Married with multiple sex partners

[Multijoy]

Long term poster, (woman in late forties, married to man), NC for this.

Two things to say up front:

1. No, I don't think this makes me cool or that it is right for everybody. Completely respect that many people would not want to do this. But it's maybe interesting to some people to ask about.

1. My lifestyle is 100% honest and transparent with everybody involved and mutually enjoyed by all. I have never cheated, and will never cheat. I have been cheated on in the past and it was devastating. This is a radically different thing.

Ask away and I'll do my best to answer all questions.

Doesn't feel like an odd question.

Yes, it is an effort and yes I work and have DC (though they are into lower maintenance teen phase, when they want you around just to ignore you!.... can't imagine having the energy or the sexual desire when they were younger!)
This effort/ time constraint is one reason we only get around to it every 1-3 months.... it's a luxury leisure activity and we don't have lots of leisure time!

Yes, I've thought about the menopause, and what would happen if I lose the desire to do this. I think DH would adapt in whatever way I want, including giving it all up. We both like the idea of being old and wrinkly and tired and looking back and remembering....'yeah.....we made the most of those years, when we creaked less!'

I have asked myself whether I'd be happy to let him carry on, while I was home relaxing in front of the tv. I'm really not sure. It would be much more complicated emotionally I think- though if I simply didn't want sex, and felt I was choosing that as my true preference, then possibly.

I definitely had some fears around this as I was starting..... where will it stop? How can I ever 'reverse' if I decide I don't like it? And 'will this just take over our lives and we lose ourselves?' None of these have happened fortunately. If anything, the opposite.

There was quite a rush and it felt quite compelling in the first 6-12 months of experimenting, with lots of 'firsts', and emotional doubts, rushes, excitement, ups and downs etc.

Now, it's a normal part of life. Enriching and enjoyable when we choose to do it, but it's not something we need. We can forget all about it for weeks, then decide we are in the mood for that particular part of our lives. It's not like a drug, for us anyway.

When we do separate things, honestly yes a bit, but the value to me of doing it is greater than the hurt. When we are together, no not at all!

Sorry @Multijoy im answering questions too and it's not my AMA! I sort of forgot for a minute 😆

Who, apart from sexual abusers, would involve children in their sex lives?

The terminology makes me cringe.

"Playing together" brings to my mind, something musical or doubles tennis not anything remotely sexual.

I think I won't get into that if it's ok, as I haven't done a comprehensive review, and not sure how much I'd recommend any in particular. It's very easy to google and get a sense of what's out there, explore them and see what suits. I wouldn't say I've found a site that's brilliant and I'd endorse. They all have their strengths and weaknesses.

Oh go for it.

Thank you. I feel deeply deeply connected to DH too, but I think what's different is that we've decoupled that connection from a need for sexual exclusivity.... we are deeply connected, intimate, trusting, romantic, protective of each other etc.... while not requiring sexual exclusivity.

So the things that 'sex with another person' might normally mean (unfaithfulness/ not wanting me/ sharing something sacred) are no longer potent for us. So, no it doesn't hurt, but for me, that's because the connection is still there just as strong.

I had plenty fear and uncertainty early on.... but we took it slow and kept absolute trust with each other. There have been a couple of brief moments that didn't feel good, when one of us slightly misjudged an aspect of what we were wanting or ready for. But we expressed it and fixed it very quickly. It's a cliche. But it's true that communication is really really sooooo important.

Oh that’s so interesting! And so well explained! I don’t know why I asked that question but your answer has really given me some food for thought about a lot of what I give meaning to that is learned behaviour as opposed to what I actually need. Thank you for answering that question, it’s really given me a great deal of insight and plenty to reflect upon, If you don't already, you should write, you put things beautifully into words.

Yes, awkward indeed!

For men, it's totally up to me, but I do want to establish that he and DH have a good, respectful, comfortable rapport. I've vetoed a couple of guys because I haven't seen that and it hasn't felt right.

For women, he basically has wider, more diverse appreciation than I do.... so I tend to find women who could attract us both, and make the first approach. There is plenty overlap for it not to cause stress.

Reported for what? That these adults have consenting sex with other consenting adults while kids are staying far away with their Dad?

Oh that’s so interesting! And so well explained! I don’t know why I asked that question but your answer has really given me some food for thought about a lot of what I give meaning to that is learned behaviour as opposed to what I actually need.

In the first 6months/year, that was my biggest question..... how much of my doubt/fear is my gut telling me this is wrong for me, and how much is it societal norms that are holding me back (and specifically socialisation as a woman).... and how much was just healthy trepidation at taking a new leap into an unknown.

