He admitted he doesn’t like giving oral sex.

[HLamarr]

Been together 1.5 years - at the start he gave it to me a normal amount. Used to joke about being out of practice and needing to get practice in, I was happy to oblige. In truth he wasn’t great at it but I’ll take average cunnilingus that can be improved to none..,

About six months ago, this dwindled to only when I ask for it. I spoke to him, said I’d love him to initiate sometimes and he claimed to like it just as much as other acts. He makes me orgasm from fingering, only this and oral can achieve this for me.

After this, he still didn’t initiate unless I asked for it. Lately we’ve been having more sex than usual where I am giving him more oral than ever. I asked him why he’s not reciprocating?

His response shocked me. He said he has to be in an overwhelmingly passionate mood to do it - so he isn’t when we have sex normally?? That it does nothing for him personally. And said I don’t need to give loads of blowjobs if reciprocation is bothering me.

It upset me so much to hear this. I love him but I am not sure I can get past this, it’s an important part of sex for me. He isn’t selfish normally and his response was.

The day after this talk he went down on me and I orgasmed but of course now I know he doesn’t really want to be there…

It's actually really common for both men and women not to like performing oral sex. And more common than you'd think for people (more women but men too) not to like receiving it that much.

Pop culture, magazines etc like to give the impression that it is ubiquitous and "not normal" if people don't, but it actually used to be uncommon. My partner, who comes from another country, was quite surprised when he moved here as a young man, it wasn't often done where he came from and was considered to be something bad husbands demanded from their wives.

Not that means you shouldn't like it, OP, but I think sometimes we get the impression that it's just something we can see as an expectation, rather than something that some like and some don't. If you frame it as an expectation, that's when it becomes "selfish" not to do it.

I think it's over. Sexual incompatibility is not really something that can be solved. One person is always going to feel unsatisfied or shit about themselves. The other will feel guilty or pushed into doing things they don't want to do. Now the oral issue has been raised, OP will never forget it. I couldn't enjoy it anymore knowing my partner was doing something they didn't want to do. Total and immediate turn off. It sounds like lack of oral is a deal breaker, OP is already fantasising about other people....its done.

Arguably, he's been exceptionally unselfish, if he's been giving oral for the past 18 months because he knows you like/love/expect it, even though he doesn't really want to.

I don't like oral sex, giving or receiving. Once in a blue moon, I'll be in the mood to go down on a partner, if I know they'd really love me to. Similarly, once in a blue moon, I won't mind receiving, if they really want to. It's okay, just not my thing, and definitively not on a regular basis. So I know exactly what he means about the 'overwhelmingly passionate mood' and 'does nothing for me'.

It's just a preference, don't take it so personally. In a long relationship, sex is many things, and it is not all 'overwhelmingly passionate' all the time. Giggling at that tbh.

Ideally he'd have been clear from the start, so you wouldn't have been getting emotionally involved as well as sexually satisfied. However if often takes a while for people to open up and share all of themselves, including sexually. That's fine and normal. Or maybe he's been having more oral sex with you than he ever has before, so has only now realised he doesn't like it that much.

No partnership comes with guarantees. We all change, all the time, and we should always be paying attention to what is true right now. This change means he's no longer happy to do something, and you have to decide if you still want to continue the relationship, knowing that oral sex will rarely be a part of it.

It's the opposite of an excellent point. It's a weird blanket generalisation that is a poor reflection of how individual people's sexual tastes actually are (both men and women). It's really unhelpful to give sexual advice based on "most men are like THIS, most women are like THAT" because usually the dilemma is a result of one or the other not conforming to stereotype.

15% of women can orgasm from PIV sex. I would imagine the number of males is closer to 100.

I think he's been selfish to create the misapprehension that he likes it, as you would have made a different decision about being involved with him eitherwise.
Basically, he's misrepresented himself.

I would also find it hard to get past this, OP.

Like others have said, it depends if he feels actual revulsion or just doesn’t love doing it, but will for you every so often? Even so it’s not going to be the same as someone who can’t wait to do it.

It's not a stereotype.

