Married with multiple sex partners

[Multijoy]

Long term poster, (woman in late forties, married to man), NC for this.

Two things to say up front:

1. No, I don't think this makes me cool or that it is right for everybody. Completely respect that many people would not want to do this. But it's maybe interesting to some people to ask about.

1. My lifestyle is 100% honest and transparent with everybody involved and mutually enjoyed by all. I have never cheated, and will never cheat. I have been cheated on in the past and it was devastating. This is a radically different thing.

Ask away and I'll do my best to answer all questions.

Hi @OMGyesyesyesohno (love the username by the way.... ! )

General horny, not thread-specific - got it!

And totally get that this might not suit.

Just want to clarify one thing though - there is nothing our play partners can't suggest or anything they aren't allowed to reciprocate. They are welcome to initiate a meet, invite us to their homes, ask to meet more frequently, or say they'd prefer to meet in a hotel. We'd be open to all of those, depending on feeling safe/ having availability etc. They are also free to set their own ground rules of any kind. I'm just saying what I tend to suggest, when we are initiating the invitation.

@Multijoy can you answer my question please.

Thanks for answering, I did wonder how it might be difficult to find a similar level of attraction with a couple.

Does your DH have a type that he goes for? Have you felt insecure if you feel she’s more attractive, both physically and looks? Would this mean that you will not allow her to join you and your DH? Or are
you able to put those insecurities aside?
I’m really enjoying reading this thread, it has been eye opening.

@QueenVixen , glad it's eye opening. 😊

It would be a deal breaker for me, if I felt my DH was avidly searching out women who were a type who felt different and impossible for me to be. That would make me feel rotten. I'm not confident enough about myself to be immune to that.... my body confidence has improved over the last 8 years from therapy after my divorce and through my relationship with DH, but it's far from bullet-proof. I am curvy (to put it generously) and definitely at least 20lbs plain overweight. And I'm definitely starting to age/ becoming peri. So if he were consistently after much thinner, way younger women... basically a totally different kind of woman to who I can be, .... that would cut a bit.

Fortunately, my DH tends to be most excited by women who are quite like me..... ie curvy women, and quite often the same age or a bit older than us. That doesn't mean I need every woman to be less attractive than me - but in the same basic broad realm as a general pattern feels good for me, because DH's desire for them feels compatible with his desire for me, and I also feel more accepted and less self conscious. I also have a personal preference for curves too.

As said by, @WilkinsonM , key is a deep belief that your DH ultimately wants you the most in the long term. As long as that's in place, I can at this point be pretty relaxed and delighted if he hooks up with someone we both consider to be utterly gorgeous. Happened two weeks ago, and it was delightful! She undoubtedly was objectively more gorgeous than me by almost every measure! I felt pretty privileged to be in bed with her...... but strange thing is she seemed really into both of us too!

That is one thing I have discovered and experienced over and over again. If you are a good human, and lovely, attentive, physically confident in yourself, sexually passionate and giving as well as receiving, most people really don't give a shit if you've got a little belly overhang! That has been a very nice discovery, after a previous long marriage to somebody who never thought my lumps and bumps were in the right places!

@Multijoy love your last post and I agree, it has done wonders for my body confidence too ❤️ (similar weight/age) - it’s amazing how attitude and loveliness are so key

I agree it's tricky finding another couple, where everybody is basically equally attractive and attracted to each other! And because I am pickier (maybe women are generally?) I'm normally the one holding things back. I think there are also a fair number of couples on the scene, when the woman is significantly more attractive than the man, and/or clearly making more effort. The man seems to be 'coming along for the ride' more. It is also a trend, which REALLY pisses me off, for couples profiles to feature only the woman's photographs. This really frustrates me- it's like saying the woman is the merchandise to be judged, while I should be happy to give myself to whatever anonymous, unaccountable man is dragging along beside her.... It's fine if they are looking for single men, and not expecting the man of the couple to have sexual contact, but if I'm meant to get excited to be with them, then grrr.

