Married with multiple sex partners

[Multijoy]

Long term poster, (woman in late forties, married to man), NC for this.

Two things to say up front:

1. No, I don't think this makes me cool or that it is right for everybody. Completely respect that many people would not want to do this. But it's maybe interesting to some people to ask about.

1. My lifestyle is 100% honest and transparent with everybody involved and mutually enjoyed by all. I have never cheated, and will never cheat. I have been cheated on in the past and it was devastating. This is a radically different thing.

Ask away and I'll do my best to answer all questions.

Thank you! I'm glad it's interesting for people. It's often a world shrouded in mystery... can't do any harm to share plain information.

Great reply!

Very well put...

My set up is slightly different in that I also play separately from DP. Not because I'm dissatisfied with any aspect of our physical relationship, but simply because we "outsource" some of the more masochistic stuff I like to do.

It's taken us a while to get to a point where we're both relaxed about it. Initially, he was insecure that I'd find someone "better" than him and leave. To be fair, I had a similar worries when he played with other women. That jealousy and insecurity comes from a place of fear. Fear of losing the person you love. People who practice ENM do still get those feelings, it's natural.
However, our communication is so honest, almost brutally so, that we're able to navigate those difficult emotions together.

As you say OP, our relationship is so much more than just sex. A play partner is no substitute for everything we mean to each other, the relationship we've built. And now we've settled into a kind of routine with people we trust and care for, we just don't have those same concerns. DP knows that my regular play partner has a GF and isn't out to steal me away from him. He and I text on a regular basis but only meet every couple of months. There's no romantic intention, I think he's a nice guy and I really like having sex with him!

Have you ever had any “bad” experiences where your initial coffee meet went well but the event itself was not what you hoped for.

How do you select your partners? Is it all about looks/sexual attraction? Do you have a particular body type for example that you tend to gravitate towards

Nothing 'oh my God, this was a mistake' awful.

However some unexpected or slightly misattuned moments. Eg a guy being a bit nervous and needing some time to 'warm up'. There was also a time early on when I got a bit upset with DH. We had had a really lovely threesome with a woman, and had remained post sex, chilling out all naked. I was physically a bit burned out, so looking forward to reuniting with him, just the two of us... but instead, he restarted things with her, and he did so without particularly checking in with me/making eye contact. He didn't do anything more than he had half an hour before, but it felt different to me. Kind of like it excluded me (because I knew I was done) and partly a bit like he hadn't got my consent. It was a manageable uncomfortable feeling, so I didn't voice it at the time, other than just saying 'oh, I'm tired.... ready to head downstairs?' after a few mins... but I did voice that it upset me after she was gone. DH was very apologetic.... but it was just an example of us learning how to do things-

Things are more likely to go wrong, I feel, at sex clubs, because you have no idea who you will encounter. Some clubs are very well managed, and 'good behaviour rules' are drilled into all new members. But occasionally, there might be a man who 'doesn't get how to behave', looking up too close to people who are playing, or talking or relating to women as if they are physical objects.... I've seen that once, but within an hour, staff had had a few complaints and he was asked to leave.

Another club visit went wrong more because of the dynamic between DH and I. Again early on, when we were working out what worked for us. He was going to the club, thinking of himself as my security guard, and expecting me to initiate play. He wasn't particularly relating to me in a sexual way, thinking (very pragmatically) that we can be with each other all the time... this was time for him to be in the background and me to look for other opportunities that we don't normally have. That didn't work for me at all... because he's my aphrodisiac. I wanted it to feel like a special, sexy date for us... and if someone else was invited in, fine, but I'd be happy just being together. That resulted in me feeling undesired by him, getting a bit upset... we stepped outside the club, to talk through what was wrong. I was just feeling vulnerable, just wanting to cuddle and not play with anyone else at that point... I was trying to be a pleaser by saying we could go back in (it's quite an effort to go to a club, so feels a 'waste' just to go home again after an hour, but DH rightly called out that it wasn't feeling right and he drove us home. We then talked through it all and he was amazed (and pleased) to work out that how I related to him was still most important even if we were seeking play opportunities....

