Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

Just looking back on the various subjects I’ve posted on and came back to this one, funny how it’s a big like a sexless marriage, started off full throttle, slowed a bit, wandered off the subject and finally pretty much stopped. Back to my last post on here, did the couple of nights away, again tried to discuss why the almost complete disinterest in sex, usual no real answer, maybe one day

In my experience it never gets any better. Just worse or the same if it’s already bad. Ultimately I think it is down to your partner not fancying you anymore or not really fancying you much in the first place. Both sexes

What exactly did she say?

Her standard answer, she does it when she wants to, any attempt to talk about for example, does she not feel sexually attracted to me anymore, would she want to do it with someone else, does she somehow feel unattractive are just met with if you say so

I thought talking about it with others would help me. I think it made me feel worse. Coming on a forum dedicated to sex when most of the posts are people having sex probably doesn't help :)

I posted a while back on how someone kissed me and I kissed them back.
It was through work and a conflict of interest.

We're finally back on track and I've realised I'm annoyingly attracted to them.
I'm trying ti suppress it but it's really difficult and I don't know what to do. Time has definitely helped with it all, but I need to see and work with this person weekly, it's been great, we laugh, chat, and work well together, even with the time and distance when things were weird, and we're doing fine but I find it's becoming increasingly hard to ignore the attraction from my side.

I don't want to find a new job, I like my role and my boss. I also like working with this person (also pre-kiss).

I don't know what I wanted to achieve with the post above, more just to get it off my chest.

You are sure he had no interest?

Forgive me as I don't have the patience to go trawling up the thread for your previous post(s), but iirc, are you are in a loveless relationship with your DH? And then you kissed a colleague you fancied at a work thing??

Is that the back story or is it something else??

This could not be more accurate. I've asked myself is he gay, is he low T, is he depressed. But none of those solutions make sense outside the single context of us not having sex. He just doesn't find me sexually attractive anymore. It's really that simple.

That must be really difficult to believe and accept.

I have often wondered the same though I’m told that’s not the case and then if I believe that why is it only ever me that initiates? Often find that depressing because it can then feel like it’s a favour being done for me.

I went 3 1/2 years without sex in my marriage. I ended up finding out that she was cheating on me with her brother‘s best friend. Long story short it didn’t take me long to end up having an affair with my sister-in-law‘s best friend.

My ex-wife and I went 3 1/2 years without sex. But she definitely helped me with fixing that situation. She kept inviting her friends to live with us so that led me down a dark road.

I sometimes wonder this with my DH, he refuses to go to GP or look for other solutions to his lack of libido and I wonder if it’s because he knows he’s fine health wise 🥴
We average twice a year and he never instigates…. At the start of the year I decided to leave it to him, it’s September and nothing 🙄.
I’ve got a mental time line and when he reaches that, I think I’ll feel justified to look outside the marriage.
I’ve listened to a few podcasts around this subject, Esther Perel is worth a listen.

When is your deadline?

After 6 months, I decided another year. So if he doesn’t instigate in 18 months, I’ll take the hint 😂

Always difficult though, our marriage fits the criteria for sexless but isn’t sexless, I.e. less than ten times a year, but if I waited for DW to initiate we’d have hit your 18 month target probably four or five years ago, so do you wait, or do you initiate knowing that sometimes it results in the desired outcome

For every one time he reacts positively to me initiating, I probably get rejected 15-20 times. Very bored of those odds, I find it quite insulting 😂. I’ve told him this and that I’m leaving it to him.
I’m mid 40s, so I don’t look quite the same as I did at 21 when we got together👀. But I’m in good shape and look after myself, so I don’t think it’s that. He genuinely just seems to have no libido 🤔

Or so you think. You then discover he masturbates to porn every night. While it's possible he has no libido, or some form of ED, it's much more likely that he has no libido for you. Which is soul-destroying - but can be addressed, and you know from my PMs the way I see it. You deserve better.

Anyone trapped in a sexless marriage deserves better. Sending massive virtual hugs.

Marriage is so much more than sex, but when there isn't any in the marriage it can become all consuming - I know!

The question is, how do you change things?

If your partner doesn't see you as sexy / attractive any more, or their libido (generally, or just for you) has disappeared, what do you do?

I can't advocate playing away, but I fully understand the need / drive - I'll freely admit to having been sorely tempted on more than one occasion - but if you go that route, then maybe the marriage is over?

I know how difficult being in a sexless marriage is - it can be soul destroying.

I also know how hard it is to leave a marriage - particularly if there are young children involved, but is that fairer to you both?

Difficult questions, with no easy answer.

My personal experience is that, if you do decide to leave the marriage, there is a whole world of intimacy & sex out there. You suddenly realise that you ARE attractive, that someone DOES fancy you, and that feeling, especially if you've gone for a long time without (10 years in my case) is amazing.

It is. He as much as admitted that to me. We didn't have sex for four years because I weighed 10kg more than I do now. I am a size UK 6-8. I was a UK 10 then in size 12 skinny jeans. This is long term for us. I had decided to stop initiating at all which led to the 4 yr dry spell. He even went as far one day as to say 'I have no one to look good for anyway' when I suggested he could start working out with me. As soon as I got back to a size 6/8 he started initiating a few times with some enthusiasm with every comment being about my weight, -how 'trim' I was, but I was done. We had sex once and it was very traumatic for me. He was overweight (obese BMI). I hated it and felt I was having sex with a stranger. I've given up. I told him we lacked an emotional connection, that we needed to work on other types of intimacy (non sexual touching, dates etc) as he hadn't acknowledged our wedding anniversary in around 8 years. Since, he has barely organised anything, never offered a massage and if I don't roll toward him in the bed to hug we rarely hug at all even in bed. It is clearly not a big priority for him and as far as I know he doesn't watch porn but he easily could and I just don't know. It doesn't add up. My self esteem was destroyed. We get on otherwise well, he is a very good parent. He is an avid gamer and very introverted and I suspect ASD.

Commenting on your weight when you wernt even overweight, while very overweight himself

Sounds like an abusive misogynist

Sounds more like a misunderstanding over what was said. Or even someone saying "Is it because I'm fat?" and he's just nodded to avoid the real reason. There's not a man alive who would turn down a shag purely because of 10kg in weight, that's not how men are wired up.

I’m definitely starting to see it that way, I think I’ve continually looked for excuses and solutions because I’ve not wanted to end the marriage.
When friends talk about their sex lives they’re always moaning about having to have sex or their husbands nagging for more.
Seems more unusual the other way round, although this thread has helped see that it’s not as uncommon as I thought.

That’s what I always thought @ThatRoseDeer. I rarely discuss sex with friends, but when we do it’s always moans about men pressing for more. I don’t think I could tell my friends that’s me doing that pressing only to get rejected.