I've turned away from plenty play opportunities for this issue..... much better to be a party pooper than end up half heartedly being with someone who really doesn't excite you! It can be a bit tough on DH of course, but he understands. (I have contemplated sometimes letting him play solo in the scenario that he is attracted but I'm not.... but hasn't happened yet, and is a bit awkward if it started as a couple to couple connection).

Got it. I’m perhaps a little over sensitive to it.

(the username is a nc in relation to another issue I was going to post about when this caught my eye and I got distracted. I must go and do it!)

It's also worth noting that the dynamic can change very much depending on location.

DP had a few play dates with an absolutely gorgeous woman before he met me. She subsequently found a regular partner and, some time later, we invited the two of them to mine for a weekend. Cue a lovely dinner and lots of foursome fun. Her partner had never swapped before and was a bit shy but we all had a lovely time together.

A few months later we went to a KK party with them. As soon as play started, DP and the woman were all over each other. I started playing with her partner but he couldn't get an erection. I got increasingly frustrated at watching DP going at it with a big grin on his face whilst I was feeling increasingly insecure and unattractive. The reality was that the man was just totally overwhelmed with everything going on around him, all the visual stimulation in the room, but there's nothing like a flaccid cock to make a girl feel undesirable!

I didn't want to stop DP having fun so I just excused myself and legged it to the bar. DP found me and was mortified that he hadn't spotted my discomfort. We spent the rest of the night playing together and cheering me up!

We've seen them again since and it's all fine. But it was a good lesson for DP and I to regularly check in with each other throughout play and to have a codeword or way of communicating if one of us is uncomfortable or needs some space away.

Very interesting thread
I have a question, more out of idle curiosity really,
what proportion of the men and women in the scene are bisexual?
It seems from posts/replies I’ve read on on MN and other forums that pretty much the women seem to be bi.

Neither DP or I are actually bi but we both play with the same sex. We have met lots of couples where both are bi or both bi playful as we are. We aren't very interested in couples where the man is totally straight and the woman bi or where both are totally straight as we prefer not to be limited.

@Multijoy & @WilkinsonM

When you've been alone with your partner, do you ever think of the bodies* of people you've played with, that have then turned you on even more and made the sex even hotter? And do you tell your partner that you're thinking of someone else?

(*I know saying 'bodies of' objectifies them but also at that moment in time it wouldn't be their sense of humour making you hot 😉)

No, I don't. My DP is hotter than every man his age that I've ever played with 😆 that's the thing about being 40s/50s - the body acceptance is lovely but people are definitely middle aged! I wouldn't want to go for a younger person and nor would DP. My DP is slim, fit, toned and tall and runs rings around most men his age 😁
My DP does fantasise more than I do but he tells me I always feature in the starring role 🤣
I know you joked about people's sense of humour but actually it is still far more about personality than looks. One of the most fun men I've played with is very flabby and not well endowed but he's got a wicked sense of humour and an excellent personality. Just having rock hard abs and a large dong isn't going to float my boat.

No, I know what you mean about the abs etc v personality! I couldn't think how to word it, but it was around that point of fantasising about others, which in the heat of the moment could come down to physicality more than anything else.

I love that you and your partner are so into each other, and so in sync

Ooh thats interesting, i tend to think that anyone who played with the same sex was by default bi sexual.
i am straight and to be honest cant ever see myself wanting to touch or be touched by another woman.

Heteroflexible is another way of putting it! But it doesn’t sound like you are, which is also fine.

Me, oh, I am very much heterostraighjacket!

I wrote a bit about this a few comments down. From my experience, it's more common for the woman to say they are bi than the man.

