Oral Sex

[AloneLonelyLoner]

Apologies for putting this in AIBU, but the sex topic is pretty quiet and really it's an AIBU. @mumsnethq please just move if necessary and apologies.

My DP and I normally have a very good sex life, but the other night, for reasons unknown, I couldn't climax. This isn't weird really and I wasn't bothered as the sex was good anyway. But, DP decided to go down on me later on and it was lovely. Afterwards I said how nice that was, especially as it is so rare and that I appreciated it a lot.
When I say rare, it's a once a year thing.
He said that this is because he doesn't like doing it. I replied well then that makes sense that it doesn't happen (he has never said this before) and that I wouldn't want him doing something sexual out of obligation that he doesn't like and so that is the end of that.

Now the thing is, he can't come unless he masturbates and I give him a blow job. He can't. He never has. So if I don't give him oral then his orgasming with me will no longer happen at all.
I know he will still expect me to go down on him.

AIBU to feel a little put out about the fact that I will forevermore never have oral sex again from him but he will probably want me to do it. AIBU to refuse him blow jobs? I totally accept not having oral from him. Nobody should do stuff they don't like, but frankly I can love without blow jobs too!

Really? You won't engage sexually with a man unless he will give you oral sex?? I personally HATE receiving oral and won't do it...if a man said "Oh well then I can't have any sex with you" then I'd think him a weird, unpleasant person.

A lot of women can only orgasm through oral sex. Should someone just resign themselves to not have orgasms, jest the other person think they're weird or unpleasant? If a man told me he didn't want to do it, I would think we were incompatible and move on. I don't really see why you think there's a problem with that. 🤷

So he can’t orgasm from penetrative sex? I’ve no idea how old you are but that needs to be sorted if you want to have kids with this guy! Otherwise he’ll be wanking into a beakers or you’ll be doing IVF.

I've heard a lot of people struggle to orgasm with PIV.

I've heard it about women, not so much men. I mean, that's how we keep our species going, isn't it?

Exactly @steff13

Steff it seems oddly specific to me....that's all. If I could only orgasm through oral sex, I'd be seeking counselling....or therapy or something!

It's very limiting isn't it?

This might be relevent, might not.

Do you use condoms for penetrative sex? I only ask as I don’t, boyfriend had always used them so it wasn’t until having sex with me that he experienced without. It also wasn’t until then that it became an issue as it was so ingrained in him to use one that he couldn’t finish inside me. We used condoms for a bit and he could easily finish while using one, we’re now at the stage where he is relaxed enough to no longer need condoms.

@BillHadersNewWife 🙄

A lot of women can only orgasm through oral sex.

Really? I mean, I knew loads of women didn't orgasm from penetrative sex alone, but to not orgasm from any kind of clitoral stimulation except oral sex seems quite limiting. Must make masturbation a bit pointless.

I feel less judgemental about the OP's husband only being able to come via oral sex now, I must say!

I must admit I struggle to see the issue if you don’t mind giving oral sex to him and can orgasm without receiving oral sex anyway.

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross Clitoral stimulation is different for each woman though. It's not a one size fits all. It's not strange for a woman to be able to make herself cum while she's doing it Vs a man doing it.

I give blow jobs because I enjoy giving them. My husband goes down on me because he enjoys it. There are things he does to me that he wouldn't want himself and vice versa. There are things he wants done to him that he wouldn't do to others.

If you enjoy pleasuring your partner with blow jobs,don't stop doing that just because he doesn't like to reciprocate often. Instead, find some other ways of replicating the stimulation you get from oral sex digitally or with toys. A Hitachi wand is like oral sex X 1000.

For goodness sake, a man doesn't go down on a woman if he's just come inside her, that usually happens beforehand or after washing

Seems some men arent into a delicious cream pie! That's an actually thing, btw.

BillHadersNewWife -

Yes, if I’m going to agree to enjoy sex with someone, l do have a say in what goes on. It’s my body and who l choose to have sex with or not have sex with is my choice and the choice of the other person. We both have to agree and consent. Nobody is forced to have sex with me. But I do choose to discuss expectations beforehand.

