Amazing guy but the sex

[BrionyM]

Seeing a man for a few months. Gradually fallen in love and he has many wonderful partnership qualities. We seemingly have strong chemistry, always kidding and touching and affectionate outside bed.

The first time we tried sex we had intercourse twice, lasted a few minutes each time before he went soft. He went down on me & fingered me but I didn't cum which bothered him.

So over the last of week he stopped masturbating before we met. This time we didn't attempt intercourse at all. Again he went down on me and it felt amazing but I didn't get there so he gave up after 5 mins.

We did some mutual masturbation and he's otherwise asked if I can 'be patient'. I adore him so want to give it time but sex is very important to me. How much time would you give to see if things improve?

This isn’t going to work for you.

He needs some sort of help and things like this can take a long time to resolve. It’s a lot of ‘hard’ (or not) work for the beginning of a relationship.

This could be a stressful and emotional process that he probably needs to start on his own before he gets anyone else involved.

She said he hasn't been with anyone in years. What makes you think he has years of experience?

5 minutes of oral sex and he gave up. Sorry but that's just selfish, sometimes it takes minutes sometimes longer, he needs at least try longer to get you there!

Morning all - he definitely doesn't try to shift blame to me. He made it clear this is him and not me.

As a PP said I need to be clear about the fact it takes me longer to orgasm and give him a chance to rectify that.

He's asking me to be patient. I can be a bit but longer. But. I'm 32. I want to fuck and be fucked by my lover. It's non negotiable. I have needs and it's also an expression of how I feel.

Has he been clear about what he is doing to improve the issues? Is he taking full responsibility whilst also easing/understanding any anxiety you may have?

OP sounds like it would be a good idea to start some communication about sex before you get in the bedroom. He’s mentioned things like feels your more experienced / doesn’t think he’s very good in bed. Perhaps these are things you can explore - has he ever been in a long term relationship before / have their been previous issues with sex, why doesn’t he feel like he’s very good - especially as you’ve said that actually the tactile and oral sex is very good! Many posters saying he is blaming OP - I don’t think this is the case at all - he has never said - I think this is your fault, he has actually been vulnerable and expressed that he feels he is lacking and feels less than because he feels less experienced in the bedroom. I think it takes an emotionally aware person to be able to do that.

OP has said herself that she thinks he lacks confidence and if that’s the main problem and he’s otherwise a great long term partner material then binning him off as many people have suggested May end up in OP losing out on a great partner over something that can be easily rectified. OP has stated that on a later occasion he did maintain a very strong erection however due to her anxieties penetrative sex was not initiated. This is where communication between the two of you is very important especially before you have sex so you feel comfortable and safe with each other and you can just be relaxed in the bedroom. After one negative experience with a new partner, anxiety can build re further episodes of sex. And then as others have suggested communication during sexual contact is also paramount, positive reinforcement as well as explaining what you don’t like and showing him what you do like if necessary. Agree with PP re sex toys potentially being helpful.

I’m not suggesting all of this is due to porn / excess masturbation but it might be useful to ask him how often he masturbates, is he able to gain an erection and achieve orgasm through this. If this is the case then it’s very likely the problem is psychological and just talking between yourselves and taking things slowly could improve. If things don’t improve, there are nhs psychosexual counselling services across the UK - GP can refer but I know it can be a few months wait at least- if he can afford it and doesn’t want to wait could try private counselling. If it turns out that actually he can’t masturbate, doesn’t get early morning erections or has a history of inability to sustain an erection long enough for sex then the problem may be physical and it might be useful for him to see the GP for blood tests as simple things like undiagnosed diabetes can be a cause. It sounds like there haven’t been that many sexual interactions so far so for people to start labelling this as ED is very premature (excuse the pun). To the poster who suggested he wasnt a good man because he hasn’t got any help for this, we don’t know how long this has been a problem especially if he’s not been in a relationship for a long time and men in particular do find it difficult to seek medical help for anything, let alone sexual problems which is heavily stigmatised.

From your post OP it sounds like you really like all other aspects of this guy. Only you know how long you can stay in the relationship if this is making you unhappy but it sounds like there’s a lot of basic things that haven’t been attempted yet so if you really like him I would try those first before ending the relationship as so many have suggested.

Good luck :)

This is what happens when men watch too much porn and/or smoke too much weed. That may or may not be the case here, but it often is. They find they can't actually perform in RL. They've become desensitised or laxy or insecure and can only be aroused when alone, by porn.

If you love him and really think there could be a future in it then I am sure you could work together to find a solution, with the help of his GP or a counsellor or hynotherapist perhaps. After all, plenty of people fall in love with and marry people who have disabilities that mean a 'normal' sex life is not possible. They find ways to be intimate in whatever limited way works for them.

Or it could just be that he's never been very sexually confident and isn't very experienced so he's feeling under pressure.

Oh god, I’d be telling him exactly what I needed to make me come. I can’t understand why you don’t tell him “don’t stop, that feels great, I’m nearly there!” If he carries on enthusiastically then it’s a sign that all is good, it might give him a confidence boost and help him maintain an erection rather than worrying about the next bit.

have you tried saying “let’s not try penetrative sex today, we’ll both just please each other with whatever works best.”

