Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

I fully understand that seeing your first real boob thing and if that then leads to oiling your dipstick then wow, heaven. But you said the sex was never good so what else drew you together, sex isn’t the only thing in a relationship but it’s certainly a big part of it , particularly in the early stages. Why put yourself through constant misery and I imagine your wife isn’t exactly loving her life either, maybe very seriously look at your options because , lack of sex is bad enough, but it contributing to depression, time to act

Is that based on one of his posts or all of them?!

If sex does not work, why do people get married? Makes no sense to me.

The point here is that sex is no longer working after a number of years of marriage.

Also, some people (myself included) are young and inexperienced when they marry. I was 21 when we got together , I just naively thought it would get better.
26 years ago, there wasn’t so much access to the internet and also I think sex was discussed less back then (or in my friendship groups and family anyway).

In my case it was a combination of being slightly misled ("I really like sex!") and wishful thinking ("Things will improve.")

And sex does improve if both of you are willing to talk and experiment and value its importance in the marriage. You practice, you improve- just like many other things. Which is why I have real difficulty with the spouses of people on this thread who have just decided they can't be bothered.

And it stops working if it did work and you get out of the habit. Again, just like so many other things.

Thank you for saying it better than I could. I was a teenage boy, what did I know about what was good and what wasnt. By the time I realised it would be a problem I we deeply in love with the person and wanted to spend all my time with her regardless of the poor sex. Its not 2025 where teenagers have watched every video on pr0nhub at least twice before even meeting someone of the opposite sex.

I think this is so right, it was a different world, my own experience of sex prior to meeting DW involved a magazine and imagination, finding a girl(woman) who made the first moves within a short time of dating was beyond anything you could imagine, I remember the first time she gave me a HJ and thinking she must really like me , we were made for each other. Turns out she had sex with everyone she dated as she felt it kept them interested. Obviously was something slightly different with the two of us as we still together, but that first flush of constant sex only lasted so long and as with many others, has gone down and down over the years.

It’s all about expectations and what you expect marriage / relationships to be like . I can or did only base mine on my own parents, which was full of kissing, love, loads of fun and giggling at night. I only ever wanted the same. My parents also taught me “family was important, and must come first” when you get married.
As a male, when you get to see your first pair of boobs and the opportunity to have sex it’s totally overwhelming. Those feelings I had never ever felt before and that draw it had I could only imagine and expect may be on the same level as some ladies have, and the urge to have and want children. You only have to look at all those couples who can’t have children the urge and the extreme effort they go to.
At the start of my relationship I fell for her and when after an only a few months of datingI I started being given excuses for not wanting sex. Every excuse you can imagine, even when we both went away on our first holiday and opportunity of being alone, this came with “please wait until we are married” even after months / years of dating.
Yes, I can hear you saying, the red flags were there! How was or could I ever of known

Was it me “trying to be the gentleman” or was I expecting and wanting to much of her?
I was the gentleman and got married. I waited and waited a further 18 months until after the wedding to finally get to consummated the marriage. By this time I had decided I’d had enough and we were to separate. At that time and on the very first occasion we did the act after all those months, my wife fell pregnant. What was I to do?
Here we are now and after 30 years of enforced celibacy I gave up asking / initiating it as she has never did, and the rejection hurt what am I or would you do? Is Home and Family values more important than your own sex life?
My storey includes years of depression feeling of being under valued and on occasions having suicidal thoughts.
Is it the sex, or for me it’s that feeling of intimacy with another person. The kissing, love, fun and giggling once in bed.

@Voyager54 "... multi orgasmic ...", "I did post this a subject on its own but maybe more appropriate in this thread."

Not really, mate! Keep your happiness to yourself. This thread is for misery only and don't you bluddy well forget it, lad.

I was 21 when I met my husband. Very inexperienced and very naive (he was 31 but also quite inexperienced). My son is now 21 and I think how young he is and how young I was to make such a big decision on my life. Sex and passion were practically non-existent in our relationship (we even had to have artificial insemination for our second child) and it was obvious the chemistry/attraction wasn’t there (from me). I regretted marrying him but carried on as ‘it’s what you’re supposed to do’. We ended up in a 100% sexless marriage. I lived with it. Kept myself busy with my career and raising the children but, deep down, I was lonely and knew why. As someone else has posted about the sex surge of menopause, it happened to me - aged 45. I still had no feelings of attraction towards my husband (he was 55 by this point, and an old 55) however…I developed an attraction towards other men. I ended up on a chat site - initially, to find someone to talk to (not in a sexual way) - and, well, it changed my life. I met someone on there who I got on with like a house on fire. Also, married (no kids, married to a woman 8 years his senior). I know it was wrong. It was very obvious, from the beginning, we had a lot of chemistry. So much so, he cut contact with me on numerous occasions as it was ‘going too far (naughty phone calls and almost meeting even though one of us is in the north and the other in the south). He came back, over and over again. He has always insisted he is in a sexless marriage as he has issues around that (his wife’s weight, mainly) but, it has become obvious over the years - yes, years - that he loves her. Anyway, we did eventually meet and the chemistry between us was off the scale. Guilt got to him a lot but, of course, he continued to meet up every time I was in the area. We had amazing, passionate sex. My eyes were opened (before anyone says anything, I did end my marriage almost immediately after chatting to this man - it was obvious there was something wrong). He tried to convert it to a platonic friendship and we have had lovely days out on a few occasions as friends’ but the chemistry was too strong and we’d end up having wild sessions the next time we met. He then feels guilty and the cycle starts again. I won’t lie, I have deep feelings for him. This has gone on for 8 years. However, I know it is doing me a lot of damage - both financially (divorce and new house) and emotionally (I am still alone missing out on everything else that a relationship should entail). I have tried OLD - yuk. If anyone can give guidance, please do as I can’t get this man out of my head and deeply regret staying so long in a marriage that lacked passion/connection. We never kissed, held hands or anything! His idea of sex was on, do his stuff and off! The other man will play with me for hours!!!!

