Amazing guy but the sex

[BrionyM]

Seeing a man for a few months. Gradually fallen in love and he has many wonderful partnership qualities. We seemingly have strong chemistry, always kidding and touching and affectionate outside bed.

The first time we tried sex we had intercourse twice, lasted a few minutes each time before he went soft. He went down on me & fingered me but I didn't cum which bothered him.

So over the last of week he stopped masturbating before we met. This time we didn't attempt intercourse at all. Again he went down on me and it felt amazing but I didn't get there so he gave up after 5 mins.

We did some mutual masturbation and he's otherwise asked if I can 'be patient'. I adore him so want to give it time but sex is very important to me. How much time would you give to see if things improve?

Have you experienced it in a partner? It's an absolute head fuck. Took me so long to work out what was going on. Wish I'd had some "unhealthily obsessed" mumsnetter to mention the possibility much earlier in.

And you do know the stats for men of that age watching porn? You think it isn't impacting a significant number of relationships?

He's not a child or a dog, FFS.

Nope I do not. Only in the world of Mumsnet.

No. Sorry. If sex is very important to you, then this one doesn't sound compatible.
🙂

But it probably would explain a lot.

Where else do you think a bloke gets the idea that women are having loud orgasms after five minutes of oral sex?!

OP has said herself he had to stop wanking for a WEEK to get hard enough for them to have sex.

But I am of the opinion that sex problems in a relationship are a two sided issue. For every man who uses Pornhub for sex education, there is a woman who doesn't clearly communicate her own needs to a partner. Some men need to be told 'touch me here' or 'keep doing this'. If you're not able to tell a partner what you want or need from him for whatever reason, it won't work. End of.

I would give it time but be open. I can do without penetrative sex a lot of the time if everything else is amazing. The last guy (FWB) I was with enjoyed foreplay more or we would mix it up but he found it hard to cum from sex so spent a lot of time on foreplay which was very different for me. Anyway to my point he would spend as long as it took to get me there. Sometimes 10 mins sometimes a good half an hour but he loved doing it. Wasn’t a 5 mins what your not there and out. He would also loose his erection at times (I’m sure it was death grip as he would also struggled to cum like 30-45mins at times) but he would put a cock ring on, and that really helped so maybe he could try that?

Omg the women on here are being so mean! He's clearly really nervous. You need to communicate better with him NOT US!
If 5 mins isn't long enough for you - tell him! You think men were taught this at school? He probably thought she's getting bored and lost his nerve.
There are so many things you can do with toys, medication, sex counselling if it comes to it but all I think what this needs is more time, practice and openness.
If you love him, then trust him and talk to him.
And turn off Mumsnet or the man haters on here will warp your brain.

😂 😂 😂

Hair dye gave a very good analysis of each point. I agree with her. He's blaming others at every point. And he is selfish. That is a massive red flag.

Presumably he has had medical investigations and advice on this? If he hasn't then I'd dump him immediately.

This can be a sign of underlying health issues.

I'm not saying this guy is addicted to porn as no idea, but I do think a lot of younger guys are crap in bed because they think women cum in 2 minutes of vigorous fingering/oral or whatever. And a lot of women in real life also fake it because they feel bad if it's taking 'too long' and that also reinforces this idea. I admit myself in younger years to fake it because I felt I was letting the guy down and they would get frustrated if it took more than a few minutes.

It sounds like this guy is good at the actual act, he's just not spending enough time and being patient enough to get you to finish!

If you know what works for you tell him. Communication is key. Or buy some toys work it out for yourself then involve him. I wouldn’t give up yet. He definitely needs to be trying for longer.

Just playing MN bingo on this thread.

Death grip - tick
Cut your losses - tick
Has anyone suggested he might be gay yet?

Honestly op if it were me I'd give the poor guy a chance. He doesn't sound sexually confident but that can improve in time. Most couples take a while to get to know each other sexually and things generally do improve when you become more comfortable with each other.

My dh and I have had plenty of issues but we communicated and worked through them and things are much better between us now.

People are so quick to throw in the towel when even one element of an otherwise good guy isn't perfect. It's depressing.

I’d straight up tell him before sex that 5 minutes isn’t enough in real life - the lovely ladies on the internet are pretending when they’re apparently done in 3. Set yourself a deadline - another month? - if things don’t improve, move on. You’re in the new relationship honeymoon stage where it’s as good as it’s ever going to be. If be can’t pull his finger out (or rather put a hard penis in, and give you a long, satisfying oral session) now, it’s only going to get worse.

