Married with multiple sex partners

[Multijoy]

Long term poster, (woman in late forties, married to man), NC for this.

Two things to say up front:

1. No, I don't think this makes me cool or that it is right for everybody. Completely respect that many people would not want to do this. But it's maybe interesting to some people to ask about.

1. My lifestyle is 100% honest and transparent with everybody involved and mutually enjoyed by all. I have never cheated, and will never cheat. I have been cheated on in the past and it was devastating. This is a radically different thing.

Ask away and I'll do my best to answer all questions.

There is also a concept of e.g. bi-romantic, @Itsthesamehere - i.e. interested in relationships with both sexes. There are many flags!

Great to know where you are on the spectrum!

The only reason to include slightly more detailed labels (like biplayful and heteroflexible) is that it can be really frustrating for 'full on bi' or 'gay' players to think they have found someone who will really engage fully, to discover that the 'engine' is only half on! I've heard a few 'properly bi' women express that frustration...

For example, I enjoy playing with women, but frankly, after about ten minutes of play, I start looking around for the man! Both together is great, but a full on FF only play does not get me excited. It's like a starter for me - not the main course! So I'd want other women to understand that, in case they are hoping for something else.

Oh interesting! I hadn't heard that one @PansyPolly 😊

Multijoy - that makes a lot of sense.
I am very piv oriented so sex without it is like a chocolate eclair without the chocolate.
Or cream for that matter!

great way of putting it!

One of my male partners is “full bi” and always wistfully hoping that one of my other male partners might not be straight and hence up for intimate group play, No luck for him so far :-D

This thread has been so interesting, thanks for being so candid!

I guess the real reason I don't, outwardly at least, describe myself as Bi is that to all intents and purposes to the outside world my wife and I are happy married. We certainly are, but I know many would be extremely judgemental if they knew our true lifestyle. That's family, friends and colleagues. I just like to keep my private life, private.

To your other question, and in guess in part to your first, I have long being bi-curious. A previous bi partner would only ever entertain a FFM threesome so never fulfilled that.

My wife and I discussed it and said I'd love to try it, her FwB (Fuck buddy as she calls him) asked her once if whenever I watched the two of them having sex, which I did sometime whilst masturbating, if I would want to join in. She mentioned to me I would and so next time I agreed to watch and then he took me in his mouth and so it went on.

I'm not sure if I'd say it was a leap but a big change of direction.

We just aren't though! I know it might seem odd but we do a lot of things sexually in a group situation that we wouldn't necessarily do one to one or enjoy in another context. When we are playing in a group we have an 'anything goes' approach which we find really fun but which means we often interact sexually with people we wouldn't necessarily seek out and definitely wouldn't go for one on one. That doesn't mean we don't enjoy it at the time but as part of a whole experience. I know I wouldn't ever seek a woman as a romantic partner or as a one on one sexual partner so I'm not bi, but I'll get down in a group because it's fun. Same for DP.

I must admit I agree with itsthesamehere and don't understand how anyone can be physically intimate with the same sex unless they were bi. I can look at an attractive woman and see why men would go there. I would have absolutely no desire to go there in any respect whatsoever, in fact I physically couldn't. I feel the very opposite with men.
Interesting though and just saying it as I feel it from my own personal perspective 🤷‍♀️

Ok… but turn that around. If I said I was bisexual but only prepared to play with a woman as part of a group scene, wouldn’t I be misrepresenting myself to any woman who wanted to date me/have sex with me one on one?

Sexuality is a spectrum. ignoring pan sexuality for a second, if I date and sleep with and find only women attractive, then I am a lesbian. If men, then I am heterosexual. If mostly men apart from a crush on Kate moss, then I maybe am not straight, but nor am i necessarily in the middle area that I would describe as bi, ie more or less equally attracted to women and men.

Hence terms like bi playful (new to me 💜) and heteroflexible… indicating somewhere on the spectrum, towards the straight end of the middle!

Good explanation, makes it more understandable 😁

I like your description of a F starter and a M main course @Multijoy What's for dessert?!

I consider myself to be straight and would not seek out women to date or play with but, as you say, in the heat of the moment when you're all feeling incredibly turned on, it's surprising how you react to other women.

If I'm laying naked next to a woman, who I know and trust, as part of a group, I'm not going to freak out if she reaches out to kiss me or touch me. Equally, I might not "fancy" her in the conventional sense but I can get pleasure from seeing her react to my touch, to know that she's enjoying what I'm doing. It's akin to giving someone a lovely massage!

Interesting thread and far more informative than the tacky Channel 4 documentaries on these types of set up.

One thing I wondered about for the original poster and others involved in the lifestyle was whether it's easier to open up to this with a newer partner than a long established partner who you've been together with for long time. Is it seen as riskier to relationship when the couple have been together longer or doesn't it make so much difference in practice?

Also is jealousy less of factor for couples in 40s, 50s, etc than for younger couples?

@Anotherlurkingmale I don’t think jealousy is age related. It’s partly character and partly work on self, IMO.

As for opening up a relationship earlier… hmm… I think again it is case by case. Probably the lowest jealousy scenario is one where partners met “on the scene” so they were both open to being open from the start. Anything that is opened up when formerly closed has to go through a transition, and transitions always involve some complexity!

As for opening up a relationship earlier… hmm… I think again it is case by case. Probably the lowest jealousy scenario is one where partners met “on the scene” so they were both open to being open from the start. Anything that is opened up when formerly closed has to go through a transition, and transitions always involve some complexity!

Yes to these! I think it can also be a combo of belief system and the quality of your actual relationship.

