubt made out that I was enjoying it, but I thankfully don't have to do that now and can focus on stuff I actually like. I'm okay with BJs but a bit like your DP, I have to be really in the mood to initiate one and wouldn't do it just to please DP, and I don't swallow any more though again no doubt I used to when we started out.

All of which to say, don't overplay this dishonesty thing - it feels like a reach to obtain some moral highground and make him out to have been sneaky somehow, when it's a perfectly standard progression after 18 months. And we're all capable of being selfish about what kind of sex we want to give and take, so it's about finding a balance of what we need to get off vs what our DPs enjoy. I definitely couldn't enjoy oral if I knew my DP didn't like it, and it sounds like you can come in other ways so I'd focus on those if you want to stay together. But if oral is a make or break issue for you, then I'd go find someone more into it. There isn't really a way forward that involves you getting oral from him because your pleasure matters more than his dislike. The fact that he's happy to forgo BJs, even though he clearly likes them, tells you all you need to know about how much he's not into giving oral, so I'd take that on board and make your choice.

It is a bit unfair to present something at the start of a relationship that you have no intention continuing once the person is emotionally invested and they find it harder to leave you.

JifNtGif · 25/04/2025 13:41

Pop this whole thread on the sex forum pls! I don't want cunnilingus description all around Mumsnet willy nilly. It kind of lingers.

JHound · 25/04/2025 13:46

Salad666 · 25/04/2025 12:22

If this was reversed the man would be told he's disgusting and the woman doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want and it's fucking pathetic to break up with someone over.

Also let me point out that you said you ask and he does it but you want him to initiate but it seems that he is also asking for a BJ.. so so you initiate that without being asked? If so that's your choice to do so, his choice is to not.

You're selfish imo. Not him. If you're imagining an ex and other people then you need to let him to be free to find someone that actually wants to be with him and doesn't think about an ex because they gave fucking oral all the time.

Absolutely pathetic.

How do you know our views would be different?

My advice to a man would be the same: she does not have to do something she does not wish you to do and he is not required to remain in a relationship where his needs are not being met.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 25/04/2025 13:56

JifNtGif · 25/04/2025 13:41

Pop this whole thread on the sex forum pls! I don't want cunnilingus description all around Mumsnet willy nilly. It kind of lingers.

What? 😂

JifNtGif · 25/04/2025 13:57

Bumblebeestiltskin · 25/04/2025 13:56

What? 😂

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You heard me.

researchers3 · 25/04/2025 14:07

justasking111 · 25/04/2025 10:22

Exactly

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Its not the point. He has misled the OP and now she loves him and has committed to him, only now is he being honest.

It's sneaky/sly.

Purplesy · 25/04/2025 14:11

Agree with above.
What else has he lied/misled OP about?

pinkdelight · 25/04/2025 14:24

namechangeGOT · 25/04/2025 12:01

@pinkdelightIf you or anyone else has their face in someone’s vagina, they’re doing it wrong! Not to mention how extremely hard it would be to get their face in the vagina.

I was using the OP's words and we all know what was meant, but thanks, I did get my GCSE Human Biology already.

pinkdelight · 25/04/2025 14:28

JHound · 25/04/2025 13:40

It is a bit unfair to present something at the start of a relationship that you have no intention continuing once the person is emotionally invested and they find it harder to leave you.

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I disagree - as I said, it's pretty normal and how relationships often evolve. It's not about duplicity and unfairness, it's not some charade, it's about how people are as they get to know each other and know themselves and how they are together. Honestly, when I think of the sexpot I was in the first year or so versus how I am now, my DH could have got 'emotionally invested' in a lifetime of BJs, outdoor kneetremblers, anal, and all kinds of fun and games, but thankfully he was fine with the relationship maturing into a more sustainable shag menu.