There was another situation when we were invited to a get together by a couple we hadn't met.... we were within two hours of going, but the details kept shifting (sometimes it was a pure social, other times possible play scenario, sometimes it sounded like a few friends they knew, but then it looked like they were advertising broadly... they'd only give out a postcode not an actual address, they didn't have many verifications... in the end I called on my gut, and said I didn't want to go, so we cancelled.

Stuff like that.... but have avoided any truly awful encounters! 😁

Are there any particular things which you keep only for when you are with your DH and which are distinct for just the two of you? Or is the boundary of what you do physically with other partners as open, or maybe at least dependent only upon the connection that you are having with them at the time?

Let me answer generally first, then will share my personal situation.

Many people on the scene have very different boundaries. It's totally up to every individual and couple, and it's something that is always discussed in advance. (Or should be! If it's not, it would imply there are no hard boundaries, or someone is making a mistake if not discussing it, possibly if they are new to the scene!) it's a very common question to explicitly ask in advance, and unless it's totally obvious, during play....very often you hear permission sought multiple times during play .... 'can I touch you here....Would you like it if I....' or 'how would it feel to you both, if I...?' etc. if it's a first time play.

Some of the most common boundaries:

• some couples (relatively rare from my experience) prefer not to kiss others. Eg will do plenty 'harder sex' things, but associate kissing more with love and romance, so they withhold that just for their partners. For us, that would shift the sex towards a slightly unnatural, dehumanised transaction, which we wouldn't enjoy. But I understand why some couples do it.

Other couples may be described as 'soft swap' couples. That basically means they don't have penetrative sex with others, but will play with top halves, and may do oral. So in that scenario, the foursome may have full sex with their own partners, while touching etc the other people.

Full swap couples are happy to have full penetrative sex.

Then there are 'only play together' or 'same room players'. Or alternatively, 'play solo also', or 'separate room players'. Some couples explicitly prefer to play separately. For them it's about focusing on a unique experience with somebody else, rather than the group play aspect. They prefer not to be distracted by their own partner, and have a proper one to one encounter with the other person.... then often for those couples, reuniting/ telling each other all about it, is very intense and pleasurable for them. Generally, if couples play separately they are also ok about separate communications with people they may play with. Play-together couples are more likely to expect all communication to be including both of them. (Eg it's seen as a no-no, for someone to send chat messages just to one partner if it's a play-together couple, because that's not seen as respectful towards the relationship. It also gets very complicated to remember who knows what, and to be sure that everybody is genuinely happy with things.

You also have some couples, whose dynamic is more that one member of the couple (normally the man) just watches, while the woman has a full on experience with another man or woman. This can be that the voyeurism/exhibitionism is a form of kink linked to humiliation (called the cuckold dynamic). Or it can simply be that the man finds it beautiful and sexy to watch his gorgeous wife having pleasure, and has the confidence to step back and watch- either to provide a safe presence, and/or to keep it as a pleasurable experience between them too. . (This, as well as when the man is actively involved making it more of a threesome with the other man) is known more as the 'stag' dynamic)

Harder core stuff around Anal, or kinks, tend to be communicated on profiles too, with consent of course sought live in the room too.

The other thing to say, is it's very common for boundaries to start quite restrictive when a couple are first experimenting, then to expand if they feel they are enjoying it, they are becoming more relaxed/secure etc. so there are some over all definitions around the type of couple you are, but everybody on the scene will also know boundaries come down to what people want at the time with specific other people. Generally, I have found this lifestyle far more sensitive and sophisticated around boundaries and consent than the normal world.

So for us personally, we'd broadly be defined as a 'full swap play together' couple, and DH is definitely more s stag... zero 'cuckold' dynamic. We were 'soft swap for about the first six months of exploring'. There is nothing we have agreed to exclude from our play. I can also imagine we might move towards occasional solo plays soon, but not sure.

There are still some differences - both in feel and act- between the sex with others, EG there is definitely a much slower, intimate loving form of love making, versus sex, which I do with my DH sometimes, which I can't imagine feeling inclined to do with a play partner... but these aren't rules. At this point, We feel confident to allow ourselves to bring our full selves to the room and experience whatever we want to.

How do you select your partners? Is it all about looks/sexual attraction? Do you have a particular body type for example that you tend to gravitate towards

Sorry @Deb28777 I think I missed this part of your question before.