For example, I had a fear to start with that DH would not see me the same way.... that he'd feel less romantic or treasuring.... why? Because women are often taught their value equates to their purity. So part of me worried I was losing my value by having sex with more people, or admitting to having extensive sexual desire. Fortunately, DH doesn't have those sexist ideas like I did. I also had a fear that I'd get trapped into doing things I didn't enjoy (not by DH but by the situations.... ) based on my socialisation of being a pleaser/ it being wrong or mean to say no. I've since learned to say no a lot......

I have learned a lot that feels very empowering and freeing to me (which doesn't mean it's right for everyone of course)..... but I basically became convinced as I explored that this was right for me, at this time in my life, not because it felt great and exciting at the time (which it did), but because I felt more empowered, true to myself, free to express myself, and closer to DH afterwards.

Thanks for starting this thread, OP. My DP and I are also in a ENM relationship.

I've found it incredibly liberating to start seeing the value in my relationships, rather than needing them to fall into any particular label or category. Platonic lovers and romantic friendships are all equally appreciated!

Many people think ENM is all about having a load of kinky sex but, for us, it's been about making connections, not treating partners as a utility to meet our needs.

We've made some fantastic friends along the way. We might just hang out and play nerdy board games. There have been occasions where we've supported them through tough times. Other times we'll all get naked and have a lot of fun! Some partners we see regularly, others less frequently - perhaps a couple of times a year. But there's care and respect at the heart of it all.

Thanks @PinotPony .... yes, that's great to point out.

Many of the sites/communities have social gatherings - bowling/pub dinner/art class etc... and it's great fun just getting to know people and having freer conversations around sex and desires.... occasionally some people split off to get intimate, but mostly it's pure socialising. You can build a great circle of friends, many of whom you never get physical with. It can just feel like a bit more liberating/ no topic is taboo crowd, where you can learn a lot from others' experiences, recommendations etc.

And we also have personal relationships with people we play with - especially the women and couples. EG we might go out to the cinema, then have a dinner and chat, before going back to a bedroom.

You might hate it - I don’t love it myself - but it is the terminology so it makes sense to use it.

I didn't really understand the word 'play' until I started playing, and now it feels like the perfect word.

It captures the sense of ease, choice, enjoyment and isolated/temporary nature of the interaction. Actually, kind of exactly like playing in a doubles tennis match, it's a separate event from your normal life, when you have new and different interactions with multiple people, for enjoyment, but with rules and guardrails (your and their boundaries).... then you go back to all the other things you do... there is camaraderie and fair play between the players, but it doesn't mean you are permanently in relationship. If you enjoyed it, you might play together again. You may not, and that's fine too - doesn't take away from the enjoyment of the event.

The word 'play' also distinguished it from romantic, loving sex between you and your partner, which continues to exist in parallel, and is not play.

For me, it actually takes sex out of the realm of 'dark/uncontrolled drives/unspeakable/embedded with huge emotion' into the light/leisure activity area.

Eg one night stands which you regret, needing to get drunk to chat someone up or 'go out on the pull', affairs, porn, prostitutes, strip clubs, anxieties around whether your partner is looking or wanting someone else, fire and brimstone moralising,..... all of these are basically unhealthy, uncomfortable, controlling or exploitative ways of trying to manage the fact that we are all sexual beings, but sex is only permitted and approved of in very limited realms. Basically, society tells us there is 'good sex' (especially for women)- monogamous, faithful, loving, private (and in the past, anyway, it also had to be heterosexual). Or there is all the rest- which is assumed to be dirty. (The fact that someone thought my having sex with multiple other adults, must make it likely I'm a child abuser and social services need to be called, shows just how dirty any other sex is seen to be!)

I've literally arranged and enjoyed play sessions at 10am in the morning. (It's a great time- fresh and after my first coffee!) There is nothing hidden or dark about it.

When adults play at anything it means by definition they are feeling safe, enjoying themselves and choosing to be there. That is exactly what this is.

I think any questions I would have had, have already been answered. But thank you so much for this thread! I love reading about ENM and learning more. It's something me and my partner have discussed (he brought it up). Currently due to circumstances it's not something we'd have time to explore, but it's definitely something that we would like to delve into in the future.

How does a typical occasion progress? I mean who usually takes the initiative to move things forward, and what do you say - Should we move on to the bedroom?

Location - I am guessing most of the time a hotel room is booked as opposed to someone’s house/flat?

