He admitted he doesn’t like giving oral sex.

[HLamarr]

Been together 1.5 years - at the start he gave it to me a normal amount. Used to joke about being out of practice and needing to get practice in, I was happy to oblige. In truth he wasn’t great at it but I’ll take average cunnilingus that can be improved to none..,

About six months ago, this dwindled to only when I ask for it. I spoke to him, said I’d love him to initiate sometimes and he claimed to like it just as much as other acts. He makes me orgasm from fingering, only this and oral can achieve this for me.

After this, he still didn’t initiate unless I asked for it. Lately we’ve been having more sex than usual where I am giving him more oral than ever. I asked him why he’s not reciprocating?

His response shocked me. He said he has to be in an overwhelmingly passionate mood to do it - so he isn’t when we have sex normally?? That it does nothing for him personally. And said I don’t need to give loads of blowjobs if reciprocation is bothering me.

It upset me so much to hear this. I love him but I am not sure I can get past this, it’s an important part of sex for me. He isn’t selfish normally and his response was.

The day after this talk he went down on me and I orgasmed but of course now I know he doesn’t really want to be there…

"I despise giving oral sex. I told my DH when I met him that I would never give him a blow job."

Missing the point but I laughed all how all things would go every time you met someone new...
"Hi I'm Dave nice to meet you."
"I'm Sophie and I will never give you a blow job"
...

That’s totally unacceptable in the circumstances.

@gannett I think this is it - he isn’t averse but doesn’t enjoy doing it of his own accord. He always does it when I ask which is not often.

I could live with getting it every so often, but not never getting it. I think we need to have one more talk about it.

He also made the bold claim he didn’t think oral was very important in relationships. I let him know this was the least amount of oral I’ve had in a relationship and important to me. He seemed surprised to hear this was my experience!

I’ve had passionate keen lovers mostly. Except they have been hopeless at the other parts of a relationship he excels at…typical.

Also to those ‘how is he being selfish’ - because it took him 18 months to be honest about this!! He was not up front and gave the impression of wanting to do it.

maybe it’s just not a dealbreaker for him and he did it to please you? Seems like the opposite of selfishness - he’s listened to what you like, made it happen for you, and now you’re saying that’s not good enough because he’s set his feelings aside to serve you?

Yes I think so too. It has actually made me feel angry.

She’s already said he has said that’s fine.

Have you told him that?

And if you don't want to oblige when he ask then don't!

Have you posted about this before? There was someone who posted about their boyfriend not giving them enough oral sex a while ago and got the same advice you're now getting- if someone doesn't want to do a sexual act, that is their right.

I'd be honest and say as you can't finish through penetrative sex and he doesn't like giving oral, how does he see you having a mutually fulfilling sex life moving forward? Make him consider what this relationship is going to be like from your perspective. But it sounds like oral sex is a deal breaker so if you're in your 30s, just end it and move on - you potentially have another 30 years ahead with little to no oral otherwise.

Has she? Missed that - quite mixed messages from him the seening he's also been asking her for blow jobs more than ever.

He spent 18 months doing something he doesn’t really enjoy, just to please you, and that makes him the selfish one? Get over yourself.

I’d say thinking about leaving a great partner who you love, just because he doesn’t enjoy one specific sexual act is pretty selfish, tbh.

I told him it bothered me that I’d been giving so much and getting nothing in return. After each blow job he’s been telling me how good they are.

he said it was fine I didn’t want to give them but it wasn’t the response I was hoping dor
obviously! It’s clear he’d miss them if I stop.

Without a good sex life all you have is a friendship.

It's a very good reason to break up. If you aren't having satisfying sex then it's not really a romantic relationship.

I speak from experience.

@bridgetreilly this is why it is a genuine and difficult dilemma. Because I love him.

But staying with someone I love, and not having oral sex for the rest of time, is a huge deal for me.

How could you orgasm after he told you this?!

He is entitled to have preferences in sex of course..

HOWEVER I used to think oral sex is repulsive and I wouldn't give it to most partners I'd be ok with having PIV sex with until I met people where I craved giving them oral sex it. I didn't need to get to a certain level of arousal to do it, I just needed to really fancy the person, for PIV sex I didn't need the same level of attraction as oral sex.