For belief system, if you believe that relationships are about exclusivity, or that unique access/possession is needed to feel special, or that sex is inevitably linked to intimacy, or you are more likely to lose someone if they are free etc etc, then you are far more likely to have negative/ jealous/ insecure feelings when your partner is with somebody else. (Or by extension, in many conventional relationships, if he so much as looks at somebody else!)

You will also feel more jealousy If you have a 'fixed pie' mindset (ie there is only a certain amount of pleasure/admiration to go around, so I need to defend my portion, and someone else's attractiveness makes me feel less attractive by comparison), rather than an abundance mindset (there is no limit to pleasure and admiration - in fact theirs can also increase mine; being around beautiful people makes me feel more beautiful etc )

Then there is also the reality of your relationship. There is no way I would want to do this if I didn't trust my DH, trust that our relationship is a much higher priority than play, trust that he loved and wanted me, trust that he will always come back to me, trust that he would shut it all down if I asked him etc..... that security allows you not to be possessive or jealous... but instead be delighted for him if he has wonderful experiences, with wonderful people.

It's an interesting question about age. My understanding is that new generations are more likely to be experimental and see exclusivity as a rather old fashioned idea! But I may be wrong about that!

This is a really interesting one ....I think it could go either way.

Totally agree that easiest way is if you met on the scene or both came in with that idea from the start.

Beyond that, I think I would have found it harder to transition in the first year or two- because you are already growing, discovering, working out how best to communicate, wondering whether it's going to work, questioning how committed you are etc.... without adding extra strain. I think introducing it after several years, means you hopefully have deeper security in each other, well embedded, deep ways to communicate, trust established, good understanding of each others needs and ability to 'read' each other in different situations etc....

I found this transition a little bit like having a child - it can be amazingly enriching, but also very challenging- upsetting many of your preconceived notions.... you'd want a strong, well established relationship to take the strain of a transition like that.... and if your relationship already has cracks, then this transition is likely to expose these rather than heal them!

I think young people are more experimental in respect of 'dating' more than one person at a time before becoming 'exclusive' By exclusive (their latest expression) I presume this means not involving anyone else so with respect although I'm very much each to their own, I can't agree with young people being more accepting of open relationships.

I don't think the length of the relationship has much bearing on how the couple cope with the challenges of ENM. Whilst long-standing couples might know each other better than a new couple, the ability to navigate issues of jealousy and insecurity comes down to communication and trust.

@PansyPolly makes an interesting point about work on self. For me, education and research was so important in understanding my emotions. Learning how to analyse how I feel, what is driving those thoughts, has been an invaluable tool. I've read up on ENM and poly relationships, attended workshops, talked to others. It's made me recognise that societal norms aren't necessarily the right approach for me.

There's definitely a lot more information on social media about relationship anarchy so I do think the younger generation are more open to challenging the notion that you have to find "the one". A soul mate to be your lover, your confidante, your best friend, your co-parent... who must be reliable but spontaneous... dependable but exciting... nurturing but interesting... and they're realising that one individual can't meet all those needs.

"For me, education and research was so important in understanding my emotions. Learning how to analyse how I feel, what is driving those thoughts, has been an invaluable tool. I've read up on ENM and poly relationships, attended workshops, talked to others. It's made me recognise that societal norms aren't necessarily the right approach for me."

Love this - Yes! Deciding and starting to do this was definitely a journey for me too. I'm sure some people just 'fall into it' (had another couple around for dinner, got a bit drunk, started something then thought afterwards 'well that was cool - maybe we'll do more of that!' )...... but I definitely wasn't like that!

I'd say it was a good year between having the first thought and doing the first internet searches....to becoming a full swap couple for us. First step was joining one of the more 'gentle', paid membership communities. This offered sex education workshops, online communities and chat forums, socials where you could meet and talk with others, as well as online sex meets, and ultimately sex parties. Then starting going to sex clubs, and the more transactional websites.... at each point, you are asking yourself 'what's right for me?' 'What excites me?' What could work for us as a couple?' What is a 'never' for me? What might I feel afraid of now, but could ultimately enjoy?' 'What am I ready for?' 'What is a healthy, courageous versus foolhardy leap?' 'Who do I want to explore with?' 'What's my gut telling me?' 'What are the emotional reactions I am having and why?' How is my relationship doing at every skew step?'

A rich journey indeed!

If I'm really honest, thinking about it now, the journey started even earlier than that. When I went through therapy after my divorce, I faced a lot of my self esteem challenges and also unearthed some childhood experiences that had given me quite constraining/defensive attitudes around sex..... I became much more in touch with my sexual 'essence' , confident that I could be desireable to others, and more comfortable expressing myself through that....

I don't think any of this would have happened without that.

That's not to say everyone needs therapy... but for me, I had internal barriers around sex which would have definitely stopped me exploring all this, earlier in life.

Fantastic post.

It was also about a year between my wife and I first discussing having other people in our marriage and anything happening but we mainly went through the open marriage way of us having other people to have sex with.

We didn't start the partner swap for about another five years and have one main couple and one very occasional couple.

We have never been down the club route, but that's not to say we won't.

One very important issue you raise is talking to each other as well as your self and also the other people.

We have 'rules' that we stick to and if they're to be changed we have full and frank discussions.

Our number one rule is if either person says 'this stops' then it stops immediately. As things are, that is not likely to be happening as we discussed it some weeks ago.

I've loved this strand, it's been a real pleasure.

I learned a new word a few weeks ago. It sounds like where I've been in the past so it touched me.

Monogamish.

Thanks for listening.

I find a lot of women say they're bi, and most of the men that I'm friends with are at least flexible if not bi (so they will probably do some sort of play with men). However that is a selected group, a lot of men in the scene identify as straight, though I'm not sure they all are but perhaps some are cautious. I've met a lot of men who said they were straight but then had sex with my DP.