Sexless Marriages Support thread

[Aishabibi]

I’ve noticed since coming onto this section that there are a lot of us in sexless marriages. I wonder if having a thread to share experiences, survival strategies, sex toy recommendations, FwB set ups for those who’ve agreed to open things up or anyone that has managed to get things going again.

my situation is nothing from DH for over 3 yrs. he says he’s not interested at all, no urges whatsoever. He agreed I could explore a FwB, which I did find. Before that, lots of failed attempts to get him interested (lingerie, porn, and a growing collection of toys

For men, it can be due to a lack of knowledge about the clitoris.

The what?

I think most of us in this thread are way passed it being a lack of knowledge. Naive to begin with sure, but not around where body parts are.

I really meant to say that the lack of knowledge has to do with how to stimulate the clitoris. That could qualify as an "about the clitoris", I guess. Also, correct clitoral stimulation can be missing from an encounter, even if both partners know the location of the "spot".

I am sure the regulars on this thread have given the matter the most careful thought.

Thank you for that, and more knowledge is always a good thing, but I think you're well off the mark here. To illustrate this: my wife would have no desire to receive oral from me, even if she were to guide my tongue to the exact spot; she simply doesn't want me sexually, doesn't see me as a sexual being. As I've said elsewhere - and I'm not here for sympathy or uninformed comments - she had an affair and I doubt she cared whether her lover touched the exactly correct spot - she had the hots for him and everything else came second. Including him, as far as I can tell from the emails I was forced to read. Likewise, there are women on here who tell us that their men turn down blow jobs. What the actual? No man turns down a blow job! Everyone knows that! But - sadly - they do, so there must be other things at play here.

I have no better an explanation than anyone else. Maybe women marry their dads and men marry their mothers, then the incest taboo kicks in and they can't bring themselves to fk their partner, because it disgusts them?

I, for one, would be beside myself with joy if my wife were to say to me, "You've never really satisfied me, because you're not doing it right. Here, let me show you exactly what I want ..." But that's not gonnae happen, 'cos that's no the problem, ye ken?

(I'm not Glaswegian but there's no better tongue for being emphatic. Sorry for the appropriation. Actually, I'm not. My Grandad was frae Glasgow.)

I read ‘Butter’ on holiday and there was a character’s parents who had affairs as they started seeing their parents as family and once that happened the sexual desire stopped. Thought it was an interesting take on things

I'm guessing you meant 'partners' rather than 'parents' ("... seeing their partners ..."). Yes, that's exactly what I'm talking about, and one explanation for sexless marriages.

For me personally i get nothing from oral Its too featherlight for me.

I might recommend the book, "She Comes First" by Ian Kerner, PhD

She (or he) isn't going to come first, or at any point, if (s)he doesn't want sex in the first place.

You can make yourself as attractive or as loving as you like but you can't dictate another person's reactions to your efforts.

Sex life is now non-existent.

We are very different people and have drifted apart so not really a surprise. Not really sure I am bothered about having sex with them.

It's all a bit of a shame really.

Not at all sure about the clitoris thing, definitely been together long enough to know where it is and what to do to stimulate. Have one of those breaks away coming up, first one this year for just the two of us, really not expecting much but am going to try hard to have that discussion as to what , if anything, the actual problem is, previous attempts have gone nowhere but I’m hoping to at least get a sex just isn’t something I want anymore or I do want to but this is what’s put me off answer.I’ll let the thread know if anything transpires

That’s really sad to read. It sounds like she is totally not interested. Why are you staying with her?

I didn’t want oral from my husband either. He tried it once, in the early days of our relationship (married though). It gave me the ick. But, looking back. He gave me the ick, which I realised as the years went by. The sexual chemistry wasn’t there. Never was. I was a fool to marry him just because he was a nice guy. I couldn’t have sex with him in the end and we drifted into a sexless (100%) marriage and a further ten years passed before I ended up with someone else (after going totally off the rails at menopause). The sexual chemistry, this time, was high and, my goodness, did I discover a passionate man who would have me tingling at the very thought of a passionate session! Oral with him is just amazing. Still is!! I think a lot of couples just don’t have that chemistry. Could be just one of them or both, eventually.

I don’t think my ex knew what a clitoris was. Had no clue at all!

Sorry that your ex did not have a clue. Also, I don't think it is really necessary to do oral to stimulate the clitoris. I know that this topic is about the sexless marriage, but the sex can be about things other than penetration. Sex therapists actually recommend mutual masturbation to improve intimacy, and that can involve the partners stimulating each other. A bullet vibrator can be used by the husband to stimulate the clitoris. That gets him involved, and the sexless part of it goes away. Also, that does not involve oral.

Another way to engage in stimulation is called Orgasmic Meditation. That is where the "stroker" is actually fully clothed, and the woman is naked from the waist down. The stroker is seated by her side where she is lying down. The two overlap their legs in a way that allows the stroker ready access to her clitoris. He pulls back on her clitoral hood, applies lubricant, and strokes around her clitoris for a maximum of 15 minutes. The known time limit takes the pressure off. The purpose is for stimulation. If the woman orgasms, that is an additional benefit. This approach also can address the sexless problem.

Yeah, but if you’re not attracted to your partner then that isn’t going to happen either. For the record, I actually prefer fingers for stimulation.

You are right, there needs to be some connection, or maybe some repressed connection, in order to re-establish intimacy. Orgasmic Meditation definitely utilizes the fingers for stimulation. Typically, that is the stroker's index finger, with the stroking done on the side of the clitoris. For more info, you could refer to Nicole Daedone's book, "Slow Sex" (Hachette Book Group, May 2012). Although she has been controversial, the book contains good instructions for Orgasmic Meditation.

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-dr-john-delony-show/id1527609854?i=1000722070034

You can’t re-establish intimacy with someone you don’t see that way. It would never have happened for us. He was like a sibling!

Apologies if you've already answered this question; how soon did you come to see you partner as a sibling?

Very early on in the marriage. I say sibling, but he was probably more in the ‘friend’ zone. The chemistry just wasn’t there from the start. I think I had been just very naive and inexperienced, plus felt under a bit of pressure to get married (‘because it’s what everyone does’). A combination of lack of sexual chemistry, age gap and different levels of passion/sensuality played a massive part in my reluctance to continue in a sexual relationship with him - hence why I ended up in a sexless marriage for many, many years. I regret keeping things going and not ending things sooner.

@ThisRareFox Thank you. And good luck.

Sorry that there was no chemistry and no connection for you.

Yes, I did mean partners, sorry