Amazing guy but the sex

[BrionyM]

Seeing a man for a few months. Gradually fallen in love and he has many wonderful partnership qualities. We seemingly have strong chemistry, always kidding and touching and affectionate outside bed.

The first time we tried sex we had intercourse twice, lasted a few minutes each time before he went soft. He went down on me & fingered me but I didn't cum which bothered him.

So over the last of week he stopped masturbating before we met. This time we didn't attempt intercourse at all. Again he went down on me and it felt amazing but I didn't get there so he gave up after 5 mins.

We did some mutual masturbation and he's otherwise asked if I can 'be patient'. I adore him so want to give it time but sex is very important to me. How much time would you give to see if things improve?

Yeah fuck it ! Give it a go, you will naturally come to more of a decision with time.

If you like him give him a chance. If he is asking you to tell him what to do then tell him. Be direct with each other. Communication is vital. Given his problems he most likely lacks confidence in that area. Help him find confidence.

If he's good in every other way then I would definitely stick at it for a while. My two best relationships started off with this issue but they resolved within a few weeks. I think both were really keen on me and the nerves were getting in the way.

IMO if he's going soft at the beginning when everything should be exciting and passionate, it's not going to get better.
Give him a few more weeks and then if it doesn't improve, walk away.
Life's too short.

Isn’t that what viagra is for?

He has the death grip that men get when they overdose on porn.

@Nots456 he does seem to be really into me otherwise. Says he finds me very attractive.

He did actually indulge a mild kink of mine which he apparently shares. I didn't bring it up, he just sort of stumbled across it. 😀 Previous ex we had generally good sex but he didn't enjoy it. That's something!

How have you jumped to that conclusion?

This is it @IHateLegDay

It's all well and good for him to say it's me,not you, you're attractive etc etc. But you can't help taking it to heart a bit

Last sex partner was a FWB and like the energiser bunny. Not good partner material but dynamite in bed.

It's the answer to everything on here, it seems.

I know very well that the guys I've dated with ED, PE, and DE definitely weren't experiencing death grip. But it's just an easy answer to throw out so it gets repeated ad infinitum.

So he wants you to be patient with him but sounds like he has no patience with you?

goes down on you for a mere 5 minutes
gets sulky that you didn’t come aren’t faking orgasms for his ego
Is 30 years old with ED and isn’t going to the doctor
is turning this all around on you for not ‘communicating’

such an amazing guy

But are you able to communicate with him or are you afraid of upsetting him?

He's asking you to be patient with him but he's not patient with you....sounds like you could have got there if he kept going for longer than 5 minutes, why didn't you ask him to keep going?

Was it because he seemed so down about it and you didn't want to upset him? Was it because you were nervous that after seeing how bothered he was after you didn't cum in 5 minutes that you were nervous about his reaction if you asked him to keep going and you didn't cum in 10 minutes?

Sorry but I think a lot of people on here are being too harsh! He may need some co fence building and kindness! The ED thing could be confidence, experiment, have some wine first (not too much!) and get lost in the moment! Not everyone is a sex god, some need confidence. Oh you really like everything else about him, then IMO he's worth the time and trouble to find some way forwards

It’s possible that he is inexperienced. He has many positive qualities- could you teach him how to please you?

This.

He's got loads of red flags for selfishness. You're currently in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. If he's selfish in one area he'll be selfish in other areas too. At the moment he's probably trying to compensate for being crap in bed.

Again he went down on me and it felt amazing but I didn't get there so he gave up after 5 mins.

Most women wouldn't get there in 5min! Then he has the cheek to ask you to "be patient". He doesn't believe in patience. It's code for "I want you to put up with this."

But yes, I agree on the patience front! I think he's taking it personally.

Because it's not about giving you pleasure, it's about giving himself the ego boost of thinking he made you orgasm so he's such a great lover. He feels so entitled to this ego boost he's getting annoyed when he doesn't get it (and in only 5min too!).

The thing is that what he's doing is very good. After giving me oral he says 'I definitely need more practice' or berating himself

So he tries to get the ego boost through reassurance instead. There's no need for him to berate himself openly. If it was genuinely just low self esteem he'd keep it to himself. Instead, not only do you have your own frustration of bad sex to deal with, you're supposed to deal with his frustration that you're a human being and not an ego boosting sex robot. He's trying to put the responsibility on you for making everything alright with his emotions, he feels bad and you're supposed to fix it. Have you tried not reasurring him, just remaining neutral and see what reaction that gets you? Bet he gets even more annoyed.

He says I'm more experienced as well, which is true, but getting stuck on that isn't helpful.

He's trying to blame you for his issues. Insinuating it's your fault he can't keep it up because you intimidate him with your experience. Is also conveniently something you can't change. So if it's on you to fix this situation and you can't, that means he gets to be crap in bed forever and you have to put up with it because it's all your fault anyway.

This relationship is going nowhere, not because he's crap in bed but because he has an attitude problem. Everything is someone else's fault and he's entitled to get whatever he wants. It's not an attitude that makes a great partner.

I’d be seriously concerned that at 30 he’s no good and especially not seeking help with it. I bet loads of porn hasn’t helped him either…it won’t improve and if you’re looking for someone to settle down with then at 32 you’re wasting your time here. You’ll kick yourself if you stay and it doesn’t improve.

I recently went out with a guy who was 5 years older than me.
We had a great rapport, lots of interesting discussions but disastrous in bed!
To start with he got into bed with his underpants on, after we had been dating a while he stopped that but never had sex. We tried several times but he couldn't keep an erection. He also hid himself when he used the bathroom which I found very odd from a grown man. We talked several times about him taking viagra, he said he went to the doctors several times and the doctor apparently advised him not to take it but eventually I believed he made that up.
The oddest thing was he was so affectionate outside the bedroom, constantly touching me in public which actually became bloody annoying!
I ended it after 7 months (should have been sooner)
Do yourself a favour, run a mile from this man, at 30 he is not going to change.

I would be worried about this. I am 32 and would not want to be so unsure a few months in about the sex life. Falling hard for him and the sex life then not being enough would be awful. 30 is quite young and if you like sex he might not be the guy for you.

I'm seeing someone older (41) and he has been up front about a low sex drive due to antidepressants. We still have sex and the fact he's been upfront has made it less of an issue. He's very good in bed, maintains an erection, hasn't yet made me orgasm but is clearly keen to etc. if he had ED I may well have walked away. Someone I dated last year did and didn't seem to care enough to do much about it. I think it's their attitude to it that's the big deal.

Is everyone ignoring the elephant in the room? Porn and death grip. It also gives men unrealistic ideas of how women irl will respond to a minimal bit of stimulation.

He's 30, been on his own for some time, he'll have got used to porn and is now not much good as a sexual partner.

Women blaming themselves and turning themselves inside out to try to make things better while the word porn is left unsaid is madness.

Cut your losses, OP. It's not your job to unpick this, and highly unlikely to be worth trying.

Do you envisage children in your future? If you do then any sexual work round may see you sexually fulfilled but with conception issues. And that's also if this doesn't start to get you down if you internalise. He has now and has the problem but hasn't solved it for himself. He shouldn't be looking for you to.

Does he watch a lot of porn?

Mumsnets unhealthy obsession with porn and "Death grip" is rather amusing.

If it helps, I spent longer reading this thread than he spent giving you oral sex.

So there's that.

Encourage him. Build his confidence. It’ll get better.