He admitted he doesn’t like giving oral sex.

[HLamarr]

Been together 1.5 years - at the start he gave it to me a normal amount. Used to joke about being out of practice and needing to get practice in, I was happy to oblige. In truth he wasn’t great at it but I’ll take average cunnilingus that can be improved to none..,

About six months ago, this dwindled to only when I ask for it. I spoke to him, said I’d love him to initiate sometimes and he claimed to like it just as much as other acts. He makes me orgasm from fingering, only this and oral can achieve this for me.

After this, he still didn’t initiate unless I asked for it. Lately we’ve been having more sex than usual where I am giving him more oral than ever. I asked him why he’s not reciprocating?

His response shocked me. He said he has to be in an overwhelmingly passionate mood to do it - so he isn’t when we have sex normally?? That it does nothing for him personally. And said I don’t need to give loads of blowjobs if reciprocation is bothering me.

It upset me so much to hear this. I love him but I am not sure I can get past this, it’s an important part of sex for me. He isn’t selfish normally and his response was.

The day after this talk he went down on me and I orgasmed but of course now I know he doesn’t really want to be there…

because it took him 18 months to be honest about this

Maybe because he knew how you'd react....

Just as some women go along with things for men because they're too afraid to tell the truth.

That is a dripfeed from your original post. If he is asking you for blowjobs then he is in the wrong.

@FlakyCritic but so what if he thought I’d react badly?

It isn’t ok to pretend to like a sexual act when you’re partner expresses it is important to them, just to keep them. He should’ve been honest.

I can't say I'd trust/be delighted with a man who didn't enjoy giving oral. I did know a couple and they were actually very selfish in other ways.

But it's true he shouldn't have to do it or lie that he loves it if he doesn't. I can see why you'd be a bit hurt though. Someone told me once I tasted bad. That was quite upsetting. I obviously felt embarrassed as it had never happened before.

He's still doing it and you orgasm though, so it's not like he's refusing it fully. He's just saying he needs to be in the mood. Which I guess is fair enough.

I'm not sure expecting every time you have sex to be overwhelmingly passionate is realistic. I don't think it's an insult to you if it isn't for him.
Is it not sometimes just a bit of fun, or stress relief or like stratching an itch or just being emotionally close?

But yeah, if it's a deal breaker then that's the decision made. No point having another chat about it. Then what, he does it more and you know it's only because you asked and it gets awkward and resentful on both sides?

@HLamarr

lots of people wouldn’t wanna have their face in a vagina and it’s not a rejection of womanhood. Maybe he’s gone off it? It’s allowed. Surely you wouldn’t want him doing something sexually that he doesn’t want to do?

Hahaha I told him on our first date!

Super of matter of fact, I just said "FYI, it's not going to ever happen, so do you want to continue seeing me?". 😂

sometimes when I sort myself out I fantasise about an ex who used to give it all the time just because he loved doing it.

I will never have this with him and if I continue this is something I’d have to accept. I am also bisexual, but havent had a relationship with a woman since I was 19. My mind has been wandering a bit.

I obviously need to consider that I could leave him and find someone who loves giving oral, but lacks in all the other areas he is very strong in as a partner.

This post didn't get the love it deserved.

Exactly

Stop giving him blow jobs completely. Not in a stroppy tit for tat way. It may make him miss them and make him realise how it’s important to him, and in return realise why him giving you oral is important to you. Or, he may just not be bothered. Either way, you will have an answer and it might help you move forward, decide what’s important and decide what to do.

Oh god, not to generalise or anything, but if you have the choice between a relationship with a man who doesn't want to go down on you and maybe finding a relationship with a woman - I know which I would choose ♀️ 😂

It’s not selfish to leave a relationship. Selfish to who exactly?

Typical and very frustrating indeed!

That is a bold claim - while it's anyone's right to dislike giving oral, it's a basic, vanilla sexual act to me, and I'd be more surprised if they found a partner who was genuinely OK never receiving it.

Another talk is a good idea. It does sound like he's OK with giving every so often, so you're not going to have to live a head-free life. I think the work you need to do is to stop thinking it's a rejection of your womanhood. I mean, I know why you might feel that, but it's not the case, because it's not that deep. It's just not his preferred sexual act.

It'll also be telling whether he (and I suppose you) approach that talk in the spirit of respect and curiosity rather than defensiveness or laughing it off. I think another myth about sexual compatibility is that it just happens organically. Sometimes the basics happen without thinking but also, to get to the next level of sexual compatibility, sometimes you both need to put in a bit of work and communication. Good luck!

I very much enjoy giving (and receiving). I think cocks are great. If it doesn't float your boat that's cool but please don't speak for "all women".

I'm on your side op. I don't like men that expect constant blow jobs but never give oral sex. It's selfish.

Stop giving blow jobs for a while.

I used to be with a man like that. I've met a man since who loves giving oral sex. It's so much better

100% agree with this.

Look there are basically two schools of thought on this

1. sex is a frivolity that can be patched in around your other needs. This leads to the ‘take what you can get and be grateful he does the washing up’ style of relationship.

2. sex is a deep psychological need and is at the heart of being close as a couple. I’m in the latter camp, and I from long experience I know wouldn’t ever feel truly loved if I’m not being met fully in bed. I have that to give, and I need an equal.

As someone who's been made to do things I didn't like or want to do in all my previous relationships (well, the ones with men), there's no way I could enjoy any sexual act with the knowledge that my partner didn't like it.

You can split up for any reason you like of course.

My partner now would never ever want me to feel like I had to do anything, which is how loving relationships should be.

You need to stop giving him blowies. But it sounds a bit like the relationship is on the rocks now. He's not fully, 100% into you @HLamarr He finds part of you off-putting, and that would be it for me.

Sorry.

I don't think it's exactly the same as between a man and a woman. The vast majority of healthy men, who are not excessive porn users, will orgasm easily and reliably from penetrative sex alone. For some women, receiving oral is the best part of sex and may their most reliable, or even only, way of orgasming.

The OP has not proposed coercing him into doing it. In fact, that defeats the whole purpose; she wants him to REALLY WANT to do it.

Very tough, OP. I totally get where you're coming from. A life without enthusiastic oral does not appeal to me either. I feel for you!

Depends on whether he ‘despises’ it or has other real feelings of dislike or discomfort as pps have described, or if he simply can’t be arsed because he doesn’t get anything out of it.

The latter is selfish, yes. It depends on what else is going on here, but there is a reason we talk about people being generous or selfish sexually.

I didn't speak for "all women". I said and I quote Are there many women who. Nowhere did I say 'no woman' enjoys it.

I don't think it's exactly the same as between a man and a woman. The vast majority of healthy men, who are not excessive porn users, will orgasm easily and reliably from penetrative sex alone. For some women, receiving oral is the best part of sex and may their most reliable, or even only, way of orgasming.

This is an excellent point.

I don’t think I can face a lifetime of not doing this with a partner when it brings me so much pleasure and satisfaction.

And I suppose that's not selfish?