JHound · 25/04/2025 14:37

pinkdelight · 25/04/2025 14:28

I disagree - as I said, it's pretty normal and how relationships often evolve. It's not about duplicity and unfairness, it's not some charade, it's about how people are as they get to know each other and know themselves and how they are together. Honestly, when I think of the sexpot I was in the first year or so versus how I am now, my DH could have got 'emotionally invested' in a lifetime of BJs, outdoor kneetremblers, anal, and all kinds of fun and games, but thankfully he was fine with the relationship maturing into a more sustainable shag menu.

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We have to agree to disagree.

I would never and have never presented myself as one thing and 18 months down the line become something else.

If there is anything I feel uncomfortable with sexually they will know that from the very beginning and can decide whether to continue or not.

Her has basically wasted both their time for 18 months when they could have been with other people.

It’s not like over time his mind changed

Flytrap01 · 25/04/2025 14:41

holy trinity, thats one of the main love making aspects i love, although after a while it can hurt my jaw @HLamarr

ItGhoul · 25/04/2025 14:53

Stravaig · 25/04/2025 13:16

I think you're using the word 'squeamish' inaccurately; it's irrelevant, or at best judgemental, when applied to sex.

I choose an activity I enjoy, let's say vaginal sex, over an activity I don't enjoy, giving or receiving oral sex. That's not squeamish, it's pleasure-seeking. You call it 'squeamish' because it's different to what you like and need. Different is the word. Just different.

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I think you're greatly misunderstanding how much I give a shit about what random strangers like in bed. I don't care two hoots whether you like oral sex or not. You do you. It's not wrong or right.

I do, however, care whether the people I sleep with like oral sex and I find it a colossal turn-off if they're not into it. That's all.

StarlightLady · 25/04/2025 15:06

OP, l am older than you and this would be a dealbreaker for me. Of course nobody should do what they don’t want to do, but he had not been honest with you from the outset. It seems he is expecting a lot but not prepared to give a lot.

l enjoy penetration greatly, but for me oral is the jewel in the crown. In the past on MN l have been called “shitty” because l’ve said that l would not entertain anyone in the bedroom who was not prepared to go down on me; there is a little conversation to be had first. I’m happy to reciprocate and swallow. If the passion is not there for him, it is likely to get worse in the future.

I’ll now sit back and get shot down in flames. Good luck OP. x

ItGhoul · 25/04/2025 15:27

pinkdelight · 25/04/2025 14:28

I disagree - as I said, it's pretty normal and how relationships often evolve. It's not about duplicity and unfairness, it's not some charade, it's about how people are as they get to know each other and know themselves and how they are together. Honestly, when I think of the sexpot I was in the first year or so versus how I am now, my DH could have got 'emotionally invested' in a lifetime of BJs, outdoor kneetremblers, anal, and all kinds of fun and games, but thankfully he was fine with the relationship maturing into a more sustainable shag menu.

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I'm glad that worked out fine for you. But for a lot of couples, one person suddenly taking various sexual practices off the menu would be a problem. It works fine if both partners aren't really bothered about 'all kinds of fun and games' after 12 months of a relationship, but if one person needs it for a happy sex life, that's going to cause exactly the problem that the OP now has.

Getting to know each other in bed and the relationship evolving as you find out what you enjoy together is one thing, and like you say, not duplicitous. I'm sure plenty of couples happily settle into a less varied or adventurous sex life as the relationship goes on, and I'm plenty of couples happily get a lot more varied and adventurous together as they go on too.

But doing something you don't actually like for a year because you're trying to impress a new partner, and then deciding that once the relationship's established you're not doing it any more is very different, and I think that's what the OP's boyfriend has done here.

StarlightLady · 25/04/2025 15:35

gannett · 25/04/2025 12:21

Pretty sure that oral sex predates modern porn.

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Exactly this. Such images were carved in stone in ancient Roman and Greek bathhouses.

TrainGame · 25/04/2025 15:36

Exasperated24 · 25/04/2025 12:48

I’m shocked you could happily orgasm from him giving you oral AFTER he’d told you he doesn’t like it.

so you led there, thinking of England, not caring that your partner didn’t really want to be doing it and you still came. Now that’s the epitome of selfishness.