It's a fact. The number of women who can orgasm from PIV alone is pretty low.

Taking away any medical issues or those who are porn sick, I have never known a man who can't orgasm from PIV.

It's just how our bodies are designed. No blanket generalisations, just facts.

That’s just not true! I absolutely LOVE giving my partner oral sex, in a multitude of different ways. Because it’s sexy and I love and get extremely aroused by seeing him laid out naked in front of me whilst I have total control over what I am doing. Love it or don’t. But it isn’t ‘gross’.

There are things I'll happily do for my partner that are just pretty neutral for me - they don't enhance my own enjoyment beyond knowing that my partner loves them, but I also don't find them unpleasant or uncomfortable in any way, and I don't mind doing them. I think that's part of being unselfish in the bedroom.

However, I wouldn't do something I actively disliked and found unpleasant or a turn-off, and I don't think anyone should feel they have to. But if there was something relatively run-of-the-mill that I really didn't want to do, I'd make it clear early on, in case it was a dealbreaker for the other person. And I do think your boyfriend should been honest with you right from the start.

I'll be honest - for me, it would absolutely be a dealbreaker if someone didn't like oral sex (giving or receiving). I'd be bored pretty quickly, and also, that sort of squeamishness is something I find fundamentally quite unattractive - no judgement on anyone who isn't keen, there's nothing wrong with that and we're all different, but someone who wasn't into it (again, that goes for receiving as well as giving) would just not be right for me, and I wouldn't be right for them either.

I love giving oral too! Very fond of giving and receiving oral sex.

Yes, no one is obliged to give oral. But you feel you were deceived by him for not being honest about it (yes, people can always change their minds too), and now that you really love him, you feel like you need to choose between him, and therefore never to receive passionate oral, and leaving him. Which you both don’t want to do.

It’s a tough decision to make. I feel for you.

He’s not being selfish, he’s telling you he doesn’t like something, and that’s fine

you now have to decide if you can live with that or not. If not leave and find someone else

Agreed.

Also, do people really not understand that there is more to sex than just reaching orgasm? Just because someone can come from PIV, that doesn't mean it's all they need for a fulfilling sex life, FFS. If all men and women needed/wanted from sex was just an orgasm, we'd all just be having a wank instead and not bothering. I know exactly what someone can do to make me come, but I'd be bored shitless if he didn't do anything else.

Well, you did say it’s gross and disgusting and does nothing for us. ‘Us’. Not ‘me’ or ‘some women’.

It’s sad when someone isn’t honest but everyone is on their best behaviour at the start and it’s around now or the two year mark that people start to show who they truly are.

To some extent I think you can tell who loves doing it vs those who don’t. Perhaps you’ve known for quite a while? Maybe for a long while…

If you don’t have kids yet but plan to, don’t expect the frequency of it to increase once you do… kids compromise your sex life and you find out then if you’re genuinely compatible but sadly it sounds like you probably aren’t.

No one can tell you where to compromise in your life… no one is going to have it all.

It’s sad that you aren’t more compatible in this area.

I really don’t see it as contradictory on his part to request blow jobs but not to desire giving the OP oral. From his perspective, the OP is sexually pleasing him in a way that is sexually stimulating for them both. She’s not compromising her own needs or desires. Surely a more fitting equivalent scenario would be him demanding she perform a sexual act on him that he know does nothing sexually for he?

Did OP ever say that she does, in fact, get sexual pleasure out of giving BJs?

Also to those ‘how is he being selfish’ - because it took him 18 months to be honest about this!! He was not up front and gave the impression of wanting to do it.

I don't get this take at all - it's pretty standard to go all out at the start of relationships and do things that tail off as you relax around each other and can be more yourself. Early days of most relationships are wilder in the sack, and you make more effort in many ways to be who your partner wants you to be, before coming through that phase and finding out who you are within the longer-term couple. It's not duplicitous. Few of us have the self-knowledge and confidence - and indeed pretty hardcore stance - of the PP who said she told her DP from the off that she'd never give him a BJ. Most of us are open to things and will do things that we're not wild about because they please our partners, but after a while if we really aren't into it, we'll start to assert that more so it's not a fulfilling a duty and we can not do the thing we don't like, and isn't essential.