Think about your medium long term plan. Is he relationship material? Do you want a family? Would he be a great father and family man. Sex is very important but you need to see if he also is right in other ways and if the sex has scope for improving. I would see how things go for a few more months.

It might be a confidence issue? My partner couldn't orgasm at first with me and went to a sex therapist to sort it out as was tied up with the infidelity of his ex wife. Problem resolved and no issues ever since! He needs to be willing to address the issue and talk about it, but some time and taking the pressure off might help.

I see many people saying that it will not be resolved and will not improve. That is just bollocks though. There is no reason to imagine that this is not fixable.

How do you feel about doing sex therapy with him? He could do it alone, but it is more effective if you go too. It has a very high success rate.

There is a great book- The New Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld which is worth a read.

There are also delay sprays and creams which work for some.

I think it is important that you communicate your needs to him and that you both can discuss what is going on. If he is worth the effort, you can overcome this.

He’s asked you to be patient with him but he gave you 5 mins to orgasm then gave up because you didn’t? Maybe he should be patient.

I wondered this. Does he also expect it to be all done in 5 minutes because women climax instantly in porn and on TV. Poke it in, climax noisily. Have a cup of tea

This.
I think there's a decent chance this is easily fixed, and there's a lot of good stuff between you.

I'm so nosy- I'm dying to know what the 'mild kink he stumbled across' was!

this man is selfish
has a clear sexual problem but is not working on it, in fact has the absolute AUDACITY to inflict this on other women
he is blaming OP

how he is acting here tells you he is not an ‘otherwise good guy’
How he is operating here tells you so much about him.

a good man would:

• not blame OP
• be seeking therapy for his sexual issues
• be pleasuring OP to orgasm, not giving up after 5 minutes

this is not a good man. Throw him back OP

Not every woman wants to work through a bunting of red flags of just to snag a bloke with issues

The bar is in hell

satan is doing the limbo under it

So there's two issues here.

1. He stops going down on you too soon, but seems interested in pleasing you, thinks he's not good at it, and says he wants you to tell him what works and what doesn't. Did you tell him 'don't stop' when he was stopping and then he threw a wobbly and stopped anyway? Or you just didn't say? Did you tell him after? It sounds like he simply doesn't know how long he needs to be down there. It can be very intimidating down there, not being very sure how things are feeling for the person, not wanting to sound like an idiot and ask, not sure if the person actually comes that way etc..... so with this, I would just nicely and plainly instruct in the positive - in the moment and outside the moment. Tell him you generally take x mins to come ( and use a generous estimate, so there's no pressure). Some times it can be useful to essentially show them when you're not actually trying to have a sexy session... just where/when/what pressure you like.... whether it's about the same thing constant or mixing up, or a predictable escalation etc... it can seem obvious to us but it's really not! And he's saying he wants that clarity from you. So trust him. If he THEN doesn't deliver then it's a character issue not experience issue, and time to get rid.

1. The erection issues. No experience with this, but I'd give it 4 months to see a genuine improvement otherwise sounds like he is stuck there.....?

If you put sex aside op how is he at communicating? Is he open honest. Do you feel comfortable to tell him your thoughts feelings in general and guidance during sex without having to worry about his ego? What do his other relationships in his life look like? How good is he at compromising navigating difficult conversations.

Good sex that can sustain a long term relationship is all about communication as well as mindset.

None of us here can say for sure what's going on for him. I counsel men recovering from sex addiction and porn addiction. This is a classic symptom. So it's worth investigating further if you want to give the relationship a go. What I would say is its a much bigger issue than just the physicality of keeping an erection. There is a deficit in maturity. There is a long road of therapy ahead of them. They have to reset their body and brain have a complete mindset change. That's not to say its all doom and gloom. But really think carefully if that's the relationship you want. He needs to be honest with you if he has started his own recovery (possibly indicated that he knows abstaining from masturbation will help)about the levels of support he will need from you. He needs to have the right mindset to appreciate what he is asking of you.

Head over to porn free on reddit and love after porn on reddit many resources on there to help you decipher if this feels like it could be what's going on.

Your brain on porn is a great website too for understanding the science behind it and resetting the body and brain.

It's not mean for women to expect high quality sex and for their lover to actually care about their pleasure and put in the effort. He's an adult man who will have years of experience, what he was taught in school is irrelevant. He can't give a good fuck and he sounds selfish to improve. If sex is not that important to you personally, then fair enough but a lot of women won't be fobbed off with any old crap.