Married with multiple sex partners

[Multijoy]

Long term poster, (woman in late forties, married to man), NC for this.

Two things to say up front:

1. No, I don't think this makes me cool or that it is right for everybody. Completely respect that many people would not want to do this. But it's maybe interesting to some people to ask about.

1. My lifestyle is 100% honest and transparent with everybody involved and mutually enjoyed by all. I have never cheated, and will never cheat. I have been cheated on in the past and it was devastating. This is a radically different thing.

Ask away and I'll do my best to answer all questions.

Does Your husband also have multiple sex partners? Do your partners have multiple sex partners? Do you use protection and do you worry about std’s?

Are you still in love with your DH?

Do you see it as part of your sexuality, I.e you can’t be sexually fulfilled with just one partner? Have you ever had a threesome including your dh?

Yes, we both have multiple partners. We do what's called 'playing together' so we invite others in to join us. Single men, single women, or other couples.

Yes, always use protection, and test regularly and ask for others' testing records,

We're cautious about stds in this way. We also don't have hundreds of partners. We 'play' about once every few months, often with repeat play partners....

Yes, I am madly in love with my husband.

We could both be happy without it, as our lives together are great.

I think some couples get into this because they feel a gaping hole and I'm skeptical that can ever work well.

I think it's part of my sexuality to a point- I definitely enjoy sex with both men and women, and enjoy sex with multiple people at once. But if my DH wanted to be exclusive, I'd honour that and be happy. Just more of my fantasies would stay as fantasies.

Oh sorry- missed your last question, though I may have answered it. Yes, I have had threesomes and foursomes including my husband:

What's called mmf (man,man,female, with me the female)

And ffm (female, female, male), with a woman joining us

And mmff (another couple joining us(

Have you got kids at home still?

I don't think you should be living this lifestyle if you do, but if you don't and as long as you're both on the same page, then fair enough. Each to their own.

Do you or DH ever find yourselves getting jealous? Thank you for being open and posting, it's not something I could personally do but I do find it very interesting.

Does your DH engage sexually with men as well as the women?

Have you got kids at home still?

I don't think you should be living this lifestyle if you do

I highly doubt OP does this while the kids are around 😂

How do couples get into this?

Every time I've read a thread on here it seems to be, to paraphrase, our relationship isn't working, neither of us wants to end the relationship and one of us wants permission to have a fling/affair and the other person feels like they're backed into a corner because they don't want to end the relationship but it's obvious their partner has someone in mind.

I guess I sometimes wonder if couples agree early on that this is something they'd consider, but how does it come up?

Do you ever worry that feelings will get involved?

I am divorced, and all play happens when my DC are far away with their dad.

How do you find your play partners? Do you meet first or have a conversation about boundaries before you get together?

There’s so many odd balls out there. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you felt uncomfortable and had to stop and if so was your DH supportive of you in the moment?

What would happen if you or your partner develop feelings for one of your regular casual play flings? Would you get into a poly relationship?

My DH was born without the jealous gene. No idea how. At first, I felt a bit concerned/insulted..... how could he not be jealous if he really loved me? But actually I've come to believe there is something very selfless and pure in it. His boundaries are that I'm safe and having pleasure - not that my body belongs to him.

I was worried I would feel jealous, and we 'built up' to him being with another woman. I was very surprised when if finally happened, and I thought it was beautiful to watch and a turn on.

I think we might be jealous or insecure if we felt we were falling in love with someone else, r preferred them to us.... but not from sharing sexual pleasure

No he's straight, so in mmf, I get lavished with lots of attention!

Shouldn't this be in the sex topic?

Agree that's often the scenario, and I worry for those couples. I think it's crucial that it's genuinely both parts of the couple who feel they'd enjoy their lives more if they do this. (Which is the case for us).

For us, so brought it up.... initially, I had curiosity about going to a strip club with him, but I hate the idea of there being women who don't want to be there/ in difficult circumstances/ being paid etc...

So I started googling around freer sexual experiences when everybody is just doing what they want.

We took it very slow at first. The guest thing we did was an online sex party.... so we knew we would just be with each other, could switch off at any time, but could see/talk to others and get sexy virtually. Felt very safe and I was amazed by how turned on I was. Took little advancing steps from here- me always leading and choosing what I wanted/felt ready for, because DH was more relaxed about it all!

Have there any been any issues with jealousy, for you or your husband?
Have you ever felt yourself developing strong feelings for any of your sexual partners?

So you only actually do this about 3 times a year? What if one of you wanted to do it more regularly, say every week. Do you think that would effect your marriage more? Seems like 3 times a year is more a kink to me, not regular multiple partners.

There are lots of sites. It's very parallel to normal dating. Some are like huge meat markets, where you have to filter hugely... others more like communities, with a bit freer sex round the edges.

I filter online by quite a range of criteria (including their verifications on these sites - it's a bit like sex Airbnb !) then chat online for a while, then if I'm feeling it. I'll invite them to meet me and DH for a social coffee somewhere public.... if we are then all feeling it, we may invite them for a 'play date'

Yes, tons of odd and unsafe stuff out there, so filtering is very important. And my DH also is built like a security guard, and I never meet alone (though he would be fine with that). I think it must be a very hard and scary world for women to navigate alone if they want this lifestyle.

Yes, we've had situations when suddenly I've felt less comfy and cancelled or redefined my boundaries- he has always been 100% instantly not just supportive, but helping me enforce that... n fact one of the things we had to work through was him learning to relax and enjoy himself rather than be fully focussed on me being ok!

That's very insightful. Thank you again for the post!

Great question.

I don't think we'd ever want a situation when someone else became an equal partner or even close.

But we deeply care about a couple of our women play partners. I'd call it almost love- If they were having a problem with their lives, one or both of us would go see them and support them and talk and listen etc as you would for any dear friend....

We've never reached the point yet we have a 'romantic excitement' for anybody else. We have so much of that for each other, it's hard to imagine, but I guess we would deal with it and communicate if it did.

Hi OP

I’m more polyam than ENM, but this is the first AMA I’ve seen on this topic, so signing in to say hello and thank you for starting the thread!

It just depends how busy we are, it could end up more once a month, or couple of weeks.

We don't see it as a link, but certainly it's a 'cherry on top' of our lives, like going out for an amazing meal or a beautiful holiday, it's not essential to our daily lives.

Our daily lives are full of all the normal love, work, ups and downs of married life.

My pleasure- welcome!

For those who don't know,
ENM is ethical non-monogamy