Just more communication.

Is your contraception watertight? Does he use a condom? I think some men have pregnancy fears which stop them relaxing, especially at this age where they think women might be getting broody and accidentally on purpose forget to take their pill. (It does happen, there have been threads on here where women have admitted doing it!).

He's a 30 year old guy. To be honest, if he hadn't been with anyone in years that would put me off even more. What woman with a high sex drive is going to want to start teaching someone the basics, realistically? Women generally have more choice when it comes to their dating partner and don't need to settle for less.

I started dating a man and had a similar problem. Either he would be soft or not able to cum. Sex is very important to me too but we had a connection beyond sex, so I didn't want to break up with him at the first hurdle.
We opened up communication, explored and tried new things, and 9 years on, he's now my husband, we have 2 children and the most explosive sex life I've ever had.
The issue was nerves. He wanted to please me but every time things didn't happen when it was 'expected', those worries would get in his head and ruin things.
Maybe give him some more time, explore each other, use toys, experiment, tell each other what feels good... if you really like him, surely there's something there to be worth fighting for? Making a big deal out of it will only make things worse. Being in an intimate relationship is about being open and honest. Every body is satisfied differently and you both need to figure out how it works together.

I think women have lied to this man and pretended to finish in the past which is why he expects it to happen so quickly.

5 minutes and giving up? Leave, exit, flee, run.

This was suggested quite a few posts back....

@CurlyhairedAssassin I did give him feedback like that in the moment - and he followed my instruction. He just needs to spend longer.

He was previously with a woman for years. The fact he could indulge my kink because he had experience suggests he isn't quite as inexperienced as he makes out.

Contraception - I'm on the MIirena coil. We used condoms first time but not second.

I think your response is quite dismissive though.
It can be an upsetting/frustrating for a woman to have to experience also.
It's OK to not want to deal with that, or to not want to have to put yourself in the sex therapist role.

OP has already been through this with an ex, so she knows that the situation can be resolved sometimes, but yet it's concerning her enough to post here so it's good to have a mix of responses because often as women we feel like we have to give things more of a chance out of kindness even if it's not right for us.

It seems quite one sided and I think you need to be much more involved and be the one doing more of the work.

Are you being vocal when he’s giving you oral?
I think I would give up if a man was just lying there silent and I felt he wasn’t enjoying it.

You need to be the one more in control here and show/tell him exactly what you want.

It sounds like he’s under a lot of pressure which is making things worse, whereas if you control things more then he’ll relax and do the things that you want.

I definitely think it has potential and not something I’d end just yet.
It doesn’t sound like you’ve been intimate that many times so I’d give it a bit more time.

If I knew that I was getting (deeply) emotionally attached I would be incredibly cautious. I’d be very worried about either getting stuck with a lifetime of bad sex. Or making the pain even worse when I do break it off…

@Trulyme I'm definitely a moaner and told him specifically he was doing something well. I can only do it more and tell him in advance I need him to spend longer down there.

We've been intimate twice. We did spend a long time undressed and just exploring yesterday.

This aside he has definite long term and father potential. I'm willing to spend a bit longer but if it isn't resolved in so many weeks to months I'll need to do a hard thing (pardon the pun).

If he was older I'd suggest a trip to the pharmacy for magic blue pills but at 30 i suspect something else is wrong. By late 50's it's fairly common to need pharmaceutical help especially after alcohol

Also he DID have a strong erection yesterday, we just didn't have sex with it. I was scared of putting pressure on the penis 😂

He said he thought it would help to do mutual masturbation yesterday. We did (with some help from me) and he was moaning a lot but didn't orgasm

It depends whether you think it is fixable or not.

Sex was great from the off with my now DH but I didn't orgasm from then off, it took a bit of time of us getting to know each other and find out what works - but once we found that point, it's been amazing ever since.

But if the problem is physical, it's not as easy to fix.

Did you wait so long to have sex because you wanted to or was it because he wanted to?
If it was him that wanted to wait and he wasn't honest about his performance issues I would feel deceived tbh!

Ah it's just typical to have met someone I care about so much after years of meeting men I didn't feel that way about and have this issue.

He also told me he's never come from oral previously and oral is my thing! My great skill in bed 😂

So how many weeks or months would you wait?

If you’re prepared to stick with bad sex then stick it out. Not sure I could do this.

There's quite a lot of harsh comments here.
Flip it. What if he is thinking 'she's not doing it for me?'
He's not a performing monkey and yes he may be experienced in having sex, but as I said, every body is different. Hes also not a mind reader.
As a pp suggested, maybe sex with his previous partner wasn't true, whether he was told he was good but wasn't or he didn't fully find his turn ons.
If you feel he has the long term potential and thats what you are looking for, then don't cut and run just yet.
For what it's worth, my husband was 30 when we got together. He'd had long term relationships so know the mechanics of sex.
I'd been married before too, with 2 older children.
I found part of the fun and turn on was to learn and relearn.....then practice practise practise!!!