So I wonder how much attraction is there between you. He might not be that into you or women in general. Bearing in mind I'm a woman who is very sensory sensitive so more things repulse me than other people but when I really fancy someone, I crave them in every way. I'm not just complying to appease them, I actually want them in my mouth and all their bodily fluids become addictive nectar to me.

YANBU. Early in the relationship he claimed to enjoy giving oral sex and initiated it regularly, but now that he's secure in the relationship and no longer trying to impress he's not interested. This leads me to question, does he actively dislike it or is it just too much effort and he can't be bothered? He hasn't actually said he dislikes it as such, just that it "doesn't do anything for him" which is interesting because early on in the relationship he was happy to focus on OP's pleasure and now less so. Does he think that every woman who gives regular blow jobs does so purely because it's a massive turn on for her? Sometimes it's nice to do things for your partner, and have them reciprocate.
Maybe he really doesn't like doing it. In which case, he shouldn't have lied and misrepresented himself early on in the relationship but he of course shouldn't be pressured to continue. But maybe he is just lazy and selfish in bed, which a lot of men are hence why studies have shown that straight women have the lowest rates of sexual satisfaction of any group.

He's not being selfish because he doesn't enjoy it - nobody should feel pressured - but he is selfish for pretending to for so long despite explicit conversations about it.

He isn’t selfish normally and his response was.

No, his response was NOT 'selfish'. Yours was. Having a preference is not 'selfish', it just....is. Just as preferring rock and roll over country music is not 'selfish'. It's just a preference. If he doesn't enjoy giving oral sex (who the f does?) then he doesn't enjoy it. That's it. You can't force him to enjoy doing something he doesn't enjoy doing.

I absolutely hate oral sex. Giving and receiving. Are there many women who actually enjoy sucking on a penis? Be honest: really? I doubt it! It's not very nice, is it! It's gross and disgusting and does nothing for us, hey, Linda Lovelace's character wasn't real and was just the invention of a male. It's a preference. I won't ever give it so would say no to receiving it. Just stop giving him blow jobs. Sorry but you are very unreasonable and very selfish.

Call me shallow as all hell - but I would struggle to be in a relationship with a man who did not like oral sex.

He would have to be pretty amazing in all other aspects for me to let that go.

Although it would mean never having to give another BJ.

I sort of agree with his ‘I have to be in a super passionate mood to want to do it’. That’s how I feel too. At the start of relationships with rose tinted glasses it’s fun and hot. Not so much in a long term relationship… unless in the right mood.
Sort of impressed he had the courage to actually say the truth out loud to you.
It is completely fair if it is a deal breaker for you, because we all have our own needs, wants and preferences.

@Elffyba This bothers me too.

In theory, he initiates sex (penetration and fingering) regularly, I don’t usually doubt attraction because he tells me I’m beautiful and I get boob/bum caresses often outside bed, but not wanting to have his face in my vagina feels like a rejection of my womanhood in some way.

OP time for a rethink.
He sounds selfish for wanting but not giving.

I think rethink long term with him if this is important to you.
You will become increasingly resentful.

I think he’s said it’s fine not to give blow jobs, but doesn’t expect this to actually be the case. I’d be tempted not to have the conversation for a few weeks, and wait. See if he brings up wanting a blow job or lack or oral. When he does, just tell him that you thought he agreed no oral and see if he back pedals.

I bet he doesn’t really intend that he never gets what he wants.

I do, very much so. Everyone is different.

I think it's about trust when you're vulnerable in sex and he's been pretending it makes you feel can I trust this person to be honest? Was he disgusted when I was enjoying it? It's a mind fuck. I'll be distracted and worried about his consent and enthusiasm, interpreting every flinch or expression as possible rejection or repulsion. It would break my trust that he took so long to say and now that I know it's possible to crave someone so much I would take it as a rejection of me, which is fine nobody owes me oral but I know this fundamentally runs deeper about attraction. When you fancy someone even their sweat smells good to you.

He’s being honest. Maybe his feelings re oral have changed. Peoples sexual preferences are what they are, trying to change them by any sort of emotional manipulation or seeing oral as a quid pro quo is really not ok. You, or he, have an absolute right to say No to any sexual practice you don’t want to participate in.