I love oral, receiving and giving. No apologies for that.

If people are not sexually compatible with me, that’s fine, there are plenty of people who are.

Op you must have had a chat about having kids though and how that might happen ?

@AloneLonelyLoner His name isnt Jamie is it? Cause this all sounds very similar, and if its the guy I'm thinking of then it's the least of your issues

Op my best advice is to go to the GP.

Due to excessive porn use, he know finds it impossible to climax in the usual way - and indeed this is going to ruin your marriage if you do not address it. There are lots of teenage boys that are now completely impotent due to porn. Porn is having a really chilling affect on intimate relationships globally, and many men have become desensitised. You need to discuss what has happened with your doctor, and seek proper medical help and support. If he is addicted to porn he is very unlikely to be able to do this himself.

It takes a long time, but it is possible to recover and slowly reintroduce touching and intimacy.

My second thought is how do you feel about not having children? The fact he has never climaxed inside you is really unusual.

I don't blame you for not wanting to offer him oral sex anymore, given his feelings on the matter, I would feel used and abused in your position would almost certainly decline.

He may be a good man, as you say but it sounds as if he has a very entrenched porn addiction that has been ruining your relationship from the beginning.

know - now

For goodness sake, a man doesn't go down on a woman if he's just come inside her, that usually happens beforehand or after washing

Better tell my husband he's doing it wrong then!!

OP, I think it's time for an honest chat and ask him why. If he just genuinely doesn't like doing it then fine, you cant change that. But he could be worried about doing it so a chat could help. Sorry if it's too personal but do you both want children? It could be worth him talking to his GP if he cant finish during penetration.

Okay, since the Sweet n Sexless are out in force, OP, you need a lot of information. Real information. Not made up.

The reason why porn can lead to orgasm issues isn't because it desensitises your brain. It is because when you watch porn, you masturbate. The vigor of masturbation cannot be matched by penetrative sex. Your grip for one. It is likely that the visual stimulation of oral sex helps tip him over the edge and that's why it works.

Reducing masturbation will help increase sensitivity. If it did become an obstacle to conception, he can masturbate until he is very close and then penetrate you while he orgasms.

Not everyone works the same way

When I'm having sex with someone, ah god this feels outing, I've got 2 choices: 1/ go with the flow and cum through PIV. The problem is this happens quickly for me (and too quickly for a partner!) 2/ I can overcome the sensation and not cum, but then that's it, I'm not going to after I've reached that point.

It's not really unusual for me to not cum at all

I've always been like that.

99.99% sure of my sexuality and no overexposure to porn. I really really enjoy having sex regardless of the physical outcome

1 partner really likes it when i cum, and the way I'd do that is the way described in the OP

I like going down on a woman and not especially fussed with blow jobs

Does not sound as if you really have a good sex life to me from what you are describing.

Wow I am so grateful for all the responses. Thank you so much.

There are so many questions to answer, apologies for not tagging.

We are in our thirties/forties and actually yesterday had the talk about kids because it can't happen and he said yes it would have to be ivf.

We've been together about 2 years and yes the oral sex I had the other day (all 3 minutes) was only the second time in that time. To be fair I don't ask for it and now never will because I won't have him do something out of some kind of obligation.

We don't use condoms but we did try a couple of times because I wondered if he was paranoid about pregnancy and it may make a difference. It didn't.

He says he is happy to never come in me and thinks I'm being ridiculous and irritating to question him about it. But....and this is irritating, if I don't come then he takes it as a slight.

I've pointed out the hypocrisy in this.
It's just all so absurd it is starting to feel a bit like I'm going mad.

This is too much for 2 year relationship he sounds selfish (and probably given his issues porn related) and rather than solve the issue for kids he would make you go through ivf
Cut your losses

@PenguinBollard you cracked me up. Thanks!

It's not (thank god!)