I personally don't like getting oral, so your comment about - why wouldn't anyone enjoy having their face in my vagina? - doesn't resonate with me at all. I certainly wouldn't want to put my face in anyone's vagina. I know my DP does like it more, but he knows I'm not into it so he goes without and that's fine. I did let him early on and no doubt made out that I was enjoying it, but I thankfully don't have to do that now and can focus on stuff I actually like. I'm okay with BJs but a bit like your DP, I have to be really in the mood to initiate one and wouldn't do it just to please DP, and I don't swallow any more though again no doubt I used to when we started out.

All of which to say, don't overplay this dishonesty thing - it feels like a reach to obtain some moral highground and make him out to have been sneaky somehow, when it's a perfectly standard progression after 18 months. And we're all capable of being selfish about what kind of sex we want to give and take, so it's about finding a balance of what we need to get off vs what our DPs enjoy. I definitely couldn't enjoy oral if I knew my DP didn't like it, and it sounds like you can come in other ways so I'd focus on those if you want to stay together. But if oral is a make or break issue for you, then I'd go find someone more into it. There isn't really a way forward that involves you getting oral from him because your pleasure matters more than his dislike. The fact that he's happy to forgo BJs, even though he clearly likes them, tells you all you need to know about how much he's not into giving oral, so I'd take that on board and make your choice.

I absolutely hate oral sex. Giving and receiving. Are there many women who actually enjoy sucking on a penis? Be honest: really? I doubt it! It's not very nice, is it! It's gross and disgusting and does nothing for us, hey, Linda Lovelace's character wasn't real and was just the invention of a male

I absolutely LOVE giving blowjobs. I couldn't have a relationship with a man who didn't like getting them.

Fine if you don't like it, but it's not 'gross and disgusting' just because it doesn't happen to be your thing. Women who like it are not somehow just brainwashed by porn. Don't be ridiculous and don't imply (as you clearly are) that there's something weird or wrong or disgusting about loving it.

To answer your question, yes, there are many, many women who enjoy it. Erotic romance fiction written by and for women, and audio porn written by and listened to by women, features it far more often than not, and in great detail.

@pinkdelightIf you or anyone else has their face in someone’s vagina, they’re doing it wrong! Not to mention how extremely hard it would be to get their face in the vagina.

Ok. I’m assuming that if she didn’t like performing BJs then she would have mentioned it as it’s kind of relevant to her post isn’t it? And even if she didn’t, what would be pertinent would be if he had been aware of her dislike but was asking her to do it regardless.

It's interesting and a bit surprising on MN to see dislike of oral sex associated with 'squeamishness', instead of, for me, just not liking the physical sensations it creates.

In giving, having to work around a very sensitive gag reflex which makes it all but impossible. This is not specific to sex: swallowing large tablets or getting dental work done is a nightmare. In receiving, it over-sensitises everything, so requires stopping altogether. Plus a clitoral orgasm, for me, feels short, sharp, fleeting, sort of like the lab-manufactured chemical facsimile of a smell or taste, instead of the original out in nature. Instead of the long deep rolling waves of vaginal orgasm.

This is more information than I am usually comfortable sharing, but I dislike the inaccurate judgements that are so often made about not liking oral sex. We are all different, and we all get off in different ways doing different things; and rarely with any choice about how our bodies and brains are wired, or what those preferences are.

Most of us have never had a vaginal orgasm, so have no idea WTF you’re on about when you reference the deep waves of a vaginal orgasm. 85% of us have only had the fake-chemical-clitoral kind of orgasm you describe.

I don't like giving blowjobs. I don't like a lot about it.

It hurts my mouth and jaw. It takes ages it's boring .

But I do it because I think sometimes partnerships are about doing things you don't enjoy, for the other person.

So if I'm giving him blowjobs I expect him to give me oral sex.

If he doesn't, I'll stop the blowjobs

I've never enjoyed giving a blow job.

It definitely has become an "expected thing" in western society.

From porn.