I don’t agree with this she’s given him multiple blow jobs so he owes her big time but I couldn’t have had anyone anywhere near me who had told me they found it icky.

I have too much pride and self respect to get off on someone else’s work when they don’t really want to be there.

Love me, love all of me or fuck off.

However I understand the OP’s dilemma. Finding any sort of decent man these days seems like a harder task than ever.

Flytrap01 · 25/04/2025 15:46

StarlightLady · 25/04/2025 15:35

Exactly this. Such images were carved in stone in ancient Roman and Greek bathhouses.

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people seem, to forget all the roman and greek orgys etc

Flytrap01 · 25/04/2025 15:48

Ammadam · 25/04/2025 12:11

I've never enjoyed giving a blow job.

It definitely has become an "expected thing" in western society.

From porn.

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nah the romans , greeks etc got their first

ItGhoul · 25/04/2025 15:53

I think the women saying 'Well, I wouldn't want to put my face near someone's vagina', as if that somehow explains why a man wouldn't like it, are perhaps misunderstanding how heterosexual attraction works. If you're a straight woman, of course you're unlikely to want to get up close and personal with other women's fannies, FFS. Neither am I, but that's not because fannies are somehow intrinsically gross, it's just because I'm not attracted to women. Men who are attracted to women are, in general, going to be a lot keener on getting acquainted with fannies than you are.

Of course men aren't obliged to enjoy giving women oral sex. If they don't, they don't. Fair enough. But that's got nothing to do with the reasons a straight woman wouldn't want to have a go at it.

Annialisting · 25/04/2025 15:57

ItGhoul · 25/04/2025 15:53

I think the women saying 'Well, I wouldn't want to put my face near someone's vagina', as if that somehow explains why a man wouldn't like it, are perhaps misunderstanding how heterosexual attraction works. If you're a straight woman, of course you're unlikely to want to get up close and personal with other women's fannies, FFS. Neither am I, but that's not because fannies are somehow intrinsically gross, it's just because I'm not attracted to women. Men who are attracted to women are, in general, going to be a lot keener on getting acquainted with fannies than you are.

Of course men aren't obliged to enjoy giving women oral sex. If they don't, they don't. Fair enough. But that's got nothing to do with the reasons a straight woman wouldn't want to have a go at it.

To be honest, I’m absolutely heterosexual but I don’t want my face close up and personal with any genitals.

StarlightLady · 25/04/2025 16:00

ItGhoul · 25/04/2025 15:53

I think the women saying 'Well, I wouldn't want to put my face near someone's vagina', as if that somehow explains why a man wouldn't like it, are perhaps misunderstanding how heterosexual attraction works. If you're a straight woman, of course you're unlikely to want to get up close and personal with other women's fannies, FFS. Neither am I, but that's not because fannies are somehow intrinsically gross, it's just because I'm not attracted to women. Men who are attracted to women are, in general, going to be a lot keener on getting acquainted with fannies than you are.

Of course men aren't obliged to enjoy giving women oral sex. If they don't, they don't. Fair enough. But that's got nothing to do with the reasons a straight woman wouldn't want to have a go at it.

I’d like to add to this as a bi female and to those suggesting it’s somehow dirty. Notwithstanding the fact that he was doing it in the past and she is giving regular blowies.

When you do a wee or a poo, you wipe using paper with your hands. You eat with the same hands! Simple solution, you wash! It really is that simple.

Cherrytree86 · 25/04/2025 16:05

JifNtGif · 25/04/2025 13:57

You heard me.

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@JifNtGif

lol who do you think you are??

JHound · 25/04/2025 16:12

I'm sure plenty of couples happily settle into a less varied or adventurous sex life as the relationship goes on, and I'm plenty of couples happily get a lot more varied and adventurous together as they go on too.
But doing something you don't actually like for a year because you're trying to impress a new partner, and then deciding that once the relationship's established you're not doing it any more is very different, and I think that's what the OP's boyfriend has done here.

Exactly this.