I'd say the selection criteria would be very similar to selecting an 'ideal one night stand'.... not from being drunk, or based on who happened to be in a random pub or who approached you, but sitting down and thinking about it, and filtering people. So yes, physical attraction is a qualifying criteria.... and I have to say, there are a lot of attractive, in shape men who are in this lifestyle. As I say, I like muscly! Beyond that, a wider attractiveness (I always look for the look in people's eyes- direct and happy/wholesome eye contact, a conversation style (often over chat to start with) which shows sensitivity, intelligence, responsiveness, asks as much as answers etc, shows respect for my relationship, open warmth towards DH, and curiosity around my boundaries and pleasure.

Safe feeling, obviously, free from any hint of substance abuse (as happy to meet me for coffee as a drink). Happy to share their testing record and take protection as an automatic. I also need to be as convinced as I can that they are single or in ENM. Just like in normal dating, it's impossible to be totally sure, but there are various criteria/tests that I go through - including asking them explicitly, face to face.

It's funny meeting people this way. I've often thought it's like traditional dating but backwards. You will know almost immediately what they look like naked (often on profile pics), and you may well discuss sexual style and boundaries within the first couple of messages, then you might chat to establish camaraderie.... then you see their faces (often held back until you know you have a connection, for discretions sake) and then you meet and see them with their clothes on..... and then, maybe even after you've had sex, you might ask them conventional stuff you'd normally start with (like 'what do you do?') or you might never get to that!

I agree with your reply here. My wife and I both have multiple partners as well as having threesome either with or without each other and this includes MM and FF intimacy.

We also don't have a single a jealous gene. I am delighted that others find her attractive enough to have sex with. We have both watched the other and not got involved and many times we have.

As mentioned above we spoke a lot before introducing others into our life but now it is an important part of it.

We have spoken about developing feelings but are open enough with everyone to know it will not happen.

We have a set of 'rules' which we discussed and agreed before we started and I have posted these on here before.

Many I know will be appalled by our relationship and that is why hardly anyone knows about it, which suits us both

I saw this yesterday when I was thinking of posting a sex question myself. I'm peri and it's made me SUPER horny. I'm finding it quite difficult to find partners that there is spark and connection with. I have considered this sort of thing - occasionally you see them on tinder or similar - but the amount of my vanilla first dates I want to see again, let alone sleep with, is minuscule. The chance of clicking with both partners in an established couple seems ridiculously small!

Anyway, I really wanted to point that this seems very much controlled by you as a couple and somewhat using your to 'play people'. Obviously they are adults and can choose whether to be involved or not, but to be only 'invited' over to play when it suits you and your DH (and so infrequently) seems very unequal to me. Perhaps not so much with another couple, but I'm obviously considering this from the perspective of the third single person (and I bet that's almost always a woman), and I think I would feel very used and sleazy if I were involved in that kind of set up, even I did like and was attracted to the couple. Is there no reciprocity?

Obviously they are adults and can choose whether to be involved or not, but to be only 'invited' over to play when it suits you and your DH (and so infrequently) seems very unequal to me

as a single woman on the scene you'd have your pic of couples if that's what you wanted - single women are courted by both single men and couples. single men are the bottom of the pile and tend to be grateful for whatever interest they get! In a FFM threesome the dynamic is often about focusing on the single woman and it's a lot of fun! I think you're probably slightly misreading the intent of what OP says. Swinging is usually an occasional thing because it's not a relationship you're having with the other people and it's assumed singles are working on their own circle of play partners rather than relying on just one couple IYSWIM? I'm not sure what you mean by reciprocity, You'd set up whatever dynamic between you that worked? I've never met a single woman on the swinging scene who wasn't picky af and living her best life with several people in her circle and lots of attention tbh.

@OMGyesyesyesohno there is a cliche of unicorn hunters, ie a MF couple looking for a woman to join them, fancy them both equally, always see them as a couple and not form individual relationships with them, maybe even be faithful to them. The woman is thus a unicorn ie a rare/mythical creature.

This is very much not what OP is doing.

Unicorn hunters are a rather mocked cliche because it isn’t realistic to expect a single woman to be like that, if you are seeing her with any agency at all.