How does a typical occasion progress? I mean who usually takes the initiative to move things forward, and what do you say - Should we move on to the bedroom?

Location - I am guessing most of the time a hotel room is booked as opposed to someone’s house/flat?

Your husband has no idea whether or not your fall in love with someone else so a dangerous road to go down.

Non monogamy is definitely not for everyone.

It’s entirely possible for some people to be NM and not fall in love, or to be polyamorous, love other people as well as your spouse and to stay married in either case.

Thank you for such an interesting and insightful incisive thread.

Sorry for the delay answering! I thought the thread had pretty much finished so stopped checking so regularly!

Generally, it can progress in two main ways. One is organically, like any normal dating situation... you meet to have a drink or dinner, and you both know you'll be seeing how it goes, and if sparks fly you end up in bed. I actually don't tend to do this. For safety and my comfort, I always have what's called a 'social meet' first- I'm explicit that it's purely social and normally it's a coffee in a public place. By the time I invite someone to this meet, I've already verified they are a good match 'on paper', that principle boundaries and preferences are understood, and there's a general positive camaraderie. If the social meet goes well and we are all feeling the chemistry, and have a gut good sense of trust, safety etc, then we'll say by the end of that coffee, that we would like to invite them for play, if they would like that. It's always me who does this. I tend to know if DH is happy, whereas I'm a tougher sell. I think it's also nicer for the play partners, because they know the woman is really deciding and keen. (Generally there is a norm on the scene that the women initiate and approach, because consent is taken very seriously). If I'm in any doubt about how I feel, then it's a no for me- I follow my gut, even if I can't rationalise it. If I have any doubt how DH feels, then I don't decide during the meet and check with him after.

Then we arrange a date and time with the explicit intent of having sex. Of course, everybody can still cancel/pull out or abort on the day, in line with whatever they are feeling- but it's more explicit intention than for a general date with somebody you haven't slept with yet. Often there's sexy talk before this date, plus more detailed discussion of any sexual boundaries and preferences.

Many people meet in hotels or clubs. I prefer to invite people to our home. It's more personal, less pressure. I have a very private home, no worry about neighbours etc, and I know I'm safe in my environment. I would never do this if a single woman, but with DH, it feels fine.

Some times, this 'date' can also be very sociable - especially with women and couples, it's likely to be a little sexual from the beginning, in that we might all touch in a way you wouldn't with friends, but we may well sit down for a drink, or even dinner and talk about a mixture of normal things and sexual things, then at some point that feels natural, we would suggest moving it upstairs- or start having intense fun on the sofa, before moving it upstairs...

Two hours later, or whatever, we all come back down, normally share another drink and chat, say thank you very much that was lovely, and say goodbye.

DH and I would then connect ourselves.

Your husband has no idea whether or not your fall in love with someone else so a dangerous road to go down.

That's always a risk, as in any marriage. I'm not sure if it's greater than in a normal marriage. People generally fall in love from extensive, personal, 1-2-1 interaction over an extensive period with somebody, away from their spouse. We don't do that with play partners.

In addition, because we have decoupled sex from ideas of emotional intimacy, it's less of an automatic that having sex with someone would have that effect on us. People don't generally fall in love with their one night stands, or even their friends with benefits.... we don't select people as play partners, because of the meeting of souls. When it comes to men, honestly I select men with muscles, who are clean shaven, as that's my sexual preference. Of course, they need to feel safe, and I need to intuitively feel they are nice people. But I don't atall need to have a special emotional connection. Also, because I am always with my DH, I find these experiences intense, and deepening with him..... not with the other man. The other man, to be honest, provides an extra body that can give pleasure (and of course, he receives pleasure in return).

I'm very much in love with my DH, so can't envisage falling in love with another man. But if I did, Id bet it wouldn't be a play partner. Much more likely somebody at work, who I relate to intensely away from my husband, or with whom I have some special shared passion or intellectual interest.

All that said, I'm not saying this is a lifestyle without risks. Obviously, even when careful there is an elevated risk of STDs, compared to being in an exclusive relationship. There is some elevated risk to physical safety, though this is massively reduced by the care we take and DH's constant presence.

I think there are huge risks to your self esteem, sense of self, and relationship if you are getting involved in this life to try to fix something that is broken inside you or in your relationship.

But strangely I don't see falling in love as an elevated risk. If anything I think through the far more open communication you establish about desires, emotions and sharing with other people, you are likely to communicate, cope with and work through that scenario better than a traditional marriage might.