Oral Sex

[AloneLonelyLoner]

Apologies for putting this in AIBU, but the sex topic is pretty quiet and really it's an AIBU. @mumsnethq please just move if necessary and apologies.

My DP and I normally have a very good sex life, but the other night, for reasons unknown, I couldn't climax. This isn't weird really and I wasn't bothered as the sex was good anyway. But, DP decided to go down on me later on and it was lovely. Afterwards I said how nice that was, especially as it is so rare and that I appreciated it a lot.
When I say rare, it's a once a year thing.
He said that this is because he doesn't like doing it. I replied well then that makes sense that it doesn't happen (he has never said this before) and that I wouldn't want him doing something sexual out of obligation that he doesn't like and so that is the end of that.

Now the thing is, he can't come unless he masturbates and I give him a blow job. He can't. He never has. So if I don't give him oral then his orgasming with me will no longer happen at all.
I know he will still expect me to go down on him.

AIBU to feel a little put out about the fact that I will forevermore never have oral sex again from him but he will probably want me to do it. AIBU to refuse him blow jobs? I totally accept not having oral from him. Nobody should do stuff they don't like, but frankly I can love without blow jobs too!

Absolutely true. But he is suggesting ivf.
Which means (at least imo) that he didn't even feel the need to do any research and feels perfectly comfortable suggesting it to the OP

In that case the same criticism can be levelled at a large number of posters on this thread who also jumped on the IVF bandwagon.

I don't think it's that unreasonable that he hasn't yet investigated in fine detail what the process would involve and wasn't it actually the op who asked him if they would need IVF if they wanted a child and he agreed? (Not sure on that point so I'm going back to look. )

There's obviously an issue here with this man and sex but then tbh why has the op gone along with it for so long? He should be free to accept or decline whatever sex acts he chooses and so should she. If that makes them incompatible then there's the answer. Neither should be forced to accept a sex life that they don't want.

Ugh, the more I read the more I want to take back my previous comment. Theres so much going on here contextually & its not right. I think I'd consider calling if off to be honest if you want children some day.

@AloneLonelyLoner

You're absolutely not unreasonable imo.
the burden and responsibility of sexual dysfunction, conception and well... Pretty much anything else are meant to be shared (as well as possible) in a partnership. You deserve that.

You deserve better. He sounds very selfish.

@Disfordarkchocolate
Michael Douglas was right about the link between oral sex and oral cancer unfortunately. www.health.harvard.edu/blog/hpv-transmission-during-oral-sex-a-growing-cause-of-mouth-and-throat-cancer-201306046346

n that case the same criticism can be levelled at a large number of posters on this thread who also jumped on the IVF bandwagon.

No. The other posters (presumably) aren't suggesting ivf to their partners. There's a huge difference between posters on this thread not doing their research and the OP's partner feeling comfortable suggesting it without research. I have different standards for these two situations....

Anyhow, I believe that this alone would be 'forgivable' or not particularly unreasonable (as you put it).

But there's the issue of the suggested ivf, his orgasms and her orgasms / his approach to her body and pleasure.

It's imo a rather toxic trifecta...

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras
I have had ivf. I get what you’re saying. But this isn’t exactly a generous man. I struggle with the idea of him fucking a cup every couple of days to be used in a turkey baster when he could do it just the once for ivf.

There is just no commitment and dedication to anyone’s comfort but his own. I wouldn’t even trust him to get the one off right. Sperm has to be delivered within a very short timeframe for ivf.... unless frozen beforehand.

@AloneLonelyLoner
When you put it all together, it sounds as if he’d make a lousy father, who wouldn’t give a shit whatever gruelling fertility quest you went on. I’d not even entertain the former let alone the latter.

There's a huge difference between posters on this thread not doing their research and the OP's partner feeling comfortable suggesting it without research.

I dare say neither of them have given much thought to the idea of children, especially as op only brought it up during the course of this thread. When it's a serious prospect maybe he'll investigate it thoroughly.

From what the op is saying he has some fixed ideas around sex and who.knows the reasons for that? Maybe there is something in his background, maybe there are physical causes, maybe he's just selfish. Who knows? There's a lot of talking to be done and possibly professional intervention if he wants it. The op also has decisions to make. They each need to take responsibility here.

I have had ivf. I get what you’re saying. But this isn’t exactly a generous man. I struggle with the idea of him fucking a cup every couple of days to be used in a turkey baster when he could do it just the once for ivf.

I think that's quite a bizarre take on it tbh. How can it be better to put a woman through IVF with all that it entails (when there is no need to) because you think it's better than him having to ejaculate into a cup several times?

What they do or don't choose to do in order to have children (if that's what they want).is up.to them to sort out. Not really sure how you can start pre judging what he will.or won't do or put value judgements on it really.

@Anothernick Not sure I would agree, my partner struggled to cum in me for quite a while. He’s definitely not secretly straight.

I am wondering why, given how hard it is to be a parent anyway, why on earth you would choose this man to be a father to your child/children? Of all the men in the world that could give you love, make you feel desirable and attractive and don't come saddled with an extensive long term porn addiction.

Being a parent is really tough, being a parent with a selfish, porn obsessed man is going to make it even harder. Even if you do go down the IVF route, you are going to massively resent him for all of this at some point. You won't always feel chirpy about his cavalier attitude to your body.

Is he going to get up in the night with a newborn?
Is he prepared to be completely knackered all of the time?
Can he love and look after you throughout your pregnancy?
Is he going to put his own needs to one side and care for a tiny human being?
Can you live in what is likely to end up being a sexless marriage?
Do you deserve better?