I understand your point.... and thanks @WilkinsonM for your answer, which I agree with. Single women often have a lot of power, though I do also feel they face more safety issues. And I think couples sometimes treat singles badly, because they are so focussed on their own relationship and needs. I hope we aren't one of those couples. We make a big effort to welcome singles, especially if they are women, to make sure they feel comfortable and they get their desires and needs met I. The encounter.

The single person is actually more often a man for us....(mmf) is my favourite thing.

However, who does the inviting depends. In terms of initiating first interest, it can be anyone. A lot if the men or women we end up playing with, made the first move, to express interest. Sometimes we did. (And of course, we sometimes approach people who reject us too!)
In terms of first invitation to play, I guess partly because I tend to bring people to our home, it is literally a hosting invitation, including sometimes me making the effort to make dinner for our guest(s), and even offer overnight accommodation for couples or single women..... so it feels more like our making the effort, and making ourselves more vulnerable by letting people into our personal world, then us 'using' or 'controlling'.

In terms of repeat visits and their frequency, it's true it's not often, and it's possible that singles feel they are sitting around, waiting.... but nobody has ever expressed that. And as Wilkinson says, it's absolutely assumed that they will be seeking other play opportunities, and they don't owe us anything. For us, it's not at all a throuple kind of situation... they don't owe us anything. so we've had singles who we've invited back, who have said yes, others have moved on into exclusive relationships and say no. Others keep us dangling a bit, saying they'd like to but don't have many dates available etc.... everybody is just getting on with their lives... and if we had played with someone and said we'd be happy to play again, and then that person initiated a new meet up, we'd be totally fine with that. It just feels more like everybody has very busy lives, than that more of the control is with any group.

What Wilkinson says about single men being bottom of the power heap is true overall I think, because there are so many single men wanting to play in this space. However, I would say the single man population has a huge quantity of men who may be trying to be in this space, but aren't succeeding much at all. But there is a much smaller population of single men who I would describe as really high quality players. They are physically very attractive, but also, more importantly, they are fantastic players - that doesn't just mean great in bed, but gentlemen, respectful, dress well, smell great, understand and respect boundaries and how to relate to other players effortlessly, understand the dynamics of this lifestyle and what great behaviour looks like, super classy, great guys, with a ton of great verifications. These tend to be who I go for, and they are not atall disempowered or desperate. They have as much sex as they want and they don't need to put up with any crap. They choose their play partners just the way we do... and we each make real efforts to deserve each other and give each other pleasure.

I'm glad the thread has made you horny!

I've got no wish to judge consenting adults although personally speaking the idea of my DH having sex with another woman fills me with horror. I asked myself would it be due to jealousy. I think ultimately it would be to do with the feeling that our love and especially our intimate relationship is special only to be shared with each other. Again I want to stress this isn't a judgement of those who participate in open marriage, its just not for me or having asked him his thoughts thankfully my DH.

Thank you PansyPolly, all true.

I should also mention that by 'single' I mean people playing solo with us. So they may be actually single or they may be in ENM relationships, but playing solo.

There are a LOT of mf couples who only play with women. While trying to be respectful of all play decisions, my experience of these couples tends to be that the man is simply not willing to have his woman have sex with another man, while he of course gets to have sex with other women. The woman is somewhat happy, perhaps having bicurious or bi elements she wants to satisfy.... and perhaps having more emotional doubts (or fears of being accepted and valued?) when it comes to sex with another man..... so it's essentially 'safer' , but I believe, with an in-built inequity, with the woman still holding on to some of the traditional beliefs around purity/faithfulness required of women, while the man gets his heart's desire. While the man's ego would be threatened by letting another man in, seeing two women play together is often a top fantasy, as well as having two women at once/ getting to sleep with other women. I've spoken to quite a number of women in couples like these, and they are often envious of my DH's open mindedness and have trepidation about even raising the possibility of a man joining them, even though they are well established to have women join.

