Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

You’re right, it’s not THAT easy to leave in the majority of circumstances- even if you no longer love them.

This is so well said. Thank you! Sums up how I feel about it.

From this it’s clear she isn’t asexual, there’s nothing wrong with her, she just doesn’t see you sexually.

https://www.zinio.com/gb/article/red-uk/september-2025-i674691/we-dont-need-sex-to-be-happily-married-a18

Tried to post a Readly link but MN wouldnt let me

I think most folks would go a little crazy in a sexless relationship, especially if the partner has interest in others. I would go nuts.

I was out for dinner with friends tonight and one of them is midway through a divorce. She’s very excited for it to be over.
She asked ‘Would you date your husband now if you were single? And if you would date him, would you marry him if your relationship was as it is now?’
Out of 6 of us, only 1 would. Sad really. I wonder how prevalent this is…

Isn't it an unintentionally misleading question? I might have answered no, because like I think every married person, I wonder what my life would have been like with someone else. Ie, being curious about the unknown rather than the comparative mundaneness of the known.

Male here. Reading these comments makes me feel like I am looking into the future. 18 months of no sex and separate beds now make me really scared for the future. Like many others, I've got children and insufficient money to leave home. I am desperate to chat, hold a woman and just need to feel that spark again. Really feel my life is slipping away and questioning the point of existence.

That’s true in one way.
But when we were chatting about it, it turned more to how our relationships were before we got married. Things we ignored because we wanted marriage and children (we all married in our mid 20s). I guess now they’d be called red flags.
For example, one of us realised (too late) that motherhood wasn’t for her. Another married a man who always did what he wanted with his time and money with no input from her and still does 20 years later.
Another’s husband cheated before they married, she forgave him and went ahead, but he’s cheated throughout their marriage.
Some of our sex lives were always a bit poor.
Recognising now how young we were and that we really didn’t need to rush.
Benefit of hindsight 😁
Having said that, none of us regret it overall because we love our children.
It was more a ‘if we could go back and speak to our younger selves’ kind of thing.

Having said that, our husbands may say the same thing 😂

I am sure many people get divorced knowing things will be better only to realize they fucked up. Of course, in a toxic relationship one must move on. But in a relationship with trivial annoyances, deal with it.

No, I see what you mean now @ThatRoseDeer. Anyone can lose perspective in a relationship and then realise, once years have gone by, that something that seemed a trivial annoyance or at least a sacrifice worth making actually is a big deal and years have gone by. I don't think there's any way of protecting against that: all relationships of any sort carry risk and not having any (of any sort) is very risky indeed. I remember at the start being taught not to 'make peace at any price' ie, don't let yourself get pushed around but it's one of the hardest things to do in practice.

I'm in my 30s and been in a sexless marriage for about 5 years.
It has come to a head where someone kissed me, and I kissed him back with no hesitation. What's worse. I work with him and it's a total conflict of interest.

It's been a weird initial 4-5 weeks at work and things are finally getting back to normal, as it was before the event, thank god. Thing is, I genuinely do like working with him (even pre kiss).

But now I'm in this weird limbo because the kiss just awoke something in me that I'm not getting in my relationship. And I know I messed up with what I did.
I just don't know what to do now.

@dazedandblue The fact is, people in sexless marriages are vulnerable. You're human, you have feelings. If this guy knew you were married, then he took advantage of you and your situation.

@Eric1964thank you for your kind words. As much as he knew I was in an unhappy marriage, he was very respectful and asked for consent before anything, so I don’t really fault him.
i said yes.
and the fact I said yes with no hesitation scares me a little bit.
I am due for a work event next week with him (similar to where the last kiss happened).

@dazedandblue It's a horrible situation to be in. You've got the 'pull' of a person you're attracted to and who's interested in you, and the 'push' of rejection at home.

Exactly this @Eric1964
Though post kiss it has been weird for a while, which is obvious due to the fact it’s work and a conflict of interest.

i just don’t know where to go from here and also unsure how next week will play out. Time will tell.

I’m unsure if it was just moment of insanity.
He told me how much he fancied me, but I also wonder how much that was drunk sincerity vs sweet nothings (so obviously didn’t take any of it at face value).

I’ve been reading this thread for a while and I can’t decide whether it’s good or bad that I’m seeing people in the same position that I am. Our sex life has become pretty much non existent. Our eldest DC is 13, youngest is 10 and essentially from DC1 we’ve had little to no sex life, the conception of DC2 was a fluke given how little we have sex, something that has been mentioned when we’ve talked. I completely understand having kids can change things. We had a blip about 2 years ago where we had a few issues, talked about different things and I raised our sex life being non existent. For maybe 3 or 4 months it picked up but when I look back on that it was still all me don’t to chasing, my wife half heartedly initiated it once and that is (as far as I can remember) the only time she’s initiated sex since before DC1 was born. Since then we’re back to square one again. If I honest I feel like someone that was there to have kids with and is there to help raise them, help financially support everyone etc.

I’ve come to the conclusion that my wife just doesn’t like sex or intimacy. She’s never been confident about it per se but we had a fulfilling sex life and I think we were both happy with it. There’s almost nothing worse than someone going tense or flinching when you touch them. I think as others have said it’s not just about sex, it’s about being close to someone, feeling that intimacy with them. The feeling of rejection is soul destroying at times.

Its so difficult isnt it. Unlike many on here my wife and I never had a good sex life in the beginning and it went down hill from there. When you are a teenage boy, seeing boobs of the first time (no real internet back then), was the greatest day of your life. I didnt realise that was as good as it would get. Its been 20 years since I last saw boobs not on a computer screen.

Depression has hit me hard recently and I deal with it by dreaming of other lives. Imagining I am somewhere else, with someone else. Really detailed life building. I sound like an idiot but it helps me.

@ThatAquaSnail Is there nothing you can do to take your mind off things? Some sort of project that fully occupies your mind and body?

Why do you stay ?

I mean if from the very beginning your were not compatible sexually, & I also believe if two people click , well then they can discuss anything with one another, sex being one of those things .
If you felt like you couldn’t then surely does that not mean you were 2 people that were not matched , if you didn’t feel comfortable discussing sex , there must be more that you cannot sit and chat about ..
I’m saying all of that kindly pp ..

All true. That's where "accidental" pregnancies come in.

Mumsnet's relationships board is choc-a-bloc with women desperate to marry men they don't like very much.

Goodness. You really have a low opinion of women. Is that you, Andrew Tate?