You have so many issues, some I feel are going to be harder to resolve than others. The addiction is going to be hanging over you for life, as he is always going to feel tempted to fall into old ways particularly when you are heavily pregnant. You would be making yourself and your baby incredibly vulnerable to a man that can't necessarily be relied on.

I would also feel very squeamish having a porn addict near by my baby.

Get rid of him. I can see no future in this unless he is prepared to get some medical intervention.

BTW op I am wondering why when you first got together this was ever okay that he couldn't climax with you during sex? Did you not hear alarm bells back then?

Most women would be bailing out at that point, what made you stay? I wonder if the route of your problem is not his porn addiction but your lack of self esteem possibly? I mean that in a kind way, as you have definitely accepted second best and some by sharing with your life with someone like him.

Where did I say I thought it was better for op to do ivf? I think quite the opposite. I actually said way up thread I she should dump him. Having been through fertility treatment myself, I think my points are valid.

Mummyoflittledragon

Sorry. I took you saying you struggle.with the idea of him doing it a couple of times into a cup.when he could do it just the once for IVF to mean you thought it was better that they went for.ivf.

Apologies if I've misunderstood what you meant.

Why are you so sure he's porn addled?

HearHooves. No worries. 😊

@simonjt

I can understand guys having problems from time to time but the OPs partner has never cum inside her and apparently has no desire to do so. And they have been together several years. This is not a stable foundation for a relationship, let alone parenthood.

I can understand guys having problems from time to time but the OPs partner has never cum inside her and apparently has no desire to do so.

Can you understand women who have long term sexual problems, and the reasons why? Can you understand people who have permanent physical or medical problems that can cause issues with sex?

If a woman posted that she can't have penetrative sex would people immediately jump to "well, you are obviously selfish, will make a shit parent though that won't even be possible will it, and you must be a closet lesbian"? I really don't think they would. I think they would be much more sympathetic.

Girl.

The hell are you DOING with him?!

I'm one of those women who absolutely love receiving oral sex. It's an expectation, every damn time, because it feels good to me and sex must feel good to me - if it ain't good for me then it ain't happening.

Yep, your dude is weird to say the least, and nope, you shouldn't be making your jaw sore just so he can climax, especially since he seems to be giving exactly zero thought to your gratification.

Dump the sexually inept man and find someone who'll, you know, give you a very nice time every time. This dude of yours ain't worth it.

If a woman posted that she can't have penetrative sex would people immediately jump to "well, you are obviously selfish, will make a shit parent though that won't even be possible will it, and you must be a closet lesbian"? I really don't think they would. I think they would be much more sympathetic

Oh for Christ sake, there’s always a minority who feel the need to say “if a woman said xyz...poor menz”. We have to of course pretend that female and male orgasms are exactly the same of course for that analogy to work, along with ignoring how uncaring of her needs he is, but yeah, whatever.

OP I had an ex a bit like this. He was very into porn, a specific fetish that involved dressing up. He wouldn’t go down on me, wouldn’t use his fingers, was I felt, generally repulsed by the female anatomy (except boobs), didn’t like me using toys, he could only cum through PiV if I dressed up, didn’t like me to move or make any noice because it “put him off”...the list went on. I never had an orgasm with him, how could I?!

I put up with it for years, I tried indulging his fetish, but he never did anything to satisfy me, it was all about him and me going along with this fetish only made him more selfish.

The breaking point was when I found myself telling him I was going to the bathroom right after he’d finished, and I’d just cry, I felt so used, like I could have been anyone. It was then that I just stopped having sex with him and not long after dumped he. He was destroying my sense of worth.

You need to stand up for yourself, don’t not pleasure yourself just because his ego can’t handle it, don’t let him make sex all about him and his pleasure.

My DP has always said 'I feel like I don't know what i am doing' been together 8 years and I could count on one hand how many times it's happened 🙄

Point him at some vids of Chad white or Aaron Wilcox giving women oral sex on porn hub.

There are amateur ones that are ok too.

A man being able to climax from piv is pretty basic. It's (in my experience) v unusual for men not to be able to do.

You won't have trouble finding a man who does, and any man would be delighted to meet a woman who climaxes from.ouv since only the minority do.

Hopefully he'll have a healthier, less selfish attitude to oral sex on you as well.

If he's not prepared to broach and get help on his issue - and it is his issue - then I'd leave and try to meet someone else.

As many posters have pointed out a man being like that has implications for children that a woman being anorgasmic from piv (is that right?) does not.

Bearing in mind that issues like these are not easily solved.

I've not had a huge number of partners but I've never met one man who didnt climax from piv. It's usually surefire. You shouldn't have a problem meeting some ok be who's not like him.

Why go through sperm injection unnecessarily to get pregnant?

Why give up the chance of having oral sex esp when you're expected to do it on him.

Did you say he doesn't like you masturbating with him either? what a barrel of laughs.

For me the whole behaviour around getting shitty when you don't climax just from being in the vicinity of his magic penis would be a dealbreaker. A normal, kind, loving relationship does NOT work like that.

I can't believe he even tells you not to masturbate around him as it would make him feel bad. It's all about his ego isn't it? Your satisfaction is entirely irrelevant to him beyond being a measure of his prowess.

It gets on my nerves when people keep going on about incompatibility where someone in a couple is clearly unusual/unreasonable.

It happens so much on here.

Call it what it is, not incompatibility .. he's dysfunctional and most people would have a problem with it

Seriously you could come on here saying your do wants you to peg him dressed as a sheep in front of an audience of drag queens and some posters will say "well you're clearly incompatible op" like 99% of the population wouldn't be similarity "incompatible" with him, cause he's a freak.