There are other inequities across the sexes that you will see. Almost every woman identifies with some form of bisexuality (I'd say 90% on profiles). It's generally almost assumed that women are willing to play with other women, and they most often are. - it's generally seen as just sensual, non threatening, open-minded etc.... bisexual men are very hard to find, by contrast. You are much more likely to have men claiming to be straight on their profiles, because there remains quite a stigma/taboo.... this may also be another reason for the male part of some couples not wanting to do mmf... at very least, it means being naked and sexual in the direct vicinity of another naked, sexual man.... that's a fair leap for any straight man (or non straight man) who is not wholly comfortable with his sexuality or masculinity!

Totally understand and respect that.... and not taken as judgement at all. Thank you SkyBlue.

@Multijoy ah, the One Penis Policy 😀

And just to say, this thread isn't here to persuade anybody to try this. It started as an Ask Me Anything, and was moved to the Sex topic..... I'm just hoping the clear info is useful for anyone already thinking about it, and helps people understand some aspects of this lifestyle. If it's helped reassure some people that they want to be exclusive that's all good too!

I'm of course just one example, one way of approaching things. And it's right for me and my relationship at this point in my life. I'm grateful to other posters who have some experience and have popped in to share those insights too, as there is a real multiplicity of ways of doing this. I probably can't describe well parts of the lifestyle I'm not involved in. I'd welcome anybody also who has tried this lifestyle and had bad experiences/ worked out that it is not for them, to pop on and share that too.

This isn't a sales pitch, but rather trying to offer a clear picture. It's such a fundamentally important thing in your relationship to consider, that hearing experiences of others is important.

Does your DH have a type that he goes for? Have you felt insecure if you feel she’s more attractive, both physically and looks? Would this mean that you will not allow her to join you and your DH? Or are
you able to put those insecurities aside?
I’m really enjoying reading this thread, it has been eye opening.

@Multijoy My above post was to you.

That's a good question!
it's only happened once where I've felt a bit insecure while we were at a party - there was a couple there and the woman was gorgeous and the man was so so. They were both lovely fun people but he was definitely more into her than I was into her partner! I had to rein him in as I was done and he could have kept going! It was only a moment, but I decided we won't play with that couple again.
generally insecurity doesn't feature at all. I know 100% we both want each other more than anyone else. This is just an add on.

I can see your point, and I imagine most women are in multiple dynamics. And it’s true it’s not a relationship. I just feel it’s so much treating your single women as an occasional, well, plaything, which is fine, but they are not allowed to reciprocate. I wouldn’t be content with that sort of set up, even though I might if it were more respectful of me as a person. (I‘ve literally no idea what that might look like). I think that having them in your home changes things, and I think that might be what it is. They have no choice but to wait to be invited. It seems very much your turf, your terms. I absolutely would not be happy in a single relationship or even friendship where we only met when I was invited over either, let alone a two-on-one dynamic.

While anyone is free to take it or leave it, I don’t feel that any dynamic where you’re only option is to leave if it’s not working for you is where you are treated respectfully as a person. Everyone should have some influence on basic things like how often you meet. It’s not about power by a kind of person in the community (although that’s important) but about equality in an individual dynamic.

This isn’t intended to be critical. I can see you’re very ethical and thoughtful about all this. It’s just what jumped out at me from my perspective. I will also admit I have not managed to decouple sex and intimacy, and can see it would make life very much easier if I could! I fully appreciate it isn’t a sales pitch. It isn’t this thread making me horny. It’s bloody menopause. I’ve been single for ages and happy with it, and now I’m in no state to be! Those sorts of guys are in massive demand anywhere and not easy to find, and while looking I happened to be musing over a similar invitation I saw just a couple of days ago, so it’s been interesting to see how it works without having to get involved. Thank you for sharing so candidly.

Hear hear, OP!

@OMGyesyesyesohno I personally meet people in hotels and at parties, rather than at home. I prefer to keep that separation.

My set up is different to OP, as I primarily play with one other person at a time, rather than DH and I playing together. I have ongoing interactions with them including friendly texts asking about holidays or whatever. Anyone is free to suggest a meet up.

If it is something you want to explore, there are lots of ways to do it.

@OMGyesyesyesohno the coffee meetings that OP mentions would be a great time to understand mutual expectations and certainly, any woman saying “it’s not going to work for me unless we can meet on neutral ground, unless we can take turns picking dates etc” should be listened to at that point. If needs are mismatched, then people can part ways with no problem.