I think of 'proper bi' as meaning you could just as easily fall in love with same sex or would find it just as exciting to have a full same sex session, as you would opposite sex. By that definition, I'm definitely not bi. But I am perfectly happy (and enjoy), being fully sexual with a woman in the context of a threesome... So I use the phrase, bi-playful. Another phrase I like is 'heteroflexible'. I take that to mean 'in the heat of the moment, you are relaxed about some same sex sexual acts, but your core drives are heterosexual'. I can see my DH heading there, but he has straight on his profile, and he has never had any male on male contact.... I think the 'leap' feels bigger for a man....

That's interesting, @WilkinsonM that your man is transparently biplayful.... was that a journey for him? I'm curious! And does it feel any different seeing your man with a man? I try to imagine it and struggle a little! I think I might feel a bit left out and unnecessary! .... see, I'm learning too now!

My wife does say she's Bi but I have never described myself as such even though I have intimate MM sex with both the M in our couple with benefits and with her main FwB, even though she refers to him as her fuck buddy. She also has intimate FF sex with the F

With both Ms it used to be that we would occasionally have non intimate MM sex as part of a threesome, but now it is most times, although with the couple it is mainly a straight swap so to speak, 2x MF, with some threesomes and most time with her main FB it's just the two of them.

My main FwB can't bear the thought of touching another woman but is fully aware, and happy for me to bi in the situations that I am.

Yes and explicitly so!
I'd say there is a more tender, less amped up, 'love making' we do, which I prefer to keep between us. I don't really care what goes on in DH's mind - it's a free country and God knows all kinds of crazy stuff happens in my mind during sex, but it wouldn't attune well for me, if I feel I'm having a tender moment and he comes out with "yeaaaahhhh I'm imaging you doing X with Y".

But at other times, he absolutely will - either with real play partners, or fantasies.... it adds extra spice in certain moments. Generally we remain 'star of the show' in these fantasies- it's much more about the fantasy of group sex than any individual turning us on.

Very similar to @WilkinsonM , I just think my man is the most gorgeous, hot man in the world... so there's never a situation when it feels like 'the heat' is focussed on a different person.

"My wife does say she's Bi but I have never described myself as such even though I have intimate MM sex"

So I'm curious, @bedtimeisthebest ...if you have MM sex, what's the reason that you don't describe yourself as bi? Is that because you don't internally see yourself that way, or you have some concerns about how others would see you?

Im also interested how you got started with MM, if it's not part of your self identity? Was it a leap for you?

Thank you, if you are happy to share.

"it is still far more about personality than looks. One of the most fun men I've played with is very flabby and not well endowed but he's got a wicked sense of humour and an excellent personality. Just having rock hard abs and a large dong isn't going to float my boat."

@WilkinsonM I have to admit, you are a better person than me! I feel this way about women, but I do look for a pretty good body in my male play partners! I have to like them and they need some intelligence, but I do have a slightly transactional attitude beyond that! Maybe because I'm spoilt by my DH (though sounds like you are too!!) Very cheeky, I know, considering I'm far from perfect myself!

I think for him as he's quite impulsive it was the work of a moment to go from 'maybe I could try it' to 'I'm doing it' 😆 we were with a lovely fully bi couple and he was very into DP and very complimentary so it felt right. I knew he was open to the idea but didn't expect him to dive right in 🤣 I enjoyed it but do prefer watching him with another woman. It's all good fun though! I wouldn't feel left out, I know he isn't really bi and he's not likely to 'prefer' being with a man or want to take it out of occasional group fun.

Nothing cheeky about it!! The beauty of this lifestyle is you never have to settle and if abs is what you want then you don't have to settle for anything else! God knows there are always fit young men with abs wanting to get involved 😆
We aren't exactly vanilla so I'm more into someone who tickles my fancies in that aspect than what they look like.

Gosh lots to learn and so very interesting to see how people define themselves and how we define others based on our own standpoint.
As some who is totally straight ( the thought of being up close and personal with another womans vulva gives the the ick-sorry) I’d personally class anyone who has contact with both male and female genitalia as bi!