Amazing guy but the sex

[BrionyM]

Seeing a man for a few months. Gradually fallen in love and he has many wonderful partnership qualities. We seemingly have strong chemistry, always kidding and touching and affectionate outside bed.

The first time we tried sex we had intercourse twice, lasted a few minutes each time before he went soft. He went down on me & fingered me but I didn't cum which bothered him.

So over the last of week he stopped masturbating before we met. This time we didn't attempt intercourse at all. Again he went down on me and it felt amazing but I didn't get there so he gave up after 5 mins.

We did some mutual masturbation and he's otherwise asked if I can 'be patient'. I adore him so want to give it time but sex is very important to me. How much time would you give to see if things improve?

Very different teaching a man who’s say in his 20s to a 30 year old man.

And in this case and a few others I swear porn is the cause. I hear of younger men (30s) speaking of using viagara to make them last when they really shouldn’t (in my experience) need to do this. It’s actually worrying if young men are growing up though, like this, with porn star/film. How’s it going to be reversed?

This really does suggest he needs a very specific set of circumstances to oragasm. If he can't be honest with you about what they are and the reasons behind them as well as what he is doing to move away from them and move toward mutual sex with a partner. There is a real danger your self esteem is going to be eroded here. Sexual issues have to be worked at with a team mentality with him taking the lead as the issues are from his side. If he is too insecure or doesn't respect you enough to value your sexual satisfaction this issue will never improve.

Did he discuss with you why he doesn't orgasm from oral sex? It's unreasonable for him to ask for your patience yet give no more information on a timeline/plan of action.

I like to have sex with men early on when dating them - I don't want to get emotionally attached and then find out they're rubbish in bed.

I agree you need to communicate more. Things may improve- how long you give it is only something you can decide, but there's a good chance things won't improve, and you don't want it to drag out too long.

@MightyGoldBear he didn't say. He said he saw it as a 'challenge' to make happen in the future.

The thing is I've had enough casual and serious partners to know I'm generally decent in bed and get my partners off. I'm always willing to do what is needed to get there.

So I hope I wouldn't let it affect my self esteem too much but of course hurts to feel you can't please the person you're with

Did you both get STD checks before you ditched the condoms?

Yes.. causes so many issues. Heard of so many men who can't get hard now

@Elephantsareace yes.

Anyway I'm upset about this. Feels very unfair to have met someone that ticks all boxes aside from this. I have to think he must be upset and worried about losing me too, because we do have something special.

Think I need to decide myself how long and on what terms (ie what steps he's taking and I'm taking) to resolve. Sex is so important.

Ah the fabled Mumsnet 'Deathgrip' makes an appearance.

Well if she's not doing it for him then maybe he should end the relationship instead of putting on an act pretending that actually he has erectile dysfunction 🤔😅

And the men who deny it exists, the ones who can’t get their cock up and have a satisfying sex life, always show up to try to stop women talking about it.

Yawn.

The amazing thing is that men, just like women, don't just have one default way of masterbating no matter what their mood is or how time rich they are.

You won’t shut women down on a mostly female site so you can yawn all you like.

He messaged me this morning thanking me for an 'amazing' day yesterday and mentioned feeling exhausted this week.

He is going through X2 big stressful life things which could be impacting and won't be over for about a month. It's 'hard' to say if that is part of it.

If he's got massive stress going on, probably even he can't say whether it's affecting him in bed or not. It is an added complication though.

Having a different opinion is not 'shutting women down'. You are still posting whatever you want freely aren't you?

Ha ha. Every time!

You’re saying it doesn’t exist and telling a poster ‘yawn’ for challenging you. You don’t seem too ok about that difference of opinion, so I’d say you are trying to get women to shut up. Unfortunately, this is mumsnet and that ain’t happening!

Women know that they’ve seen an increase in the amount of young healthy men not being able to have sex over the years that has coincided with easier access to porn. This man had to not masturbate for a week to be able to get an erection with a real woman in front of him and it’s a story we read and hear over and over. It’s a thing no matter how much you’re in denial.

I’m guessing you’re a man by your language and attitude but maybe I’m wrong.

I dated my X for just over a year. He had trouble getting and keeping an erection from day 1. It took him 10 weeks to make me come from oral. He kept telling me he was nervous, as it had been years since he'd had sex.

The last time we had sex, all he could focus on was keeping himself erect. I grinded myself against him and made myself cum. As soon as I did, he withdrew.

I tried everything to help him move forward in this area, but it got too difficult. I was permanently unsatisfied and he was on permanent tenterhooks wondering if he'd perform or not. He refused to take the little blue pills.

He was wonderful in every other way. I just couldn't put up with our sex life.

So it ended.

Think very carefully before you get too involved.

2 years on, I still miss my Ex. But I constantly remind myself that I felt so unfulfilled so often.

Another easy answer is to insist that everyone who doesn't agree with you is a man.

Are all vulvas and vaginas the same? No. We all like different things and need different levels of stimulation. And I would guess most of us use sex toys fine without being accused of having 'vibrator vagina' when we don't instantly have a screaming orgasm during sex.

So why is it so challenging to accept that there isn't a simple answer that applies to every man on the planet either?

@OfcourseitsaNC thanks for sharing your experience and sorry it didn't work out.

And this is the issue isn't it - when they're wonderful in every other way, you don't want to throw the towel in right away.

I'm willing to give this a few more weeks or 'tries'. It will be hard to cut my losses as I care about him very much. But I care about my own happiness more.

If it's early nerves it may get better. But if the problem is more deep seated I don't see how it'd just going to dissipate overnight.

I wish you the best @BrionyM I gave it a year. It didn't get better.

We had an unexpected hook up Xmas 23, as ex and I are still in touch. He was on my clit for 3 hours that night. No orgasm from me. No erection from him.

As much as I had wanted him back until that point, I drove home the next morning remember how unsatisfied I was by our sex life and how I got so fed up of feeling the way I felt driving home that morning. I could have done without the sore clit too.

If you're constantly feeling unsatisfied, I'd suggest that it's time to end things now, sooner rather than later.

@OfcourseitsaNC yep, know that ferling. We've only been intimate twice so I do want to give it say another month.

I may well be wasting my time but sometimes you just have to do what you need to do to say you tried.

I crave a good life sex and need him to want the same.

If you've only tried twice, that's hardly trying...

On the matter of death grip, whether or not it exists... one of the more off-putting men I had was one who liked a really delicate touch, almost holding him without touching. A bit like a handshake, I want to take a firm grip, but not to the point of inflicting pain, but not really light, and until this point, had assumed (and experienced) men who liked something between firm and really firm.

Some of us refuse to be shut down!
It doesn't mean that you're not trying to shut women down.

The fabled mumsnet 'death grip'.
As if the women on here are silly little women who just randomly plucked this notion out of nowhere 🙄This is talked about worldwide, and is often even discussed on forums by men who acknowledge they have 'death grip' and want to fix it.

"talked about worldwide" you say?
You mean like on the internet by chance?
Must be true then.
Amongst all this worldwide expertise can you offer a medical reference?