Hormones settled but I’m still sexual (not as bad as before) and missing this in my life! I go everywhere, alone. I’m in a good job so, luckily, can afford holidays, meals out, long weekends away, but I’m missing this deep connection, friendship and passion with a special person. It doesn’t help that I have no close family either (apart from my children) and my best friend was taken with cancer earlier this year.

I’m 53. A young 53 😞. Life is ticking away.

And, before anyone says get on Tinder and have a good time - I can’t! I need to feel a deep connection with someone (and fancy them, obviously) before I can go further. Which is probably why my marriage didn’t work out. I’d love the other man but it isn’t going to happen!!!

Hi @ThisRareFox , your situation sounds tough. I met my FWB on IE, a lot of timewasters and people wanting a ONS but I got lucky and met a nice guy. We’re both married and have consent for open relationships, but I struggle with feelings developing as I really get along with my FWB as genuine friends.

I’m just back from a family holiday. I was hoping for a return to action following my husband and I DtD for the first time in 3 yrs recently, but nothing. I bought sexy lingerie, offered to do things I know he loves, organised a day where the kids were away but nothing. Having sex again really filled me with hope, but the holiday was once again back to frustration.

It was on a virtually sex-free holiday 9 years ago that I realised I needed to admit where our marriage was. I couldn't understand why I was unhappy when I was with the woman I loved in a place I loved, not having to lift a finger. If it's not happening on holiday, there's a problem. Sorry to hear about your experience, OP.

Yes, very tough indeed. I think this is why I could never go for a FWB situation as I want the whole package! I felt myself falling for this man and started to realise what else was missing from my relationship, aside from sex and passion. Also, I don’t think I could have seen a FWB relationship through due to guilt. Hence why I ended my marriage so early on when I realised I was being drawn (and why) to another man. I had lived in a sexless marriage for over a decade before all of this kicked off. I just wasn’t interested in him in that way - maybe I’d matured and changed over the years (I was so young when we met and he was a lot older). It was never going to happen again. Sex with him had been boring anyway and he wasn’t a passionate/tactile/affectionate man at all, whereas the OM is (very)! My eyes were opened as they say! I’ve lost a lot but my biggest regret is that I didn’t act on my feelings years ago. I spent far too long ‘living with it’ and hoping I would feel differently. I never did.

A holiday with just the two of you, in romantic cities, with nothing but happy days, good food and drink and luxury hotels...when they still don't want to even touch you, its very very tough.

@ThatAquaSnail Yes, that's kind of how it was. Our holiday routine is to find a small hotel, usually southern Spain or the Balearics, and relax. I go out for lunch on my own, then we have dinner together in the evening.

One day, well into the holiday, I left the hotel and was walking towards my usual cafe, thinking, "Why don't I feel happy, when everything's so right?" I realised within seconds why that was, and vowed there and then I would not allow myself to continue in unhappiness, whilst recognising that a fulfilling sex life was unlikely and I'd have to find that happiness in different (legitimate) ways. On the whole, and bearing in mind I don't expect life to be a bed of roses, I've more or less done that. There are no sunlit uplands.

The wonderful sex free holiday scenario, you book it, you are hopeful for weeks leading up, everything is going well, no stressors, both relaxed, actual flirting , even the odd kiss , enough alcohol to be happy but not drunk, you get to bed, hand on her boobs/ bum, then the usual pushed away, I’m tired or whatever and yet again you lie there thinking why do I keep accepting this, but for whatever reason you do ,telling yourself maybe tomorrow , but invariably tomorrow is no different, I guess there will eventually be a point that you do decide enough is enough

I could have written 99% of that. Exactly how mine go. It's so lonely and demoralising isn't it.

It sounds like the sexual chemistry wasn’t there from the start - from her side, anyway. You should’ve ended the relationship a lot earlier.

@Sadcafe I could have written that in reverse. Trying to arouse a man and not getting the rise is equally frustrating. All the things men are supposed to respond to, Lingerie, BJs have no impact… it’s soul destroying isn’t it

Exactly the same for me! Often my DW will say no to sex during the year and say we have a holiday later this year for just the two of us and to do the deed then. That means I am often waiting months for this holiday to come around. Then on said holiday she deliberately avoids me like the plague - spending hours in the bathroom after we have got in, then comes out of the bathroom and I am laid on the bed ready and she says "oh - are you expecting it tonight? - I am too tired tonight" - then the next day I don't even bother trying as I feel so rejected and I don't want to be hurt again, so that's another 12 months gone without sex!

My impression is that there a are problems with sex in general that stem from a lack of knowledge about what your partner needs. This could be due to communication problems. For men, it can be due to a lack of knowledge about the clitoris. In fact, it was only 10 years ago that a model of the clitoris was constructed. This lack of knowledge has been re-enforced by the notion spread by Freud and others that women only need penetration sex to orgasm, which is non-sense.